[Personal] Undeserving, Guilty and Suicidal

Running away doesn’t solve problems

Author’s note: I wrote this about 6 hours ago. This is a word vomit diary dump of emotions of my ~feelings~ at the time, pretty unedited so don’t hate on me for my writing style and incoherentness. I reread this just now and I feel completely different. Moodswings are fucking awesome. (not.)

I’ve been trying to practice honesty, real honesty, at all times.

I generally write these articles for myself, to give myself advice when I’m clear headed so I know what to do or what to read when I start going insane. Some of these essays are my own diary entries, if you will, that I publish so anyone who feels alone and trapped can know they’re not alone, if only for a minute.

The funny thing is that when I’m mad, I’ll reread my entries to make myself feel better and then tell myself to shut the fuck up, that I don’t know what I’m talking about. But when I look at some of them 10 months later, I tell myself how keen and thoughtful I was. I’ve come to the conclusion that you can misinterpret text very easily depending on what mood you’re in (which is why face to face contact is so important). Also, I’m not that keen and thoughtful.

Here’s my truth:

I’m a runner. When I was younger, I ran away from my problems at home by leaving the house any chance I got. I ran away from reality by getting drunk because I didn’t want to lose my friends, even though I was a total straightedge. When I was in college, I got so addicted to partying and whatnot so the only relationships I really forged were around drinking; I’ve never bothered to tell anyone about my past. When I got into fights/arguments with people (especially in relationships), I would impulsively get tattoos; that was me getting back in control of my own self. When someone would piss me off, I’d leave and take a walk, and come back, say nothing and pretend like it didn’t happen. Have I ever been myself? I think I’ve only been someone who’s been trying to impress people so I wouldn’t be alone.

Here’s the reality: What I ended up doing was build a wall. Slowly but surely, brick by brick, a wall between my emotions and myself and another wall between me and the outside world, a wall of dishonesty.

What or who do I want to be? I don’t know, because I don’t think I know who I am. I thought I did, and I have ideas of who I used to be, I have ideas of who I could be, but I don’t know if it’s all fake. I don’t know if I have ever been happy sober. Sure there are glimpses, but I can’t recall what it feels like.

I am not trying to sound super teen-emo or anything, but, well, it’s all I’m currently capable of at the moment (guess this is what happens when you sweep a decade’s worth of emotions under the rug). I really don’t know if I understand the concept of love, because I’m not sure if I’ve only given it to expect to receive it.

A while back, a very close person of mine (and consequently not so close anymore, on their own behalf) told me that I have been nothing but selfish my entire life, and I took it to heart, so when I took an honest look back at my life, truly every single thing I’ve done was to benefit myself in some shape or form. Isn’t that part of being human?

I have been trying to justify my selfishness, but there’s nothing I can really put blame on. Sure, there are cause and effects to everything, but what are the effects that I’ve caused? Not sure.

I want to be selfless, but is it for my own ego? I want to help people, but is it just to make me feel better? I would like to see peace, but every time I stick my opinion out in the world, trying to be of service to others, I get kinda shat on, so I feel like it’s better for me to not say anything at all. The only way I can be real with anyone is if I put how I feel under a pseudonym (and in hopes of not sounding not genuine because I’m literally sitting here crying as I write this, I’m not trying to promote the silly brand. It is the example I like to use because you can literally see my mood based on what I post, especially in the last week. The posts are quotes I find or things I like to tell myself that makes me feel better at that moment, so I make a social post and share it with others, hoping to brighten someone’s day).

So I currently sit in this little paradox box, completely hopeless. Completely helpless, and then add in guilt that I’m not being productive or helpful because I just can’t sort this out.

I barely have a grasp of reality, I’m full of self-doubt, trying to make peace with everyone so my brain can stop talking, even solid friendships I’ve had I started questioning because I don’t know if every thing I’ve ever done was for my own benefit.

Cue the guilt. Cue the feelings of being undeserving of living. Cue the thoughts of why am I even trying to live if I’m not allowed to be selfish?

I’ve been trying to get my shit together for quite some time now, but every time I do any one thing for my benefit, I start asking myself, who is this really serving, here I go being egotistical again, trying to get my way, and I jump down the same rabbit hole.

I don’t want sympathy, it only encourages me to victimize myself. And I’m not here to be a victim, I’m here to get better.

I know I need money to survive, to make a little happy home, to relax, but how can I? If everything I’ve done has been selfish, how do I undo the very essence of being alive?

Where the fuck is my head at? Seriously. This is some mental bullshit.

Really, I just want someone to tell me that it’s okay to be selfish (as long as I’m not hurting anyone). Because right now, this uncertainty that my brain flipped on has hurt the one person who has shown me time and time the meaning of love, but I’m so lost with everything that I can’t help but feel like a lump of crap at every moment of the day, dragging the world down with me. I am the lost little girl, in the middle of nowhere, unable to ask for help because I’ve lost trust in my understanding of the world. The incredibly shitty irony of all of this is, in doing so, in questioning myself to try to get better, I have become the most selfish I ever have been.

I have to believe in something else. I have to believe that it’s okay to be here. To be myself. If not, then what left is there?

Is this rock bottom? Guess you can hit it twice, heh. The only direction I could go from here is up, I hope.

That’s it for today.

With love & ???? maybe not love,

Author’s note again: Seriously guys, I watched some motivational videos afterward and this made me feel better. Been cruisin’ pretty happy since then. We’ll see how long this lasts. :)