To a close. And an open letter to the cult I was a part of for 4+ years.

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”

– MAYA ANGELOU

Let’s talk about Antioch Community Church. In short, I would say that out of the five years I lived in Waco, I spent a majority of my time and energy becoming a part of the “community” at Antioch. Antioch was where I made some of my closest friends during college. And then it was where I lost a majority of those friends. It was a place where I both loved and hated myself to the very core. It was undoubtedly a place that changed the way I thought about myself and the world around me.

During this time my thoughts stopped becoming my own.

I can’t even begin to imagine the hours I spent at Antioch Community Church (ACC) in Waco, Texas. I probably spent more time in that place than I did in class (which would explain why it took me more than a minute to graduate). Shortly after coming to Baylor, I, like so many other newbie Baylor students was indoctrinated into ACC. How I ended up so deep in everything ACC is still a bit baffling to me. But I also try to keep in mind that when I started going there I was e i g h t e e n. So, when I was approached in variety of ways to go to ACC I eventually said yes. I had no idea that I would soon become one of many persuasive, consistent Antiocher’s who sought to “bring people into community”. Side note, if you haven’t noticed by now, I’ve yet to talk about their Christian-esque belief system. We’ll get there at some point. Throughout the years I spent at Antioch, I experienced some of my highest highs and lowest lows. Yes, I get that that sounds extremely clichè. And there may be a more eloquent way to say that, but I don’t really know what it is. Anyways, ACC gradually began to consume more and more of my life. I fully jumped into the community and culture of ACC and multiple times I “knew” I would never look back. Hah was I wrong. It really wasn’t long until I started speaking differently, acting differently, and ultimately thinking differently. The way I picked up the Antioch lingo seemed so normal at the time. And the only times it didn’t seem normal was when I would go home and see old friends from high school who just didn’t understand “what following Jesus looked like”. I started following both spoken and unspoken rules; I stopped cussing, drinking and even watching rated R movies. And these were still rules after you turned 21. I alsooo think cussing was one of the unspoken rules. Drinking and watching rated R movies were definitely not allowed though (to clarify, these specific rules applied to leaders so that they wouldn’t potentially cause their disciples to “stumble”). But moving on. As a sort of general overview, I went on multiple trips with ACC to share the Gospel with people; I helped lead a life group; and attended a majority of the services/events/meetings that ACC held. Like I said, I really was doing ACC things more than I was doing schoolwork. So, I was doing all these things with ACC, I was also a college student, aaand I was usually working 2–3ish jobs on the side. It’s shocking how I didn’t see the burnout coming. And let me just say, that burnout came more than once. And it was not pretty.

Back up to 2009. This was the year that I began to experience some of the symptoms that would later be used to diagnose me with major depression and anxiety. For a multitude of personal reasoning as well as a high potential of a lack of major neurotransmitters, I started to self harm. This was the coping skill that I latched onto. I didn’t realize how habit forming it would be and how much of an impact it would have on my life for so many years to come. I had the classic ups and downs of high school. I went to a few parties, studied for some tests, and forgot to do my homework on more than one occasion. On the outside, I’m pretty sure I seemed like just another normal high school teenage kid. Although, now that I’m sliiightly older, I think the idea of a “normal high school teenage kid” is pretty unheard of.

Fast forward. This is not the time to dive deep into my high school years. I’ve already done enough of that in many hours of therapy.

Remember when I was talking about coming to college and then soon becoming immersed in the ACC community? Well, I just want to touch on a few ways that they got me in, and a few things that led up to that happening. You see, ACC has a target audience that they prey upon. I happened to be a part of that target audience at the time I was coming to Baylor.

From the outside looking in, ACC college specifically, looks like a few things:

1. A fun, exuberant group of 18–21 year olds who are all really good friends and just “doin life together”.
2. People who are genuinely interested in the well-being and spiritual growth of others.
3. People who sincerely follow ACC’s mission statement: “A passion for Jesus and His purposes in the Earth.”

“Our passion and purpose has always been and will always be JESUS. The One who takes away our sins, binds up the broken hearted, gives hope to the hopeless, heals the sick and delivers the captive. The One who is LOVE.

