Real Testimony

Jess
Jess
Sep 7, 2018 · 10 min read

After sharing my testimony with countless people, it took weeks before I got a response from someone that actually made me reconsider something.

“I really appreciate and relate to everything you wrote,” he began earnestly, “but I just don’t get it still.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just don’t get how you made that kind of change. I don’t get how you became a different person. I don’t get how you transformed.”

I thought about it for a minute. He was right. I had explained all of the ways that God has pursued me relentlessly and saved and protected me fiercely over the years, but I didn’t really get into detail just how my soul transformed. Because the topic carried some pain with it at the time, I more or less avoided it in my testimony. How could I neglect attention and detail to the most important part? And I fancied myself some kind of Big-Shot writer. (Just kidding!).

But seriously. This kid was spot on. I thanked him for bringing it to my attention. I told him that God put him in my path for a reason. I’d have to go back an edit my testimony. I’d have to give more detail and attention to how I actually transformed.

I’m also going to include this in my testimony- this will be both a separate piece and included in my previous blog entitled, Testimony.

Recently I had the urge to sleep with the Bible on my chest. No, it wasn’t my idea. I’m not that holy. I got the idea from someone, from two people actually, and I put it into action a few nights ago. I was feeling uneasy- bad energy- at night. I said, whatever page I happen to turn to, I wont look at until morning. Maybe something in that page of scripture is a message I need to hear from God.

I don’t normally sleep on my back, so this wasn’t exactly easy to accomplish. I wanted to send my love to someone, and in the process, God put a few other people on my heart, one of whom I reached out to.

Low and behold, the next morning I woke up to Isaiah 40:28:

He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion, but those who Trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

At the time, thats what I needed to hear.

It also brought me back to Fourth of July. I started to replay that day in my head in painstaking detail. I remember waking up that morning, slightly late- it must have been close to 11am. I wasn’t well-rested. I was groggy. My landlord woke me because she wanted to fix the leak in the air conditioner. I didn’t want to be rude but I had to rush her and her friend, who gave me his business card, because I didn’t have much time before my best friend was coming to pick me up.

I had my Fourth of July outfit already planned- it was the same one from the previous year with the addition of a new American-Flag headband. I really love my country! Fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays- it’s been that way since childhood.

I felt really lucky to be going to a party that day with my best friend. She’s a busy girl with a lot of friends, so I counted myself lucky for any time with her. I asked her what she was doing but I didn’t think I’d be invited to go wherever she was going. I remember saying, “are you sure it’s okay?”

I went out and bought food and drinks- I was raised to never go anywhere empty handed. They were all ready to go the night before.

I looked in the mirror. I was overwhelmed with a light feeling. I didn’t care how silly I looked with my headband and my hair in braids because it’s the only way it looked semi-presentable. I didn’t really care to wear too much makeup. I remember thinking keep it light. I just felt light that day.

And she and I ended up at one of her friend’s houses. We would stay there for a few hours before going to her brother’s house. I felt slightly awkward, not knowing anyone, but it’s a feeling I’m used to.

I get really bored and impatient with small-talk. I hate having to feign an interest- but I remember doing all of those things that day until my mother called.

I stepped aside. I was a couple of drinks in. It was nice to talk to my mother through a slight haze- that would make her words less toxic. She was checking up on me. Giving me updates. Seeing how I was. Probably, in some way or form, expressing disappointment for my impromptu decision to leave Florida for the summer. Probably, in some way or form, sensing that I was about to break from the steady, stable, suffocating life she always wanted me to exist in.

I was glad to leave the place where we were. The people were nice, but I was happy not to have to fake any more small talk. We headed to my friend’s brother’s house.

Here’s the part when I can get into all of the vibes I got from everyone- all the key people- that day. Some of which were confirmed to be accurate. A friend of mine calls me an empath- saying I can pick up on energy and what people are feeling. I don’t know if it’s that or if God has just given me the gift of discernment so I can see through people’s exteriors, defenses, presentations to the world and I can feel the truth (whether it be Joy or Pain) coming from their eyes and hearts.

In either case, it happened a lot that day. I was picking up on more than I knew how to process. While I was still light, there was a heaviness now. I walked into something heavy, something intense, something spiritual. And when I interacted with someone there, and he shared his story with me in front of the entire gathering of people, the only way I can really describe what I experienced is that it tore my soul out.

I don’t cry in front of strangers. Some would accuse me as outwardly heartless. But there I was crying. I couldn’t stop myself.

And though I was scared, I felt the need to share my own story, since it also had to do with suicide. I didn’t realize, at the time, that both suicide stories/testimonies occurred just months apart. Talk about Seasons of Life!

There was some praying involved afterward. I remember thinking to myself: this must look really weird to everyone around us. Two people crying in the middle of a Fourth of July party.

Now let’s get back to fireworks!!!

Something else happened. I got a call from a No Caller Idea. I put the person on speaker because it’s impossible to hear anyone on my phone without it. I also put them on mute because there was the singing of Happy Birthday going on and I didn’t want to be rude. I forgot to take the mute button off and the person hung up.

While this might not be anything significant, what struck me interesting was the time. The call was made right around the time that people are with their friends and family watching the first round of fireworks. Who would be thinking of me at that time?

I racked my brain and the mystery kept me agitated for a few more days.

