How I Stopped Fear From Holding Me Back
For quite some time, fear kept me from publishing anything online. This was primarily driven by the fear of failure, especially since I would not be writing in my native language. This article, however, is an example of how I learned to deal with my anxiety.
A matter of overthinking
Despite always having excelled in school and being a pretty good soccer player, growing up was not easy at all. Teachers in school alerted me about my perfectionism even before attending high school. Eventually I began to doubt my abilities as school got harder and my results became less outstanding. I became insecure and started to overthink everything.
My insecurity expressed itself mostly in thinking about what-if scenarios with a negative outcome. As a result I often avoided the situation completely. The fear of public speaking made me pass the word to other members of my group, handing them the opportunity to shine. It was, however, not only at school that I had to deal with insecurity. Despite my childhood dream to play for the first team of the local soccer club, I preferred not to be selected so I would not have the fear of failing miserably.
Vicious circle
The problem with giving in to fear and avoiding situations, is that often things just get worse. During my time at university, overthinking while driving caused a growing fear of being involved in a car accident. I started to avoid driving, by using public transport or asking my parents to give me a ride. Sooner or later I had to drive myself anyway and even a fifteen-minute drive was very tense. My fear only intensified, ending up in a vicious circle. After a while, I hardly drove the car anymore.
I was not very comfortable in crowds either, especially in small rooms. At university, parties often took place in tiny pubs and my closest friends enjoyed hanging out there. Once again controlled by fear, I started to cancel more than once. Next time I joined, I was even more discomforted than before.
These are only two examples of how fear controlled my life.
Enough is enough
At risk of being socially isolated, I realized something had to change. I read a lot about fear and insecurity and reached out for help. It took me a while to open up about my struggles, as I felt ashamed. Looking back, it turned out to be the best decision I ever made.
Embracing discomfort, rather than avoidance, helped a lot to overcome my fears. To let it be there while distracting myself. The more I confronted my fears, the less they dominated my life. The essence is to practice, and to keep on practicing. Of course, this is easier said than done. It is a long process, with its ups and downs. But it is definitely worth it.
What made me stronger
Gradually exposing myself again proved to be the best strategy. In the case of driving, I started with a co-pilot over a short distance. Steadily I resumed driving alone, over longer distances. Putting on music or a podcast to distract myself from my thoughts in combination with mindful breathing was very helpful. I started to attend parties again, initially with a limited number of attendees preferably outdoors.
To keep talking about my experiences was crucial. Writing down each success was valuable as well. Rereading these notes on a regular basis aided me in starting next time with more confidence and less anxiety.
Another way to stay motivated was to write down who I aspired to be and what my goals were. I visualized this with some pictures and frequently looked at them in difficult times.
Where I am today
Despite still struggling at times, I now have much more control over my life. I have a good job in finance, I drive to work several days a weak and travel by car. I attend crowded festivals and play soccer again. I’m even about to publish an article.
I dare to say I’m living the good life today. With this story, I hope to give others courage. What worked for me might not work for you, but just don’t stop believing that one day it will get better.