We believe the church is the hope of the world, and want to see more of Jesus in our city, our nation and the nations. Practically, that means we are a local church with a global mission.”

-FROM THE “ABOUT” TAB ON ACC’S WEBSITE

So, those things sound pretty good, right? They sounded pretty dang good to me when I was a confused freshman looking for a place to fit in. Which leads me to the description of ACC’s target audience. So, first off, Antiocher’s will basically talk to every person they meet about Antioch. It doesn’t matter if you’re just serving them coffee at the local coffee shop or you’ve just been grouped together for a class assignment, Antioch will 100% come up at some point. But, throughout my time at Antioch, especially as a leader who’s main thought everyday was who I could start building a relationship with so that I could then start “secretly discipling” them and then eventually share the gospel with them, I was also taught what characteristics to look for in people to bring them into our community. We were taught to “look for the people on the fringes“, as well as those who “thought they were living a fulfilling life, while in reality they were so far from God that they were truly just a broken person in need of saving”. I think it might be more helpful in this situation to describe the person that I believed I was perceived as versus what was truly going on in my head as well as what I chose to disclose to a few friends. In general, I laugh a lot. And that hasn’t changed. I really just love to laugh and find a lot of things very entertaining. I’ve been told I’m a very positive person, and one who is generally pretty easy to talk to. I’ve also been told I’m super chill and that not much ever gets me too worked up/upset. Buut, the inner workings of my brain were a biiiit hidden from what people saw on the outside. The positivity that I so easily had with others was nonexistent when it came to anything about myself. I hated being alone because I just purely did not like to be around just me. I was constantly hyper aware of what I was saying and even wearing for the fear of people finding out that I secretly self harmed because the repercussions I imagined were far too tragic.

By the way, I know I’m talking in circles quite a bit. I’m trying to give as clear of a picture of the events that happened as possible, and with that I keep feeling like more backstory is needed. Thank you for your patience as I try to get all of this out of my brain.

I definitely haven’t written this piece all in one sitting, so a lot of times when I sit back down to write I come back with a different inkling of inspiration. And right now I feel like writing a letter.

Dear Antioch,

You had no right to do what you did to me. No right. Not only did you steal from me, brainwash me, and try to control me, but you had me do the same to others. You take and you take and you pretend like you’re giving back, but in all honesty, all you are is manipulative and deceitful. I know there are many who still believe in you and who are going to disagree with this letter, but I’m not talking to them right now. I’m talking to you, Antioch. I’m talking to your leaders that take advantage of their status and their position to gouge people of all that they have until they break. You can’t call me extreme and you can’t call me radical for saying these things. I have heard first hand stories of things such as, but definitely not limited to, sexual assault and gay conversion therapy. No, I am not without fault in this whole charade, Antioch. I perpetuated your beliefs for years. I blindly followed you, and I coerced others to do the same. I’ve lost any and all trust in church because of you. You make it painful every single week when I decide whether or not I’m going to attend a church that Sunday. I let you build my belief system, and I watched helplessly as it crumbled. I trusted you over and over again until I had no more trust to give. And not only did I trust you, I defended you. I defended you to my friends, family, therapist and psychiatrist. They tried to tell me things weren’t quite right with you. That I needed to take a closer, more open minded look at our relationship. But I staunchly stood my ground. I said you were good. I believed you helped me understand what it looked like to have a relationship with Jesus and to follow him. I defended you Antioch, too many times. I wish you could see the damage that you’re causing. I wish you knew how many people you’ve hurt and continue to hurt. I wish you knew each of our names. Most of all I wish you would disappear. But, sadly, I don’t see that happening. There are some things I do see happening though. I will move past this. I will learn to trust my own thoughts again. And I will be better off without you.

So.

Don’t call.

Don’t write.

And cut the shit and be real for once. God knows you never have been.

Sincerely,

Jess

I’m excited to say that I’ve leapt into 2019 not only feeling valued, but valuing myself. I hope you do the same.

And I’m proud to say that I am self harm free 426 days and counting.