I remember looking at those fireworks after I spent some time sitting by myself (because after the experience I had I wanted to be alone). I saw the fireworks but I didn’t see them. I was quiet and looking through them. I felt light years away. But I had an adventurous spirit and I wanted to see the fireworks’ source. I went for a walk around the neighborhood.

A lot happened afterward but I’ll skip to the part that is central to my testimony.

Whatever got turned on inside of me on Fourth of July was in danger of slipping away. I sensed the loss of it. It destroyed me. I was in excruciating pain. I was writing in my journal- and then I said it:

“God- I need you right here, right now.”

Within the next hour, all of my pain, doubt, anxiety, worry, fear melted away. It fell right off me. I was driving and texting someone and I knew that every word I wrote was backed with the confidence of God. I was at peace.

I went to the ATM and I took out $40. I drove to the beach- it was a Friday and my friends play volleyball there at 6 pm. It was only around 3pm when I arrived.

“That will be $40 to park,” the girl told me.

I laughed to myself. Okay, God. You had me take out exactly $40. Nice work!

I got to the beach and I walked away from from people. I wanted to be alone and just enjoy God and my music and get lost in the beauty of the ocean.

God had other plans.

Enter two boys, both covered with tattoos. They looked a little rough.

Talk to them, I heard God say.

Are you out of your mind, God? I’m a female! I’m alone. If I go over to those guys it will totally give the wrong impression. Besides, what would I even say?

Talk to them, God repeated.

And just then, I saw a cross tattoo on one of the guy’s arms. At least there would be something to talk about.

We talked. We exchanged numbers. We talked for hours. Strangers talking about God and church and life. Turns out the other guy had a tattoo on his neck that said Pray For Me, and he shared that his mom died of cancer that January and he was unsure where he was going to live. I told him I was inviting him to church. And I did. More than once.

Now, something happened when I obeyed God’s request to talk to those guys. All of a sudden, I liked people. I remember going to the bathroom and smiling at everyone I saw. One girl even complemented my bikini. I was just on Cloud-9. I wasn’t on earth. Everything just felt so peaceful, so liberating, so great. There’s such an amazing feeling when you cross the barrier and conquer the fear to talk to strangers- especially when you are talking to them about Jesus Christ and God!!!

And soon enough there was the volleyball game at hand. I joined my friends for a minute. I had been at the beach all day. But I felt the need to go for a walk just as the sun was setting. My phone was going to die.

I was texting someone pictures of the sunset. There really are the most magical sunsets there. And somehow I ended up near the shoreline, isolated. I looked around in all directions but there didn’t seem to be any people there. And all of a sudden it seemed as if everything stopped- everything grew still. The sky stopped moving- every cloud in the sky- even the ocean stopped moving and grew calm. I knew there were people in the distance but I couldn’t see them or hear them anywhere.

I took a picture of it and my phone died- I didn’t know if the picture would save or not.

The overwhelming feeling of peace wouldn’t go away. It made me dizzy. It made me feel like I was fainting. It made me feel like I wasn’t alive. I pinched myself. Nothing was moving. Everything was still. Where am I? Is this heaven? Did I die? Did I finally pass into eternal life?

The feeling made me drop to my knees. When I regained consciousness, I started to pray:

I am so sorry, God. I am in awe of you. I am so sorry for ever doubting you- for ever doubting your presence. I will never question you again. Your will truly is perfect!

That’s what I said.

When I got home I called my parents. I said I love you to my mom for the first time in 15 years. I was just filled with an overwhelming sensation of peace and love. And I prayed. Man, did I pray to God. I finally gave Him the thankfulness he deserves. I realized that His will is perfect because he led me to this moment and I wished I could just die right there- close to him.

I never knew I could be that close to him.

But he was showing me all other visions. He was showing me how I was going to have everything I ever asked for- and more. He was showing me all the ways he was putting all my plans to shame. He was going to give me True Love, a Family, AND A MISSION! I wouldn’t have to choose. I could fight for him while surrounded by love and a family. I would have a purpose. I would have the best of ALL worlds. The best this poor little earth has to offer. And this is why nothing else before then satisfied. This is why nothing else fit!

He wanted me to have someone equally honest, equally devoted to Him.

In time I would revisit that moment of 100% Pure Faith, Confidence, Assurance whenever I had the subsequent feelings of fear and doubt. I tattooed God’s Will Is Perfect on my arm so I would have a constant reminder of that moment and so that I would recognize it as the only truth I know wholeheartedly. I am never going back no matter what!!! (It’s also a great conversation starter to strangers about God!)

I don’t think I’ve ever felt better in my entire life.

Time would come and pass, and as I was sharing my story with all of my friends in Florida, I also showed them the picture I took (that actually saved!) right before my phone died.

“Do you see it?” my friend Danielle asked.

“See what?”

“The angel?! Look at the clouds in the picture! It looks just like an angel.”

I saw it. She was right. As clear as daylight there was the distinct profile shape of an angel- one with powerful wings and artillery. Gabriel? Michael? I know one of them was watching over me that day.

And time would have it so that I would remember the words of the pastor, Pastor Craig Groeschel, who got me saved. When he gave his testimony he said:

I just dropped to my knees in that softball field and I came up a different person.

But how? I thought. My journey to Christ was so much more gradual. Baby steps. How could a person change in a single instant?

I didn’t get it until now. I left that beach on July 20th a different person. I made the decision to quit my job and stay in New York and dedicate my whole life to whoever, whatever, however, God wants me to be.

So, yes, God, I’ll finally be the woman you created me to be. I now know why nothing else was ever enough.