I Tell It Like It’s Ten Months

Today is NYC Day 287 and the reality of a full year coming to a close is not far from my thoughts. Over this amount of time I’ve found my work/life balance to be far better than most people living here in the city. It’s very unusual that someone like me, even working two jobs I’d say, has as much free time and flexibility as I do. It almost feels like a joke — albeit less funny for other folks.

Because I hate the idea that I’m wasting effort and time with opportunities to improve my situation, I’m once again trying to be as productive as I can be with the time I have. Whether it means sacrificing social life and relationship ambitions is what I’d have to do, then so be it. It’s honestly not like I’ve made those a priority enough to begin with here in NYC that I have regrets about them. Although some may question the point in living in New York if the only things that you’re going to do you can do anywhere… Good points that I nonetheless have concerns about.

In terms of my limited social life here, I haven’t really felt too different to what I usually do. It’s not that I don’t like hanging out with friends and meeting new people. These days it’s almost like it’s too much effort to go out and do that all the time. I liken myself to be an extrovert, but my introversion in recent memory makes gatherings and being proactive about meeting people exhausting. I almost always feel the desire to be at home and relax on my own after even just a few minutes of talking to other people.

Some of it I think is that I just don’t have the patience for lots of kinds of people anymore. I used to think that I’d get along with anyone. That’s still mostly true! However, I’ve found that I care less and less about a lot of people’s interests when they don’t overlap with mine nearly as much as I’d like. No, I don’t think that’s a good thing. It’s as if getting older means that it’s just flat out more work to be open minded. That worries me a little…

Regardless, I think it segues into my next point well enough. I’m too picky when it comes to people and so finding a relationship in someone that I want to invest my time, energy, and love in is a pipe dream. I see people who have “game” and have no problem being in relationships day in and day out. If you’ve got the tools and attitude to be that person, more power to you! I, for one, don’t have that same perspective of playing that “game” with relationships. In comparison, however, I’m more likely to be playing Solitaire when seemingly everyone else is out there in multiplayer mode. More time for me, I guess.

So what do I do with all that extra free time? For one, I write. I’m almost always thinking about trying to write something or how I’d write something differently or how terrible of a writer I actually am. I’ve picked up reading once again, albeit not as voraciously as one would hope. There are a handful of novels that I checked off my reading list, so I’m still making progress. As long as this engine doesn’t stall, I don’t see any reason why I can’t continue with it as a hobby. Stephen King’s On Writing has been an exercise in good habits to form for mediocre writers such as myself. It’s nice to have a little more structure and guidance with wanting to improve my skills. Reading and writing go hand in hand — it never hurts to be switching from one to the other.

With all of that said, these newly formed routines don’t go without their own setbacks and obstacles. The loneliness and desire for companionship is still fairly strong. Grief that sometimes sticks its ugly head out randomly still catches me off guard. Being bored and procrastinating are still creatures of habit that I’ve yet to tame. Ugh, all in all, I don’t really know anything. I just know that in order to make things easier for myself in the future, I just have to keep doing things. Then things get easier and it’s even easier to do even more things. The powerful positive feedback loop is palpable and I’m just trying to sink my teeth into it since I’ve already had a taste.

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