Image for post
Image for post

“You’re not fat you’re beautiful”.

“You have a pretty face”.

“You look great. Have you lost weight?”

Have you ever noticed how nervous people are to call an actual fat person fat? Not the losers who try to hurt our feelings but like — casually, in conversation if a fat person says fffffaaaaattttt shit gets weird. And its weird because like… fat people ARE fat but we like… can’t say that?

That’s fatphobia. That cringey feeling that pops up is the cognitive dissonance created by the hatred of fat people and the fat person you like but don’t want to acknowledge as hated. …


Three fat black people in black bathing suits in a pool. Photo by Shooglet.
Three fat black people in black bathing suits in a pool. Photo by Shooglet.

People react to fat bodies with rage because fat bodies disrupt belief systems. People put their entire lives on hold because they don’t want to be fat — refusing to show up to events if they haven’t lost weight or refusing to pursue goals until they are a certain size. People dress in clothing that hurts and restricts their bodies to hide. People tip toe through life because they don’t want to walk too loudly. People hold their breath because they don’t want to breathe too heavily.

This is the nature of fatphobia.

People sucking in their stomachs so they can appear smaller even just for a moment. This is the desperate nature of fatphobia. This is how high the stakes are. It’s frantic and the belief that “fat bodies are morally bad bodies” forces people to carry a tremendous amount of shame. …


Image for post
Image for post

someone asked me about unrequited love last year and I wanted to share my answer with you… just in case… 😣

Image for post
Image for post

Hi precious lil baby dyke, here are a few things to think about.

1. Perspective is everything.

Image for post
Image for post

When we romanticize a person or situation we are pretending that there was a happy ending that we are somehow missing out on. Allow yourself to understand that if someone doesn’t want you or hasn’t expressed that they are interested in building a future with you then your relationship with them was more than likely going to be an unpleasant one.

So instead of longing for something ideal you can sit with something more realistic. They probably would have treated you like shit and that probably would have you fucked you up and they probably have done you a huge favor by eliminating their self from your life. …


Image for post
Image for post

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if it always felt good to set a boundary? Wouldn’t it be absolutely terrific if a firm “no” was met with understanding and not retaliation?

We are educated to be compliant. We’re socialized to fit in. Respect your elders. Mind your manners. Follow the protocol. Our entire lives are spent bowing to authority and following rules. And you have the nerve to step out of line and set a rule for yourself?

Listen. I get it. Setting a boundary can be necessary at times but we talk about setting boundaries like it’s a cute, happy, fun, celebrated process. …


Image for post
Image for post

For years I’ve witnessed the unquestioned humiliation of fat people hidden under the guise of heath concerns. Many of us have tried to defend ourselves by sharing personal details about our physical activity and lack of “health issues”. This has not kept us safe. “It’s fine as long as you’re healthy” is a common permission granted to fat people by friends, family and strangers alike. But is it really fine? And what exactly do people mean when they say “healthy”?

I think two lies are being told when people say “ It’s fine as long as you’re healthy”. For one, being fat is not fine for most people. People don’t want to be fat. They don’t want to look fat. They don’t want to date fat people. They don’t want fat co-workers. They don’t want fat people on their teams. They don’t want fat friends. They don’t even want fat people in their families. And when they do allow us to exist in their lives and spaces they use us to boost their self-esteem and to position theirselves as good people and heroes. …


Image for post
Image for post

I remember the first time I heard about Torrid. I was walking through the mall with my tall thin gay best friend who I had a massive crush on. He says “have you seen that store Torrid?” “Torrid?” “Yeah, it’s some store that sells fishnets for fat girls but nobody wants to see fat girls in fishnets.”

Devastating.

My cliché best friend crush was obviously disgusted by fat girls but was talking to an actual fat girl who actually kinda wanted him to not hate her fat body? Wow. Crushes are so demonic but also multiple eyeball emoji because up until this point the only other store I had shopped at was Lane Bryant. And girl. Imagine me, a tall fat black junior in high school wanting to dress the way I felt but only having access to business clothes made for middle aged white women with jobs. …


Image for post
Image for post

On the life changing youtube channel Surviving Narcissism, Dr. Les Carter uses a psychology equation to explain how covert narcissism and gaslighting result in victims of emotional abuse experiencing anxiety. As a survivor of such abuse I’ve been following his channel in an effort to identify when I’m experiencing behavior that is harmful to me. Because of the nature of manipulation and social conditioning some of us can go years, even lifetimes not knowing that we were experiencing abuse. Gaslighting makes us question our realities and when loved ones are gaslighting us it makes it even more difficult to identify. Why would the people we love the most in the world terrorize us in this way? …


Image for post
Image for post

Have you ever mustered up the courage to share something personal only to have it received with a jarring or not so welcoming response? We’ve all experienced it. You share something you’ve been toiling with for days, weeks, sometimes years hoping to find some relief and then the way people respond is just — all wrong. It kinda feels like whatever happened is happening all over again. We put something precious in the hands of people we trust and sometimes people just let us down. Human things with human things doing — human things. It can get messy.

As a social worker I’ve been trained on how to receive information from clients in an array of circumstances and settings. And beyond that I would say that I’m what some might consider a highly sensitive person or HSP. I feel everything. When a person is sharing I can often feel the origin of the trauma and every pause and arrangement of words tells an additional story in juxtaposition to the story that’s being delivered. Things said and unsaid, I consider them all. It’s a great test of boundaries because even though I may want to respond to the entirety of problem, it’s imperative that I show up for people the way that they want to receive me. …


Image for post
Image for post

The more I surround myself with fat activism the more my thoughts around recovering from and surviving fatphobia evolve. Over time I began to easily clock institutional and interpersonal fatphobia but it wasn’t until recently that I realized there were still ways that internalized fatphobia was gently shifting my daily choices and impacting my outlook on life.

My celebration of self- discovery and self -acceptance was so big and loud and warranted that I missed the very unsuspecting and quiet passenger denying me pleasure and rest. In my mind I had become so radical and liberated that I forgot about the ideological fatphobia that I’ve been fed since childhood. It’s the unspoken yet affirmed knowledge that fat bodies hold less privilege. It courses through my veins with entitlement and there’s nothing I or you can do about it. …


Image for post
Image for post

Dear odd older White woman with a terrible tumblr blog who a few years ago, just stumbled across my blog –

I don’t care if you like me.

I actually don’t care if you think I’m beautiful.

I don’t care if you think I’m strong, sexy and intelligent and I especially don’t care if you consider yourself someone that loves me. Your imaginary relationship with me has caused you to have me — what some African Americans might refer to as — fucked up.

What I find phenomenal but not surprising is that you have followed my personal blog for four years and that you still think that I’m the kind of African American that might be receptive to a message from a White woman who wants to educate an actual African American on African American issues. …

About

the fat black philosopher

art, activism & ideas 🧐💡 jervae.com

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store