Sasha Stone’s Stunted Spouting

Across nearly two decades, Sasha Stone has built up a sizable following writing about various cinematic fetes on her website, Awards Daily. As such, she’s uniquely qualified to transfer her knowledge of Writers Guild demographics toward the political sphere. In recent months, she opted to turn her Twitter feed into a long diatribe against Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, raging with a nigh-constant fury culminating in a recent blog post here.

Sasha’s arguments against Sanders’ campaign and personality boast the intellectual qualities you’d expect from a 3rd tier film writer, i.e., none. But what Stone lacks in insight she more than makes up for in bizarre attacks on Sanders’ character and regular lapses in rhetorical soundness. She’s a lot of fun. I’ve decided to do a little Fire Joe Morgan-style annotating of her post, which I’ve broken up but left otherwise unedited in bold below:

“The Bernie Sanders I Thought I Knew Is Gone”

Sasha Stone

*cue the “My City Was Gone”’ bass line: duh-duh-duh-nuh-duh-nuh*

How must it feel to feel like a god? Bernie Sanders knows.

Mmm, disingenuously pumping up Sanders’ made-up god complex AND phrasing it poorly? We’re off to a rockin’ start!

At the end of each of his debates with Hillary Clinton, he never turned toward her or the news anchors. He always turned to his cheering, adoring fans, soaking up the sunbeams of their love each and every time. Who wouldn’t?

Wolf Blitzer still lies awake each night in his cavernous Bethesda manse, ruminating over the debate in which Senator Bernie Sanders failed to turn to him at its conclusion. Sometimes, Wolf screams. Sometimes, he lies in silence. Sometimes, he makes love to his wife but only out of habit and obligation. His mind turns back, back to that fateful night when Bernie Sanders refused to offer a smile, a nod, an indication that he, Wolf Blitzer, was a bright man, a good man. A man who matters.

It would have been nice if Sanders turned toward Clinton, though. I mean, he did so here. And here. And here. But it took 2.8 seconds on Google images to find a mere 3 instances in which Sanders treated Hillary Clinton with any modicum of respect. I’m sickened.

(Also, “sunbeams of their love”? Lay off the rejected Cream lyrics, Sasha.)

Who is the real Bernie? Is he not the guy I once thought he was? The guy whose videos I watched, who was always ready to give voice to the anger many of us felt whenever Republicans blocked any progress Democrats tried to make? I begin to ask myself: How could that guy be getting so few endorsements from his colleagues anywhere in Congress?

Because his colleagues did stupid things like vote for the War in Iraq and pack Wall Street bailouts into a bill that should have benefited manufacturing concerns and spent decades whistling happily as home prices skyrocketed while middle and working-class wages stagnated? Or maybe Sanders brought shitty desserts to senate pot-lucks. Not everyone likes apricot cobbler, Bernie. Geez.

Why does this Bernie Sanders act like he doesn’t have a son?

Wait, what? Where the hell did that come from? Did Bernie Sanders pull a Joe Kennedy and hide some mentally disabled child in an asylum? Did Sasha Stone break some riveting news that could debilitate Bernie Sanders’ entire political future?!!

Oh. Nah, it turns out that Levi Sanders is just kinda mild-mannered and his old man prefers to stick to the issues. Bernie went trick-or-treating with him and his kids last Halloween. Not every politician’s kid makes $600,000 a year from a part-time national news correspondent’s job.

Why does this Bernie Sanders treat his own wife so disrespectfully?

Damn. I like Sanders. I want to vote for him. But, gosh, he treats his wife disrespectfully? Lay the evidence on me, Sasha. I can take it.

Finally, why does this Bernie Sanders seem unable to face the reality that he has lost the primary to Hillary Clinton?

Or you can immediately move on sans links, clips, quotes or even half-assed anecdotal gossip overheard during a shrimp and champers lunch at Shutters by the Beach. I know how much you love your shrimp and champers, Sasha.

The past several years, Bernie Sanders had been a beacon of truth in the Senate, the one guy many of us liberals — progressive or otherwise — turned to as a kind of true North.

Weird capitalization choices on “true North” but otherwise, yeah, Stoner basically describes Sanders’ public role in recent years.

We passed links to his speeches around and held him in the highest regard. That Bernie is gone. In his place has emerged another Bernie — probably the real Bernie — the one who was never satisfied with just being a reliable “yes vote” in Congress, the one with dreams of being a revolutionary that had never been realized.

If my Facebook feed is to be believed, people still pass around clips of Bernie Sanders speeches like, uh…joints at a Who concert. (Screw it, that’s a hep enough reference for a political post.) And he’s been the same guy for years. That’s 37.97 percent of his appeal (I sent the data over to a buddy of mine at Stanford. He drinks heavily but I’m pretty sure this number checks out).

