“Ive been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you…”
Lately Ive been looking for the lovely in me. I’m still searching, but Ive found a few things that have gotten me closer. Let’s just say I had to find the not so lovely things first.
Like I mentioned in my previous post, I desperately hold on to things out of fear that they will change, or for fear of their absence. But Ive learned that it’s simply a sad & miserable way to live.
A big chunck of finding the lovely in me has been about me knowing that the lies that whisper I am too loud, or too quiet, too fat, or too simple, too much, or not enough; it’s knowing that they are in fact, just lies.
Ive been afraid of being so transparent just as much as Ive hated the uncontrollable desire I have to be wanted, needed, & understood. To fix everything that feels broken, including myself…
According to my “Psychology Behind Teamwork” textbook, I am a problem solver, which isn’t a bad thing, but when you mix it up with my other uncontrollable desire to have everything under control, it gets ugly.
It’s funny because I read a phrase on a friend’s Instagram bio, which said “on one hand, so what & on the other hand, who cares” I literally laughed out loud, because that’s what I should be telling myself 99.9% of the time. I guess it’s just one extreme or the other with me. I either invest everything into something or I choose not to whatsoever. Finding a place in between has been the challenge, finding a balance.
I build sand castles around the things I love & the people I love. Lately Ive been building a castle around someone I cherish wholeheartedly & love so very deeply. Its unlike any castle Ive ever built before. The thought of that castle crumbling down terrifies me to my very core… but just this morning I was reminded that the sun will always set, the tide will always rise, & it will in fact wash away the castles Ive built. But here’s what I had been missing- the castle may wash away, but who & what I build these castles around, that will always remain.
If anything, it’s new opportunities to build bigger & stronger sand castles. To reinvent the definition of what lovely looks like. To be free, to be BRAVE, oh how Ive missed being brave… To carry grace with me everywhere I go, & to speak love to everyone I know. THAT, is what Ive been looking for, that is what lovely looks like to me, right here, right now.