You want an agent:

My punctuation sucks and I’m working with a diminished vocabulary, but when I read the stuff that’s selling and the complete shit sentences that make up the body of work, it pisses me off.
I go out of my way to twist a sentence and make the reading of it interesting even without the content, but the stuff that’s making money, cookie-cutter horseshit, seems like it’s written for idiots.

I think I’ll try a near death experience…where is the safest place one might shoot oneself in the head?