I don’t know if Sasha recognizes the rhetorical instability of saying “another Bernie” followed by “the one who was never satisfied.” So he was never satisfied and then changed into another Bernie who…is never satisfied? What? Lay off the shrimp and champers, Sasha, if only for the 18 minutes it took you to write this piece.

For Bernie Sanders — mostly dismissed or largely unnoticed in the 35 years he held political office, living comfortably off the good graces of taxpayers — to at last have massive numbers of people listening to him must feel like a very big deal.

Yeah, it’s pretty awful that Bernie Sanders sat around on his ass collecting senate, congressional & mayoral checks from tax payers. Unlike Hillary Clinton, who earned all her money from private enterprise. Except when she was Secretary of State. And a New York Senator. And the First Lady of the United States. And the First Lady of Arkansas. But besides all that, she was, like, an attorney in the 70’s. And Goldman Sachs paid her a shitload of money to deliver a speech. Which is how politicians should earn a living, frankly. By…making speeches…to financial institutions…who helped create a mortgage crisis…

Also, unnoticed or not, Bernie Sanders rated as America’s “Best Liked” senator last year, with an 83% approval rating from his Vermont constituents.

This is a guy whose ideological purity had found little traction in a bipartisan government that exists through collective compromise and evolves through incremental change.

I guess, although it’s a little insane that someone like Mitch McConnell could DECLARE that his foremost goal as Senate Minority Leader in 2012 was to make Barack Obama a one-term president and members of the House of Representatives are willing to shut down the government to retain conservative fiscal bona fides but the liberal side of government is expected to “aww shucks” their way across the aisle.

The famously obstinate and “holier than thou” temperament Sanders projected was off-putting to his colleagues. Well, to most of them. Not, as it turns out, to an ally who is now the sole focus of his ire — Hillary Clinton. Clinton was a Senator who COULD work with everyone, and still does.

Yeah, Sanders isn’t exactly Johnny Homecoming King within the hallowed senate halls. I’ll give Sasha that one. Unlike…Hillary Clinton, who Republican politicians just unequivocally adore. That’s why she spent 479,000 hours (I think my Stanford buddy was finally in the bag when he came up with this estimate) testifying on Benghazi while Republican House members like Trey Gowdy came in their pants (never wear grey to a hearing, Trey!).

Here’s a list of people Republican politicians loathe:

1. Barack Osocialist
2. Bill Clinton
3. The scientist who said trans fats were bad. It was probably a chick.
4. Hillary Clinton
5. Any rapper with a gun charge

Republican leaders who called Donald Trump “A bloated, gouty fascist fuckface bearing a visage reminiscent of Garfield’s ass” (the previous quote is an amalgam) 3 months ago are now tripping over their Hush Puppies to endorse him because even grudging support for Hillary Clinton remains such a loathsome notion.

I also like Sasha’s “and still does” comment. “Still”? What, she’s working with Republicans by running against their entire party platform? Huh? Also, and I’m being nitpicky here, saying Hillary works with “everyone” makes it easy for lazy malcontents like me to go “What, like for-profit prisons heh heh heh.”

They remained friends for over a decade — until the pain of losing to his former colleague became too much for Sanders to bear. It wasn’t just that he was being beaten “by a girl.”

My stars, did Sanders say he didn’t want to get beaten “by a girl”? That’s really bad. He must have said it. Sasha put it in quotes. Quotes imply a spoken source. Sasha wouldn’t just add quotes to a sexist smear in order to tarnish Bernie Sanders’ character for the purposes of her shoddily-researched article, would she?

It was that he was being beaten by the woman he had first encountered when she was the wife of Bill Clinton, the woman who had the gall to achieve what he couldn’t — delivering a near-socialist healthcare package to Capitol Hill as First Lady. That effort wasn’t pure enough to suit Sanders, the man who never compromised. Too many forces stood in opposition for the Clinton health care plan of 1993 to prevail. Hillary Clinton, though, was undaunted by such roadblocks — she was and is a doer.

This chunk of marvelous insanity exists solely to tempt me into going off on a 20,000-word unpacking spree and losing the few remaining hapless readers who followed me to this point. I’ll try to remain brief.

Sasha argues that unlike Hillary Clinton, who did not pass comprehensive healthcare reform, Bernie Sanders was unable to pass comprehensive healthcare reform. What?

