How To Become The Most Charming Person You Know
Charming Social Secrets From The Front Line
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When I started freelancing I had a dream of taking my father out of the country every year. I wanted to say ‘Thank You’ for being a good father. He never had a chance to travel and loved the idea. However, I didn’t see how I could afford it. Going out of country every year would be expensive.
Then I realized the potential for earning online. I saw how I could make enough money to not only take my father out of the country every year (last year Rome, this year Iceland) but also replace my income, quit my current business, and triple my yearly salary.
I knew I would have to work hard to make money online. But I also knew I would need more than hard work. I would need something that open doors for me, get me introduced to the right people, and have people lining up to work with me. I knew I had to be charming.
The Art of Charm
Charm is a social lubricant. From Casanova to Ocean’s Eleven we see time and again that the world runs smoother with charm. Charm is a simple practice that gets massive results. It can get people to buy you drinks, hold open doors, and introduce you to their inner circle.
Today’s post will teach you three tips to cultivate charm, get influencers to introduce you to their inner circle, and teach you how to unlock the deeper game being played around you.
Before we dive in let’s explore the biggest secret charming people don’t want you to know.
The Big Secret Charming People Don’t Want You To Know
Anyone can be charming.
Charm isn’t like height or hair color. Charm is a social skill you cultivate. Charm is the copywriting of the social world. Using language (both body and spoken) you create interest in yourself.
“I don’t care what other people think about me. If they like me it’ll be for me!”
Stupid. So stupid.
Charm isn’t about tricking people into liking you by pretending to be a certain way. Charm is about communication. Charm is the social way of ‘taking away reasons to say no’.
Here are two examples:
1)How to properly respond to someone thanking you for help:
When we help people they respond in kind saying, ‘Thank you for your help.’ We respond saying, ‘It was nothing.’ Or, ‘Don’t worry about it.’ To which the person then has to respond again re-stating, ‘No. Really. I appreciate the help.’
This isn’t charming. This is uncomfortable. The charming way to handle this is like this,
‘Thank you so much for your help.’
‘Your welcome. I’m glad I could help.’
Notice the difference? You acknowledge their gratitude and validate it. Charm is about validating people.
2)The truth behind what actually gets you booked:
Most freelancers make the same mistake when writing a proposal or CV. They try to use the CV or proposal as a way to get a client to book you. Rarely will a client book a freelancer off a proposal or CV.
It’s true. Client’s don’t book you off proposals. Clients book you based on your interview. The purpose of your CV or proposal is to charm the client into responding to you. You do this by:
*Supplying social proof
*Explaining how you can get the results they want
*And sharing related projects you completed
If you read my blog or are on my email list you know I share a little about my life but don’t usually dig into the details. That’s all going to change. In the next few months you are going to get to an insider’s peek into my story. To get started I want to share why I had to become charming.
My journey to learn the art of charm started when I was twelve years old. I was a chubby little dude with tons of energy. I had a few friends but a lot of people didn’t like me. It was my fault.
I wanted to be a magician and constantly tried to show people tricks.This was not good for my social standing!
*I was a weird chubby loner
*I constantly fiddled with cards
*I ignored people who talked to me so I could practice tricks
*And when I wasn’t practicing I parked my fat ass in front of my favorite video game
I was a wreck.
Then something happened that changed everything. I saw a book in the library. It was written by a guy named Aye Jay. It was called, ‘The Art of Schmoozing’. The title caught my eye so I picked it up.
This changed my life. I know that sounds dramatic but I guarantee you that picking up that book was the single most important choice I made for myself up to that point. Why?
That book changed my life. It showed me that I was being selfish. I was a selfish person who was only interested in getting the results I wanted. I was a selfish magician because I didn’t realize the whole purpose of magic was to entertain.
From there things accelerated. People started talking with me and noticed I had changed.
Suddenly I was more interesting, people liked having me around. I liked this feeling and looked for other books like this. That’s how I ended reading Dale Carnegie’s book. That led me to and a lifelong fascination with cultivating charm.
So how do you go about becoming more charming? Simple. You need to master the three rules of charm.
