Anti-Flesh-Eating Zombie Act Repeal Sparks Debate Across America

As Republicans in Washington grapple with how to meet their promise of repealing and replacing the Anti-Flesh-Eating Zombie Act (AFEZA), they are struggling with what may be an irreconcilable problem: bridging the divide between preserving the lives of voters and the longstanding Republican belief in an “every man for himself” escape philosophy.

“Before the AFEZA, Flesh-Eating Zombies were killing a lot of people, says James Ploof, an Independent Pollster who has no party affiliation. Now that we’ve almost 100% contained the Flesh Eating Zombies with AFEZA, a lot of people are wondering if removing the government-sponsored zombie security pens and, instead, letting the zombies loose and handing out comfortable running shoes to the human population is the way to go.

“Everyone’s against the flesh-eating zombies, for sure,” says Rick Schmitty, a grounds manager from Defiance, Ohio who helped vote the current party in office. “I guess we’ll see what happens, but I like the idea of keeping the zombies penned up. I think they’ll find a solution along those lines.”

The proposed GOP bill contains language that explicitly says the zombies will be let loose.

Georgina Stamata, a part-time nurse in Parkersburg, West Virginia, was mauled by a flesh-eating zombie in 2006, before the AFEZA was passed. She barely escaped with her life, and now passes a zombie pen on her way to work.

“I absolutely want the zombies to stay enclosed in their pens,” says Stamata, who didn’t vote in the November election. “If it weren’t for the pens, I’m not sure I’d be standing here talking to you today. I hope they’ll be able to figure out a way to continue to keep people safe that works just as well.”

Republicans claim the safety pens never worked and will not work soon. Their proposed replacement, in addition to the new pair of running shoes, will provide select people with the materials to build their own zombie pens, which will hold up to two (2) flesh-eating zombies per family. In 2006, Stamata was attacked by four zombies.

Nearly 20 million U.S. residents were saved when the state’s flesh-eating zombies were penned up. Experts estimate that at least 10 million people will be attacked immediately when the AFEZA is repealed, and that relying on self-constructed zombie pens could be unpredictable.

“Some people may not know how to build a zombie pen,” says Teresa Quipopolos, a Democratic Zombie Consultant. “Also, most people are attacked by significantly more than two zombies in their lifetimes.”

Nevertheless, many voters are crossing their fingers and hoping it all works out.

“They promised us that the zombies would go away,” says Bob Purty, an Electrician in Phoenix, AZ who voted Republican in November. “So I’m in favor of that.”