It’s okay to be the one that loves the most

(It’s a long one, stay with me)

It’s terrifying, realizing that you’ve allowed another human being to see you at your most vulnerable, raw, naked self; so much that they have the power to break you, to see you for all that you are & all that you aren’t. To know that at any moment they could just leave you, helpless & alone.

Love is never simple, it’s painful actually. Not necessarily because someone hurts you, I mean they will hurt you, that’s for sure, it comes with being human. But when I say painful, I’m saying that it’s something you have to will yourself into doing. It’s a choice you make, in the good days, bad days, & most importantly, in the ugliest of days. Like a flower growing through the sidewalk crack, I would like to believe that a flower would rather thrive in a garden, but even though a garden isn’t where it was placed, it still flourishes. I guess what I’m trying to say with that metaphor is that love should thrive in all places & at all times. It’s what makes it rare & it’s what makes it painfully beautiful.

Most importantly love is not possible without the creature of love. The way I see it, we don’t even come slightly close to loving, the way He loved us. But we try, & we fail, & we try again. Because love is not something to get right, it’s something to consistently, selflessly, & humbly do. Without expectation, without recognition. We love because He first loves us, & Ive lost sight of that…

When it comes to living in this crooked world & it’s many definitions of love. You have to want to spend the rest of your life with yourself first. When you pick a person, you must value their friendship far more than romance, temporary feelings, or possible disagreements. Because when all of it fades, when all of it changes, you’re going to need your best friend, & that’s who’s going to stick with you & fight the good fight that comes with life.

I’m a person who desperately holds onto the things I value & emotionally invest myself into. When change threatens any of those things, I hold on even tighter hoping that I could keep it all just the same, or fix it in some type of way. But all that it’s gotten me is nights of crying myself to sleep, accompanied by fear, & then, more fear. Like Ive said, I’m a mess. So Ive been asking God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can & wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardships as a pathway to peace, & knowing that He will make all things right as long as I entrust everything to him.

Ive failed to love fearlessly, & Ive put some things back on the shelf to catch dust, something I promised myself I wouldn’t do. But here we are, I’m picking up my treasures, dusting them off & choosing joy… choosing LOVE.