How Trump Won (According to my evangelical friends)
Now it can be told. God picked The Donald.
And it came to pass that God returned from an eight-year vacation and looked down from the front porch of his home, which is situated in an undisclosed location somewhere in the clouds over Kansas, and he was displeased. He saw that his chosen people — mostly white Americans like himself — were being sorely persecuted.
White people were becoming a minority in their own God-given country, there was a black family in the White House, queers were getting married, millions of transgender people were demanding to use ladies bathrooms, hip hop, Taco trucks, baggy pants, amigas who talk to each in Spanish instead of you at Piggly Wiggly.
Companies were moving their HQs and manufacturing overseas to avoid the onerous tax burdens imposed by the Godless Democrats who have ruled Congress for the past forty-seven years. That same Democratic Congress had crippled American industry by passing regulations that mandaed that when workers went to their jobs in the morning they had a decent chance of coming home alive or unmaimed at the end of the day. Illegal Mexican rapists were taking all the good jobs picking lettuce and strawberries Terrorists with bombs were lurking under everybody’s bed. Remember the 30,000 people who were killed in San Bernardino alone? White people, every one of them.
He could see that the liberal media was unfairly obsessed with white policemen who shot unarmed black men and not nearly concerned enough about Obamacare — -whatever that is, although it can’t be good if a Kenyan-born black Muslim is for it — or Hillary Clinton’s Bengazi “stand down” order or her careless sharing of classified emails with somebody or another. Probably not the Russians since they’re actually pretty good people.
You can’t trust the liberal media on anything, God thought. Remember the time they staged that wild “story” about 20 kids and 6 adults being killed at Sandy Hook so they’d have an excuse to take away the rights I gave my chosen ones to carry a gun to grade school basketball games? I had to shut that one down pretty quick.
And, Jesus Christ (no offense), look at this. Democratic politicians (who have totally controlled Congress since Obama took over) are giving old and poor and disabled people $10,000 a week just to sit around on their fat asses and ingest heroin while hardworking white people have to scramble to get by. The lying liberal media is even trying to say that more white people than black people are on welfare (and heroin).
It is a righteous fact, God thought, that black people aren’t really trying very hard. They live in crime-ridden ghettos where they spend their days breaking windows and looting CVS stories and their nights listening to primitive, obscene jungle music from people called Jay-Z and Beyonce and ‘Lil Wayne.
And God said to himself. “WTF?”
Clearly, he realized, I shouldn’t have taken that vacation and left my skinny-ass house boy in charge. I should have at least kept up with my Facebook page. These poor persecuted poor people must think I’ve abandoned them. I was going to work on those dying women and children in Aleppo but these are my chosen ones so I have to fix this immediately.
And so he set out to make amends. He read everything he had missed during his absence for 14 days and night, pausing only to watch The Voice (God never misses Blake Shelton). He read thousands of articles from the fake news sites that have created a boom in Macedonia. He listened to all of Alex Jones theories and watched Fox News for hours on end. He read every article in Breitbart and Drudge Report for the past 18 months. He even watched Sean Hannity whom he finds personally obnoxious.
And God was ashamed that his chosen people were so unhappy and miserable. “What shall I do to make amends,” he thought. After much reflection, he said “I know what I’ll do. I’ll send them a new Messiah who will right all the wrongs.”
And it happened that America was having an election and God saw this as an opportunity to correct the injustice and he started reviewing the resumes of the candidates for president.
There was the nasty New York real estate developer with yam-colored hair and a clear record of having never given a thought to anyone beyond himself in his seven decades on earth. The man had been in church three times in the past 40 years — to get married to three different women. He had had carnal relationships with hundreds of women in his young and randy years. God saw that the man had broken every one of the 10 commandments many times. He had lied every day of his life, coveted his neighbor’s wife, committed adultery on multiple occasions, stolen money from suppliers and other people who performed services for him, cheated his government, worshiped craven images like gold plated doorknobs and bathroom faucets and even put himself above God on several occasions. God chuckled as he read that one and thought “He’s a rude bugger but I like a man who is not politically correct.”
He then turned his attention the other candidate — the frumpy older woman in a pantsuit. She had spent 40 years in public service trying to help others. Sure, there was a little bit of sneakiness and a little bit of grifter there. She was kind of like those missionaries God had sent to Hawaii to do good who wound up doing very well indeed. True, she took some plates and silverware and Hummel figurines with her when she left the White House and she had leveraged her fame into a sizable fortune. But, her intentions were mostly pure. Her charitable foundation did much good work around the world. She paid her taxes and let anyone who wanted to see them. She carried her Methodist Bible with her every day and actually read it for solace and inspiration. Among her enemies, she was the most criticized, scorned, investigated and lied about human being since Jesus himself. She had borne it all with grace and patience and a remarkable resilience. Not one official finding of illegal misconduct was ever found.
“This is a tough one,” God thought. And so he retired to his bed chambers to rest and the next morning he arose and summoned his cabinet of archangels who were eager to hear his decision..Almost all were betting on the frumpy older lady in a pantsuit.
“I have decided to go with the nasty New York real estate guy with the yam-colored hair,” God said. “Granted, the frumpy older lady in a pantsuit has a much better record of true Christian behavior and is far and away the more honest, moral and decent human being. But, these are times that call for some thinking outside the box. The very existence of working class white Americans is on the line.”
The archangels were stunned. “But can he really do the job,” Gabriel ask. “Remember when we had to bail him out back in the 90s?”
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” God replied. “I know it won’t be easy but I’ve got some dirt on Comey. If things start to look tight, we’ll tell him to put his thumb on the scale.” He paused. “Look guys. I know this decision will be unpopular with many but with all those scandals she must have done something wrong sometime. And, anyway, America is just not ready for a woman President.”
And so it came to pass. And that’s the gospel truth.