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NOT FOR PIZZA (Photo by Pineapple Supply Co. on Unsplash)

Fruit on Pizza is Disgusting

And if you like ANY fruit on your pizza, YOU are disgusting

People, this conversation goes far, far, beyond pineapple. The Fact of the Matter is, ANY fruit (1) on pizza is unacceptable. There is a perfectly good reason why the original pizza didn’t include mangoes or bananas or apples or whatever: fruit is wet and sweet, and those flavors and textures sully what is an otherwise amazing combination of flavors and textures.

Here is a fact: once fruit of any kind is added to a pizza it no longer may be considered a pizza. It has been transformed, by the addition of wet sugar, into a “fruit-topped flatbread,” similar to, say, a slice of toast with marmalade. Nobody in her right mind would add marinara sauce and basil to toast and marmalade, so why the HELL are you adding blueberries to pizza and still calling it “pizza”? JUST LOOK AT THIS MONSTROSITY:

THE FUCK, PEOPLE!?

This is not pizza; this is what happens inside a dumpster at a Farmer’s Market with a wood-fired pizza stand next to a berry stand. Someone stepped into that dumpster and scooped out what was there and now is trying to pass it off as a “pizza.”

Since it’s obvious that a subset of stubborn and insane people will always counter this fact with “arguments” about “opinions,” and “taste,” and “Hawaiian Pizzas” and whatnot, I feel it’s only appropriate to lay out, once and for all, which ingredients are fine on a pizza, and which are not. Please print this list and hang it on your fridge, so no deviants get any crazy ideas about garbage toppings the next time you decide to make a pizza.

PIZZA TOPPINGS WHICH ARE PERFECTLY FINE:

  1. Tomato sauce.
  2. Cheese.
  3. Cured meats.
  4. Uncured ground meats.
  5. Pickled peppers.
  6. Olives.
  7. Mushrooms. (2)
  8. Garlic.
  9. Cooked onions.
  10. Cooked green peppers.
  11. Anchovies.
  12. Artichoke hearts.
  13. Basil.
  14. Cooked thin, leafy greens (spinach, say, or maybe chard).
  15. Hot sauce.
  16. Avocado.

GARBAGE PIZZA TOPPINGS ENJOYED BY GARBAGE PEOPLE:

  1. Fruit, raw or cooked.
  2. Raw tomatoes. (3)
  3. Raw onions.
  4. Barbecue sauce instead of tomato sauce.
  5. Chunks of chicken breast.
  6. Eggs.
  7. Raw leafy greens. (4)
  8. Soylent.

Look, okay, I’ll concede that there are obviously always exceptions, and I’ll politely partake in whatever dotty imaginative fairy bread I’m handed if someone prepares it for me and I don’t have to pay for it.

That said, look at the lists above. See how the acceptable ingredients list is really long, and includes some broad categories? With a little restraint, it’s perfectly reasonable to make a nearly infinite number of delicious pizzas within those simple constraints. I’m as liberal and progressive as the next guy, but if we don’t accept a few limits, society will collapse.

So, the next time you’re in the mood for a pizza and think, gee, maybe some figs or some papaya would be good, on this, remind yourself that no, the answer is no, they would not. Unless you are a monster.

Oh, and thin crust only, please. Only sociopaths and fascists enjoy thick crust pizza.

NOTES:

(1) I know, “tomatoes are fruit, so GOTCHA,” but you know what I’m talking about. *Don’t be pedantic.*

(2) The good kind, not those nasty little canned button bastards.

(3) What the hell is wrong with you?

(4) LETTUCE? REEEEEALLY?! LETTUCE!!! http://www.tallgrasskitchen.com/bacon-lettuce-and-tomato-pizza-blt-p

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