Every couple’s journey into ethical non-monogamy is different. This is ours.

Feb 2024

My partner and I got together in 2014, and married in 2017.

I had a frivolous time in my early twenties, while he waited to have sex in marriage.

He has always ticked all of the proverbial boxes in terms of what I dreamt of having in a partner, except one which was sexual attraction.

We were both raised Christian (I have been hurt over the years by Christians and the church) so at the time I felt this missing element between him and I was not serious enough to justify not pursuing a relationship.

And so began our relationship – best friends and partners in life. My confidant in everything. The very safe, and healthy choice to build a life.

But our lack of sexual chemistry wreaked havoc very early on –

He felt cheated by the Church for waiting.

I felt guilty for not feeling excited.

Lots of therapy and talking and crying later – our only conclusion was that something was wrong with me. That it was my fault. I began to wander that I was actually asexual.

2023 came around where it felt like we were losing our respective identities in the grind of kids, and work, and domestic chores.

In December of 2023, I reconnected with my poly friends, two people who had been dating for years. I had lost touch with them 7 years earlier due to the conflict of our beliefs. I was in the midst of planning a chapel wedding and the white picket fence thing, and they were sleeping with people who weren’t one another.

I somehow ended up at a kink themed birthday party forone of them which was…

…now, this is going to sound cheesy…

life changing.

Coming from such a cookie cutter life, I was suddenly exposed to an environment where everyone around me was comfortable in their own skin – free to express themselves without judgment, and so very accepting of one another and themselves.

I was in awe.

Suddenly, all my self-deprecating thoughts of what I looked like, how I felt blah blah, seemed possible to overcome – if I was just surrounded be people like this more regularly.

After coming home and sharing my experience with my husband, we began talking about opening our relationship – so that he could feel free to also experience what I did – but also actively participate in some way to “get back” some of the years he had missed while feeling like he wasn’t allowed to experiment. We assumed that he was likely going to have an affair in the long run anyway, so why not instead find a way to go about things ethically, and kindly with one another?

And so began this part of our journey.

What’s been amazing and totally unexpected is that our sex life has turned around.

Somehow, the need to improve our communication in this process has resulted in us becoming a lot closer.

Turns out I’m not asexual at all 😛

I just needed to get out of my head in a big way.

He has been on a few dates and has had a few experiences – he has quality over quantity and has met some lovely, wholesome women.

Sadly though, I have been repeatedly hurt. Most single guys who label themselves as poly or ENM really just use it as an excuse to sleep around and lie about it.

I have been learning a lot about myself on how to how to respect myself and hold my boundaries. The learning is daily, and life altering. It’s tiring, beautiful, painful, colourful, wonderful, frightening… all at once.

I’m not ready to call it quits just yet 🫶