The Number One Intimacy Killer (And How To Overcome It)
I’d like to take this opportunity to talk about something that makes a lot of people uncomfortable, especially those in relationships.
And to start things off, here’s a question from one of my readers:
Hi _____________,
I need help! My sex drive is quite high, but my husband just isn’t feeling it like he did before.
Is it unrealistic for me to think that we can revive our sex lives and enjoy the same level of passion as in the beginning?
Or is this how relationships go? Am I doomed to “taking matters into my own hands” when I’m feeling it and he’s not? (If you catch my drift…)
Any advice would be great.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Frustrated
MY RESPONSE:
Well, to be honest, this email struck a nerve because I know that a lot of other couples are dealing with a dead-end bedroom situation, too.
I do wish you had given me a few more details so I could provide a better response.
But I’m guessing you’re a private person (hence the brevity), so that’s fine.
In any case, I’ll try my best, so here goes…
A friend of mine — whom I’ll call Cindy in the interest of anonymity — used to be stuck in the same rut as you.
Cindy didn’t just struggle with infrequent sex; she struggled with it in all her relationships.
Here’s the cycle she fell into (and this might sound familiar):
- Cindy meets a new person, falls in love, and wild, passionate sex ensues.
- Months (or years!) go by.
- Feelings of romance fade, and the humdrum of everyday life settles in.
- The well of intimacy and passion eventually runs dry.
- The relationship crumbles, and they break up.
- She meets a new guy.
- Lather, rinse, repeat…
By the time I met her, she was desperate to the point of tears.
She told me, “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong… Every time I find someone new, the same thing happens. I can’t take it anymore!”
So, I helped out Cindy by sharing something incredible that turned things around for her.
It helped her make a mindset shift that allowed her to change the dynamic of her relationship.
…and in the process, it restored the passion and intimacy that she craved like a lost wanderer searching the desert for water.
And did it quench her thirst completely?
“I don’t know what happened,” said Cindy, “but for the first time in forever, I don’t have to throw myself at my partner and practically beg him for some quality ‘we time’!”
She added:
“I’ve never felt more ALIVE and DESIRABLE… I haven’t felt this way in years! And the best part is that those romantic feelings we used to have are back in a big way!”
Then Cindy shared a few more details about her (and her partner) that I’d rather not repeat here if you know what I mean.
How to Stop the Slow Death of Intimacy in a Relationship
So, you’re probably thinking, “What does Cindy’s story have to do with me?”
And more importantly, you might be wondering what I shared with her that was so game-changing.
…that it practically set her bedsheets on fire.
Now, before we get into that, I need to get something important out of the way.
…namely, the biggest reason why sex often goes downhill in a relationship.
This is something that a lot of couples aren’t aware of, and it’s killing their sex lives right under their noses.
Ready?
Ok, so you might be having problems in the bedroom because you’re…
…wait for it…
too connected to each other.
See, conventional advice tells us that the closer a couple is to each other, the better their sex life will be.
And every other relationship ‘guru’ or ‘expert’ out there preaches about sharing every little detail with your partner.
On the surface, it makes sense.
When you know all there is to know about each other and understand what makes your partner tick,
…then that makes you want to rip each other’s clothes off, right?
Sadly, this is most definitely not the case.
So here’s the harsh truth that I shared with Cindy:
When there’s no shred of mystery between you…
…and you’re so “connected” that you’ve become boring clones of each other…
…then it inevitably suffocates sexual desire in the process.
Don’t get me wrong — being close to your partner is a good thing.
…but not to the point where the relationship becomes a claustrophobic chamber that snuffs out the flames of passion and intimacy.
Jack Morin, the author of “The Erotic Mind” (which is a fantastic read for anyone struggling in the sex department, by the way), strongly believes that too much closeness is anything but an intimacy booster.
Here’s another truth I shared with Cindy:
The reason why sex is amazing in a new relationship is because the humdrum and routine of everyday life haven’t settled in yet (as I pointed out in Cindy’s case).
It’s sort of like having a new car.
At first, you’re psyched to drive it daily, and you even love that “new car smell” (you know what I’m talking about).
(Weird analogy, I know, but stay with me.)
But eventually, the gleam fades away.
…and that fresh, shiny appeal takes a backseat to a feeling of familiarity (i.e., too much closeness).
Do you see where I’m going with this?
And that raises a crucial question: Is there a way to recapture that “shiny appeal” in your relationship?
Could you change the dynamic of your relationship so that it opens the floodgates of overflowing love, passion, and unbridled lust for each other?
Is there a way to break through the mundane routine of everyday life and recapture the early stages of romance?
Can you save your sexual life from taking a nosedive no matter how long you’ve been together?
The short answer is yes. Oh, yes.
And to do that, here’s what I told Cindy to do: give the relationship room to breathe.
Think of it this way: It’s impossible to ignite a flame without enough oxygen.
That’s just the law of nature at work.
But how do you give your relationship that precious “breathing room”?
Simple: Stop sharing absolutely everything with your partner.
As I said, if there’s no longer any mystery between you two, that desire simply cannot grow.
And you are not meant to be clones of each other or finish each other’s sentences.
…because, quite frankly, that would be creepy and deeply unromantic.
Remember, you are an individual with your own interests, hobbies, and passions.
You shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed for allowing some space for mystery between you two.
Now, this isn’t the same as leading a double life or straight-up lying to your partner.
What I mean is that your partner doesn’t have to know every little thing you do or what happens to you.
He doesn’t need to know your itinerary, nor should you check in with him multiple times throughout the day.
So, go out and pursue the things you love.
Take back your unique identity and be your own person.
…and spend time with other people that help you grow in a different way, which is outside of your relationship.
For some couples, this might sound terrifying.
The thought of not being connected at the hip seems like a frighteningly alien concept.
…but in the long run, this will help create a healthy amount of mystery, as I pointed out.
But how do you do this without creating too much emotional distance and causing you to drift apart?
How do you maintain your unique identity and still make your partner feel crazy about you?
…and keep that intimate connection between you strong and healthy?
And that brings us to the other thing I shared with Cindy…
…which I believe 100% will help YOU (and anyone else struggling with intimacy issues) …
It’s a simple but immensely powerful “mindset makeover” that radically transformed her relationship.
It helped her change the way she dealt with her partner, and vice versa.
This transformation allowed her to reintroduce all the habits, routines, and beliefs that made her relationship so romantic.
And it inevitably kicked off an avalanche of wild, passionate lovemaking that flooded them both.
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