The 3 Rules of Charm
Rule 1:Observe Social Patterns
Social situations are limited. Socially anxious people don’t realize this and that is the base of their anxiety. They see social situations as scary non-defined places where anything can happen. The truth is social situations are not random nor infinite.
I realized this when I started performing for a living. I would go from group to group performing magic at an event and as I did I realized that people responded mostly the same way. By changing how I introduced myself to a group, the tone of my voice, and how I stood I could make even the most disinterested party excited to see me perform.
Another example would be a client interview. Clients choose to interview you so they can get a ‘feel’ for you as a person. Your proposal charmed them to want to know more. The interview is where you charm them to ease their anxiety at hiring someone they don’t know.
Interviewers will always hire someone more relaxed than everyone else. Why? Because of one simple psychological hack.
We correlate relaxation with confidence.
Clients assume a freelancer is relaxed because they know what the client wants and how to deliver it.
Pro-Tip:You can cultivate this confidence and relaxation for any interview by going into the talk prepared. I prepare for interviews by having three questions to ask the client about the project along with two examples of previous projects I done that match their needs.
Preparing is an easy way to anticipate a client’s questions, figure out where they might be adverse to hiring you, and delivering that information to them before they think to ask it.
Takeaway:Observe patterns to develop confidence. Confident people are charming people.
Rule 2:Focus On The Other Person
People are their own favorite subject. When talking with someone, either online or in person, focus on them.
This tip is ripped whole cloth from ‘How To Win Friends and Influence People’.
‘But I listen to people all day.’ You complain.
You are wrong. You hear people all day, but you don’t listen. Look people don’t just want someone to listen. They can find that anywhere. People want someone who expresses interest.
What if the person or project isn’t interesting?
Don’t worry. You don’t have to express interest in what the person is talking about. You can express interest in the reason behind what motivates them to want to have that experience or get that result.
Is writing sales emails for industrial products interesting? No. Do I find the process the person hiring me has gone through to get here interesting and the reason why they chose to sell this product interesting? Yes.
You can always find something to connect with in other people.
Don’t Skip This Step:
Connecting with people is the first step to developing relationships that work for you when you aren’t there. Some of the best introductions I have gotten from clients came from projects so boring my teeth ached.
Don’t confuse the present moment for all moments. Just because the thing you are covering isn’t interesting doesn’t mean the person is. Dig into the situation, find the interest, and validate.
Takeaway:Expressing sincere interest develops relationships that help you skip the line.
Rule 3)Be Of Service
This one will seem unusual but it is huge.
Remember earlier when I explained the proper way to follow up with someone thanking you for your help?
This is a powerful principle. You want to acknowledge your help in a way that makes the person know you were glad to be of service. Charming people are of service to others.
Example:When I interview with clients and they see that I am interested in their project (see step 2) they open up to me about their project.
Clients tell me about their issues, problems, and concerns. If the client mentions something I have experience in, have ideas on, or know someone who can help, I chime in.
No I’m not trying to increase my contract size. I am focused on being of service to a client.
Quick Note:The easiest way to go above and beyond for a client is to charge more. Most freelancers don’t charge enough. When a client needs something extra or wants to talk the freelancer is nervous. They know it will cost them more time, of which they aren’t getting paid enough for already.
By charging a premium you feel comfortable providing premium service.
Most times I can offer insight, notes, articles, or perspective to a client that helps them. And I do it for free. Why? Because I know I have so much value to give that helping the client only increases my standing in their eyes.
Think about it. Who is the client going to hire three months from now? The freelancer who was thirty dollars an hour cheaper than the other guy or the freelancer who spent cost 2X more than the cheap guy but spent an extra hour making sure everything you needed was in place and they also connected you with a great reference?
The answer is easy! Number two will always win!
The path to being charming is easy to start but hard to stay on. The key to remaining charming is to put aside distractions. Attention is a commodity and the most charming people give it in uninterrupted sequences. Attention demonstrates value.
Demonstrate the value you have for others and watch as your charm grows.
Follow my three steps and develop your skills. If followed correctly you will see immediate results in your personal and professional life.
Originally published at livegoldrich.com on June 9, 2017.