In another format:

1. Hillary Clinton is a doer, unlike Bernie Sanders
2. Hillary Clinton failed to pass healthcare reform
3. Hillary Clinton is thus a doer

Likewise:

1. I, Jesse Crall, am an unparalleled playboy.
2. I, Jesse Crall, approached acclaimed screen siren Rooney Mara at a Hollywood “scene bar” last month and asked her out. She said “Are you okay? You’re sweating heavily” before hurrying away.
3. I, Jesse Crall, am thus an unparalleled playboy.

All the same, it must have irked Sanders that this woman who had gained prominence as the wife of Bill Clinton rose so fast to be elected Senator from New York and then swiftly proceeded to get things done.

Sasha opts for another instance of “this woman” in a shrewd, and I mean SHREWD bit of weaseling. See, if Sasha uses a vaguely sexist expression to describe Hillary Clinton, her readers will ascribe said vaguely sexist expression to the lips of Bernie Sanders. Unless the reader boasts an IQ exceeding that of a Philippine tarsier (they’re pretty smart for haplorrhine primates but fall a few notches short of “lemur” on the species intelligence scale). Imagine me writing an article in which I opt for a kind of free indirect discourse to make it seem like Hillary Clinton thinks of Bernie Sanders as “this Jew.” Wouldn’t that just captivate the left-wing blogosphere?

She was only in the Senate for two terms, but she accomplished more in that time than Sanders had done during twice as many years in D.C.

Like what?

He would claim that’s because she’s “establishment” — he’d say they’re all establishment, everyone but him. Yes, they are. That’s our government. That’s how it was designed in the Constitution. Three branches, very much established.

Like what, Sasha? What did Hillary Clinton accomplish in the senate? Sasha? SASHA?

You can lay blame or credit for solidifying that establishment on FDR, who was as establishment as they come. (You, Senator Sanders, are no FDR).

SASHAAAAAAAAA???!!!!

After 8 years of GOP obstructionism, the stage was set. “Run Bernie Run!” The [sic] far-left progressives said, since they felt no shame or culpability in turning their back on President Obama when the going got tough. They were happy and content to blame him. He wasn’t progressive ENOUGH. But Bernie WAS.

If you’re a fan of President Obama, I can see how Bernie’s criticism of his agenda and overall legacy could upset you. Hillary Clinton’s been a tremendous supporter of Barack Obama, except for that brief period of time when she sorta ran against him for the presidency. But that primary wasn’t heated or competitive or ugly or anything.

Bernie would do what Obama couldn’t. He could somehow force the Republican Congress to pass single-payer health care because Obama couldn’t. He could impose higher taxes on the other half of America who [sic] did not want more social programs. He could compel Wall Street speculators to foot the bill for free college nationwide. He could dismantle America’s financial system to break up the big banks. Even though he has no earthly way to pull any of that off.

I’m going to have to make briefer comments on larger pieces of Stonerosity to save us all a lot of time. (My Stanford buddy just wrapped his car around a pole and I have to bail him out of the drunk tank in Atherton. Long drive ahead but I owe him for all that math he did.) Nothing about Hillary Clinton’s proposed agenda across the primary season proves any more palatable to a Republican-leaning or even split congress. And if the Democrats only ran candidates who appealed to some barely-existent American center, they would cease to exist on a national scale. I would argue that Hillary Clinton’s national prominence makes her agenda more popular to Americans as opposed to Hillary Clinton becoming popular with Americans because of her agenda. I could be right, could be wrong, but I am positive that herding a political party toward its most recognizable candidate is an abysmal (though unnervingly common) idea.

Like Trump, whose entire campaign has been based on four catch-phrase words: Make America Great Again, the Sanders campaign latched onto a few key terms that are easy to chant: Oligarchy, Billionaires, Wall Street, Goldman Sachs.

Yes, Bernie Sanders is exactly like Donald Trump because they’re the sort of rare political bird that offers slogans and buzz words to an electorate. Presidential candidates used to dump 300-page policy tomes from the sky. 147 people were killed during the famed “Dewey Drop” of 1948. Ah, the halcyon days of presidential campaigning! Hillary Clinton keeps that spirit alive by revving up her supporters through interpretive movement based on the traditional line dances of the Lower Balkans. Slogans? Those are for orange racists and old Jews. Dance is where it’s at, kidz! #ImWithHer #LoveTrumpsHate #MakeAmericaWholeAgain #Kidz

He cleverly distinguished himself from Clinton and other Democrats by making them not Trump, the enemy. Essentially trying to equate Democrats with the GOP. In consequence, Hillary Clinton came to represent, to Bernie’s followers, all those things that he railed against — he did his best to depict her as the walking embodiment of everything wrong with America.

