Ive been pondering a lot lately.. the wars that begin & end in my head are exhausting. During these wars I find myself struggling, trying to decide wether or not to allow myself the room to feel some type of way. It’s almost as though the issue isn’t even the issue at all, it’s how I feel about it & whether or not it’s okay for me to feel that way about it at all.
Ive often heard the saying “it’s okay to be selfish sometimes, you have to do what’s best for you”. I’d like to believe that there’s an easy way to do that because in my experience that never works out. So even when I have the right to kick & scream because I’m hurting.. even then, I’ve felt the need to seek permission to feel, to cry… & then to breathe again.
Ive learned that not all days are filled with sunshine. Some days it’s about giving up on the idea that life is controllable. Silly me for thinking I can do it all on my own strength, I surely cannot. It is because I have a God that loves me, that I can still kick & scream, cry myself to sleep, & wake up with new mercies, everlasting grace, & a renewed heart.
So if you’re like me, & you’re feeling a bit broken, know that you’re not alone. I’m a mess, a completely uncontrollable mess, but I’m also fearfully & wonderfully made, just as you are too. Let yourself shamelessly feel, all of it, in waves, or all at once.