From Dysfunctional to Functional — Opening The Crack in the Shell of Denial to Deep Healing and Becoming an Adult

How abstaining from everything made me realize what was most important in my life

J
J
Sep 2, 2018 · 5 min read

Hi, My name is Jess. I lived in denial my whole life and didn’t know anything else existed. I was on a path of complete and total self destruction until one fateful day in November of 2016, a Divine Intervention made me pull over to the side of the road after a night of drinking and the thought entered into my head, “if I don’t stop drinking, I’m going to die within the next three years.

Well 21 months later, here’s where I’m at: I got myself into Alcoholics Anonymous (and Smart/Refuge Recovery) for both Alcohol and Drug Addiction issues — didn’t find a Rave Addict Anonymous group haha — but a few months ago I ended up hitting a wall in what my actual issue was. See, I just stopped thinking drinking was cool and no longer really obsessed about drinking. But I still had no control over my mind….so for the past three months I started my way to a 2 year vow of complete celibacy #monkmode in order to try to dig up more shit that was causing me paralyzing fear and out-of-control thoughts. A few weeks ago, I ended up blacking out while romantically fantasizing about some hot guy I met once (there’s my mental obsessive compulsive behavior latching onto something else) and was told to get into Codependents Anonymous [CODA] and Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous [SLAA]. Something still wasn’t right — I started doing death meditations and, well, as of two days ago, I got myself into Adult Child of Alcoholics [ACA].

Here’s the funny thing — If you read my post history, you’ll see that I self diagnosed myself as a Codependent and an Adult Child months ago, and still hadn’t done anything about it — seems to be my MO.

Well, happy to say that I am well on my way to being healed and it’s been fucking painful, but beautifully amazing. I’ve been able to start placing internal boundaries, getting in touch with my emotions (I have emotions?!), standing up for myself, saying no, not getting involved in drama that is not mine to bear, I started really taking care of myself, I started leaning on other people to help me, and just last night, I did doing some reparenting of my inner child and I gotta say, this shit is fucking dope. I am beginning to feel whole again, like I’m filled with true, loving warm hot chocolate.

There are a few things I’m still at a loss to say, like just today I didn’t say no right away when I knew in my gut I should have. This is good practice for later and a quaint reminder that I still have loads more work to do. I think my main problem is that I have difficulty finding the right words to say in the moment, but that is the best problem I’ve had in a long time.

On the up side — I am, with 100% confidence, able to say that I’ve stripped away most of the bullshit that I built my former life on, and am entering a new phase in my life where I am just awkward AF silly Jess who just happens to be talented in multiple arenas and also pretty damn hard on myself but need that motivation to keep going and exploring all of the areas of life I want to explore. I think, despite my flaws, I’m really liking who I’m becoming.

I got a lot more introverted when the partying went away (duh) and I figured out I really like to read and learn and just chill on benches and people watch. I don’t really like watching TV or movies (thought I may get into movies later on in my life when I’m older). I am happiest and at peace when I am in museums and walking in nature. I feel the most loved when I get to show up and be there for my friends and family. I am most elated and “up” when I am talking to someone who is really interested in philosophy and art and the meaning of life. I find entertainment in listening to IRL people who have interesting stories to tell and lives that they’ve lived (much more interesting than TV). I like feeling my emotions (even anger >( !), and overcoming the bad ones by learning how to be compassionate, something I never really was to myself. I know by having negative emotions I am processing an event that I didn’t particularly like, and I can grow by being aware of what that event was and what it was that I didn’t vibe with. Like a little dandelion, I like feeling my self-worth grow. I like not feeling guilty anymore. I like not being ashamed of my accomplishments. I like myself, every dark corner in my brain, every mistake I’ve ever made. I like them all, er, I’m learning how to like them all.

And if it weren’t for my drinking problem…

I don’t know if any of this would have happened.

I’m glad I was sober to experience this beautiful journey I’m on. The grass is getting greener and I am so, so grateful.

To those who want to change but are too scared to — the only difference that I ever made was that I learned how to be willing. I was willing to pull over to the side of the road, I was willing to listen to someone else, I was willing to try suggestions, I was willing to accept blame for my actions, I was the one willing to change. That’s the sign, I think, of adulthood.

The child-like selfish mentality that I had in my head was: “No one’s going to save me.”

No, everyone is going to save me. I just had to open up my eyes to realize the lessons the universe had been trying to teach me all along. We all depend on each other. The moment we all realize that, well, only time will tell.

Believe in it. We all have some growing up to do.

Have a restful evening,
~Jess

J

Written by

J

This is just a phase. So is the next one. And the next one.

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