Fourteen’s Feelings

14/12ths of a year have gone by in the Big Apple and I wonder what the next steps are. It’s been a fairly middling few weeks through work and living. The big outstanding events that lie in the path are for May, so I’m perfectly content with cruising through March and the rest of this month (April) until the time comes for me to switch into the next gear.

Looking back at how March elapsed reminded me of the perspective of problems that happened earlier in the year. The issues regarding friends and visits to other parts of the continental U.S. were, at the time troubling, but have since settled into obscurity. I suppose it was an alarming realization at the time that I could be subject to mental anxiety due to the sheer awkwardness of the circumstances. I imagine that the very few who read this will have no clue as to what I mean. In any case, I’ll be describing that moment of anxiety that led to some sort of attack and a break in mental clarity.

At the time of duress, my mind was inundated with negativity and could not escape the abyss of scenarios playing out. I laid in bed tossing and turning at the frustration building up and during one moment of intense thought torture, I decided that I had had enough. In an uncharacteristic move, I declared to myself, “Stop thinking about that.” It landed in an empty room with only myself to hear it spoken.

An almost tangible mental shift pulled me out of the hole. The next moment felt like that scene in the second Matrix where Neo meets the Architect. All those screens that were previously showing random footage independent of each other synced to one flat white background. I felt as if all the noise in my mind was removed in the most abrupt way possible. Some super powerful remote switched all the channels in my mind to one. I couldn’t bring myself to think about anything other than the void that remained. It felt like I was a shell of my former self.

Being the first time in my life anything like this has happened to me, I was thrust into panic mode. Was this some kind of permanent change? How did I just will myself into that space in my head? The rest of the evening crept by with me slowly regaining my composure. The help of my best friend was instrumental in getting me back on the right track. Despite the return to Earth, sleep wasn’t something that I’d make any more progress with.

Later on some time afterwards, I spent the next few outings with friends in NYC unpacking the mental baggage I brought with me from my trip. I learned a great deal about myself as a person and the kinds of interactions I have with others. Nice Guy Syndrome combined with not knowing what it is that I truly want out of any kind of intimacy made for the comedy of errors in miscommunication. Again, I thank the ears of those friends and allowing me to voice my issues in a safe space. It’s not easy to find folks I trust with such personal details.

Now that that’s out of the way and settled, I find myself laughing and scoffing at the turn of events that came from that initial mishap. It’s a valuable learning experience that I can use to further move past my many unsure actions. With more done, it’ll at least partially obstruct me from getting wrapped up in the tangled web of my conscience. Hopefully in the future, I won’t have to resort to using the vocal command of a cease-fire from the onslaught of intrusive thoughts. As effective as it was in preventing me from certain despair, it was too much like an emergency eject button for my existence. The worry of not being able to get back into the driver’s seat is too real to flirt with.

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