Updated Revision: Originally published 10/2018
What’s up, Spellcasters? Who wants to cause some magical mayhem and hit back against the Administration pigs a little more forcefully than we have been so far? Voting is gonna eventually happen, and organizing, and donating to organizations who are working to unseat these bastards, but after the shit-show that was the Mueller Report, some of us think that it’s time to add some dark magic to the mix.
The #MagicResistance is great, and I hope everybody who is into “binding Trump and those who abet him” keep it up. At this point, however, with a Supreme Court loaded with arch-puritans, a toothless EPA that’s making the environment worse, an ACA on the chopping block, a stupid and fake “emergency declaration” (I’ll stop here — you get the idea), the time for “nice” magic is over. They sure as hell aren’t using lavender and vanilla and white candles, so it’s time for those of us who do this stuff to give as good as we’re getting.
Look, if your moral code precludes the baneful stuff, don’t do it. For some of us, though, we’re at the point where drastic measures need to be taken. The milquetoast mainstream Democrats in Congress like AIPAC-buddy Chuck Schumer sure as hell aren’t pulling their weight. Why shouldn’t those of us who don’t have qualms about “the hard stuff” try everything we can?
It’s time for a hexing. Time for curses, dark spells, malevolent power.
1. Thrust knives into their pictures.
Cut out a picture of Mike Pence or Lindsey Graham from a copy of Time Magazine, or draw a quick sketch, or print one from your favorite news website. Also, any knife will do. There are good arguments for using anything from a janky old steak knife to a rusty hori-hori. I have two knives I use for this purpose: an iron kris and a freaky-ass Klingon-looking blade:
Also, grab a few nails, iron if possible (from a coffin is best). Go outside, and find a clear patch of soil. Place the picture on the ground and thrust the nails around the edges to hold it in. Now, jab the shit out of the picture: through their eyes, ears, heart, etc. With each jab, say something like one of the following:
[Name of target], in the name of [insert your preferred chthonic power here, or the name of your meanest ancestor], may your bowels fill with worms!
May your water evaporate!
May you end up in a hole!
May those who love you turn against you!
May you have to face your victims!
You are cursed, you miserable piece of shit!
Cool, now the paper should be seriously shredded. Now you have a few items. If you’re feeling brave, you could mail it to them. This might cause a scene, so I don’t recommend it unless you’re OK with that.
Other options: Toss it into your compost heap. Leave it in the woods where fae dwell. Flush it.
2. Stab their footprints with splintered bones
This is a classic. It works best if you live near them, and can literally stab their footprints with the splintered bones of a chicken. If not, you have another option:
Most celebrities’ shoe sizes are available via a simple Google search. If you can’t find the exact shoe size, it’s OK to estimate, but if you can, that’s great!
Trace a shoe that’s the same size as your target’s. Using a red pen, fill the outline of the shoe with their name. Placing it on the ground, stab it repeatedly with your splintered chicken bone. Each time, visualize the chicken bone pushing through flesh, and say:
[Name of target], may your path forward consist of pain. Let it rise from foot to leg to groin to stomach to chest to arms to head.
When finished, cover the pierced footprint with ashes, and spit on the ashes seven times. This works!
3. Salt the Earth in their Gardens
It’s quite literally “just what it says on the tin”: you could find their garden, or yard and add enough salt that within a week or so, nothing will grow there. The potential consequences keep me from recommending this but if you’re inclined, I’m not going to stop you.
Don’t live nearby? There’s another way to have the same effect. On a perfectly flat surface, pour a significant amount of salt. In that salt, trace the image of a house, with their name inside of it. Intently picture the house subject to the winds of an enormous tornado, and lightly blow across the salt until the image is obliterated.
Collect the salt and toss it on the nearest car.
4. Make a Curse Tablet
In the ancient world, it was very common for someone with no power to attempt to effect change via the curse tablet. These tablets were inscribed with the wishes of the oppressed, and described an inversion of power.
Ancient curse tablets were usually metal, inscribed with the curse. These days, it’s not super easy to find a slab of lead and something you can use to inscribe it with. For this reason, I recommend purchasing the most expensive notebook you can find at Office Depot (Moleskine? College-ruled Composition book? It all depends upon your budget.)
On the first page of the notebook, write something exceptionally creative, describing a loss of power. For example:
Brett Kavanaugh, may your penis hurt when you make love. May you never be able to achieve an erection. May you experience the Hell you intend for other people. You are a sniveling shit and so may you bathe in shit when your bowels explode.
Only fill the first page of the notebook.
When satisfied with your invective, go for a walk in the wilderness. When the appropriate moment strikes you, dig a hole no less than two feet deep. Bury the notebook therein, and say:
Lord of Worms and Lord of Fungi, carry the words herein to the ears of the Great Chthonic Powers, that they may afflict [Name of Target] according to their will.
These are just a few potential ideas for hexing the fuckers now in power in the U.S.A. And, I haven’t even scratched the surface — a lot of amazing shit can happen if you learn how to cast the Evil Eye. It should go without saying that if you intend upon disrupting them in person, be sure you’re aware of the consequences of doing so (please, be careful — we’re going to need you).
And again, to those who have moral issues with baneful magic, just don’t do it. For those who are cool with this, share your favorite hexes and curses. Let’s make their nightmares come true.