2018: An inflection point
I’ve never kept a new year’s resolution in my life. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t changed. Transformations have been precipitated by painful self-realizations — bad habits or negative behavior patterns that I suddenly saw, and realized weren’t serving me. Change itself has usually been organic, sometimes slow and painful. Facilitated by a conversation with a wise friend, a course or book I was reading, or a life change: breakups that were hard but led to better relationship choices; my move to China, which forced me to unravel and remake my relationship with myself. (Note: when you don’t know anyone in the city where you live, you can rediscover what’s important to you. I recommend trying this for anyone who feels stuck where they are).
The beginning of this year brought with it a feeling that change was imminent, potentially dramatic and very necessary. As if i could feel tectonic shifts in the plates of my life. My agency was merging with a few others, the leadership was changing, people were leaving. Having got married just a few months ago, I was settling in to a new phase with my partner, and various future plans that we have discussed were becoming visible on the horizon. And I was just weeks away from a month long trip to Sierra Leone to work with an NGO as their marketing consultant. Trip of a lifetime, with the potential for a lot of personal and professional growth.
I could see that I needed to focus and take stock of what was serving me, and what was not, and start to identify more clearly what I wanted from the next year, and perhaps beyond. This felt daunting and unwieldy. I was uncomfortable having to take the reigns and define the changes myself; Being a Sagittarius (Scorpio rising), and an ENFP, I tend to avoid working out the finer details of a process, and am highly adept at creative, big picture thinking. I often prefer going on my intuition, feeling my way, and making decisions that guide the creative process on the fly. My day job as a brand strategist and consultant has required me to balance this with a structured, analytical approach to understanding and solving problems for my clients. The ability to fuse the two things is often something that I’m praised for. When looking at how to achieve personal growth in a more considered, structured way, though, I find it hard to instill rigor or guidelines. Amidst all the talk of goal setting, gratitude journalling, career reviews and meditation that we’re meant to do (does anyone do ALL of this, may I ask?), I get lost and feel like I don’t know where to start. I judge myself for not being neat and tidy in my thought processes, or having a structured plan as to how I’m going to ‘get to where I am going’. Even writing that makes me feel a bit anxious…
Nevertheless, the last few weeks felt like they were pushing me towards taking action. So here I am, trying to listen to what’s underneath and identify what I’m looking to change, and how I might go about doing it. There were a couple of ideas that had woven their way into my mind, and kept reappearing as questions that I wanted answers to. And that’s what I’m going to do. Pose those questions for myself, and allow for an organic process of identifying the answers. Do I want to be held accountable? Yes, I suppose I do in a way — which is why I’m writing this — but I equally want to recognize that this might not be a straightforward, linear process. It may feel messy at times. Small changes may go unnoticed amidst the day-to-day, and I may lose my way — ore relapse into old habits when the going gets tough…
In the name of getting started, though, I’m sharing the questions here. And intend to write more about these and some other adventures and insights during the course of 2018. In true ENFP style, I’m not going to commit to a frequency just yet, but I’m ok with that for now.
- How can I lead a more simple life?
When I first moved to China and knew nobody, I suddenly didn’t have any commitments in the evenings. I went to yoga almost every night (that was the foundation for one of my biggest transformations), cooked a lot and felt more relaxed. I then made friends who loved and valued the same things and we just hung out and enjoyed letting life lead us where it wanted us to go.
I still love the same things now, but somehow life in NYC has become unwieldy and complex. I feel like I’m running to keep up with myself, balancing work (with a 50 min commute each way), my relationship, friendships, household chores, the gym, cultural activities… The list goes on. All of these things are meaningful to me and important, but I crave more space to just ‘be’. I crave having time to cook in the evenings rather than having to ensure food is prepped for the week on the weekend. I have been trying to reduce the number of things I agree to every week (I know, that’s like ‘be less busy 101’ etc…). And I’ve also tried to simplify by owning fewer things or getting rid of stuff that I don’t use or want anymore. But somehow it’s not enough. So, this will be the year when I enquire into my own version of balance. I don’t have answers yet, but I will report back when I do. The month away in Sierra Leone also feels like it might enforce more quiet time for reflection.. we’ll see.
2. How can I be more organized?
I love an organized and tidy home (as my husband will confirm), but when it comes to being on time and having all the information and resources necessary, I sometimes fall short. The only place I don’t fall short is when i’m going to the gym or to a class. I’m always there with what I need, ready to participate. I know that dramatically altering my entire personality may not be possible, and I’ll never look like my close INTJ friends who’ve thought about every detail months in advance, but I would like to feel like I have more clarity each day and week as to what’s needed of me, and how I can show up being my best self. I’ve started by trying not to be a ‘dreamer’, and take a more realistic attitude to how long things should take. I’m also trying to limit time on my phone (see no. 3) as that is the very enemy of cultivating these qualities!
3. How can I have less screen time and be more present?
Ok. This one is a no-brainer, and everyone knows it’s of huge benefit. I’m a better wife and friend when my phone is stashed out of sight. I also think I’d be more punctual if I wasn’t distracted by the latest messages in my girl squad thread, or the emails in my inbox. I have an app (Moment) that tells me how long I’ve been on my phone every day, and a limit that I’m meant to stay below. I’m somewhat successful at doing that, but there are days when it just gets out of control. I’ve taken to blocking Instagram from my phone during work hours and have deleted Facebook from my phone entirely and barely use it. Perhaps I’m more advanced with this question as I’ve been trying to limit this for a while — I’ve also been turning the phone onto airplane mode at night then leaving it like that until 1hr after I get up. I try to make a point of hugging my husband first thing when I wake up rather than looking at it. Next step, leave the phone in another room when I sleep and lower my usage by another 30 mins a day. I think I can easily get there!
4. How can I be the best version of ME?
So, if I am able to answer no’s 1–3, I think I’ll be well on my way to being a better version of myself already. I also want to balance this idea I have of what a successful woman should look like in the world, and the reality of everyone being different. Do I need to have makeup on every day and a killer outfit to feel like I’m ready for the world and am going to kick-ass at work? Should the files on my computer be neatly categorized and labelled at all times? Do I need to achieve inbox zero? (See also should I be journalling etc every day…?). I want to be my best self, but I think I’ll always be somewhat rough around the edges here and there. I want to be ok with that, and truly comfortable with not being perfect rather than believing that I’ll only be my best self when I’m uber productive and buttoned up 100% of the time.
5. How can I think about my professional development without feeling overwhelmed?
This one is about how I can start to make audacious goals for myself, and connect to what I want to achieve, without feeling like I don’t know how to get there, or whether I’m worthy of it in the first place. I started at the beginning of this year with an exercise in my Happiness Planner (yup, I know) that helped me identify things that I felt went well in 2017, and what could go better in 2018, plus some other areas of interest and big dreams that were lingering underneath my brain chatter. A big one for me here is not getting in my own way — not putting tasks off, and finding a way to be more efficient. I have already committed to ‘having empathy for my future self’. The truth is that if I don’t want to do something now, I’m not going to want to do it more tomorrow. Getting it done will feel way better than not, so I’m trying to just jump right in. Efficiency is something hard to cultivate in the world of distractions we live in, but I know the more active steps I take to reduce those, the more fulfilled I feel. I’m also trying to ensure I record all my ‘next actions’ (see Getting Things Done). When I do, I’m more successful. But sometimes I resist it (see no. 4 and being a bit rough round the edges!).
This year feels like an inflection point. It feels like it has a lot of promise, and the opportunity for a huge amount of growth but I know I won’t access that without being more intentional. So, this is my starting point — an inquiry into what works for me, and an opportunity to let go of what doesn’t.