Weird “sic” by leaving out a comma between “them” and “not” followed by a fragment. Yeah, it’s grammar but I’m getting tired.

Because the Clinton campaign was taken aback by Bernie Sanders’ “artful smear” that quickly turned into a full-blown campaign of destruction, and because her long-term goal was party unity, she avoided branding Sanders with insidious words meant to injure. Her supporters would not stoop to the level of Trump supporters or, as it turned out, Bernie supporters to match insult for insult. Just as Trump has “Crooked Hillary,” Bernie stans have labels like $hillary or Hildebeast.

“$hillary” and “Hildebeast” actually refer to famed climber Edmund Hillary’s endorsement deals with Patagonia which continue to rub the outdoorsmen community the wrong way. Everest used to be about the thrill of ascent, man. Now it’s all about corporate branding. Damn.

As for the “Her supporters would not stoop to the level of etc…” line, uh…look, I can go onto Twitter or to comment boards or to opinion pieces and dredge up thousands, maybe millions of instances in which Hillary Clinton supporters got a little salty with their language. I could. I could. Or you can ask yourself which is more believable:

A) Hillary Clinton supporters are UNIVERSALLY as sweet and diplomatic as your average Richard Jenkins character

OR

B) Of Hillary Clinton’s admittedly enviable number of supporters, some behave in manners arguably condescending, rude, ignorant, racist, classist, obnoxious, dopey, generally shitty or some combination of all those like LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE LARGE COLLECTION OF PEOPLE FOLLOWING ANY KIND OF CANDIDATE ACROSS AMERICAN, NAY, WORLD HISTORY.

Presenting Hillary Clinton’s supporters as little Stillwell Angels marks a laughable leap in logic. Stoner obviously ate a bad shrimp earlier. Shutters is usually very good but I can’t blame this dismal insight on anything other than a food-related illness or some kind of rare brain parasite.

As of now, the only thing that really separates your average Bernie supporter from your average Trump supporter is one word: Benghazi. Trump supporters, as far as I can tell, are the only ones who still resort to that slander. Where once a fake scandal like the email investigation would remain the purview of the right-wing attack machine, it is now fair game in Bernie’s “anything to win” campaign.

But I, I thought…I thought Hillary could work with everyone? (NOTE: I’m not knocking Clinton here. Trump supporters who harp on Benghazi are idiots. But Sasha just contradicted her earlier claim that Hillary’s some kind of bipartisan wizard. Donald Trump-types *shudder* exist as voting bodies and within legislative branches. Our next president — Clinton-Trump-Sanders-The Withered Corpse of Nelson Rockefeller-Whoever — will have to deal with them.)

Though tensions might have run high in 2008, as poll numbers show us, neither Hillary Clinton nor Barack Obama ever engaged in such sloppy, cruel, abusive and destructive “anything to win” tactics. They both maintained a level of dignity and civility — a nicety Sanders has conveniently abandoned in the cry for “revolution.”

Name me one thing Sanders did that’s abusive or cruel.

Though it will take some time for his most rabid supporters to be deprogrammed, what will finally stand as the biggest stain on the Sanders legacy is the way he directly tried to undermine Clinton on the same day she went after Donald Trump most forcefully — in what will certainly be remembered not only as her best speech to date, but probably among the best political speeches ever given.

Or move on sans evidence per your usual custom. (Notice how I regularly back up my assertions with links to reputable journalistic sources instead of bloviating wildly in whatever fashion bests suits my predetermined narrative. No wonder Sasha earns a mere…sigh… “low six figures” a year (hey, another link!).

You see, for Bernie, it’s still all about Bernie. It’s still about a god’s rise. He can’t accept Hillary’s rise and triumph — even if his denial risks the fate of the country. Has any politician in recent memory ever abandoned so much to achieve so little?

Hillary Clinton: Voted for the Iraq War. Achieved the Iraq War

Bernie Sanders: Ran for president. Achieved Sasha Stone’s enmity

Point: Hillary Clinton (I own stock in 3 different armament manufacturers)

The old Bernie many of us once respected is gone. He doesn’t exist anymore and maybe he never did. After all, in the end, men are men. White male rage has been awakened on both the right and the left — it is erect, it is engorged, and it is now seeking release.

Eww. Well, they don’t call her Sasha Subtle for nothing. And to conclude on a less phallic note, here’s a fun little comment our gal Sasha made on Hollywood-Elsewhere a full five months ago!

Aaaaand…THERE’S the patented charm and gentility for which Hillary Clinton supporters are known throughout the land!

*bashes head into countertop, collapses, dreams of Rooney Mara and a shrimp wizard*