Why I decided to spend New Year’s Eve alone
Everything I’ve learned in a year of self-study and why I’m choosing solitude and self-care to welcome 2024.
I’m 31 years old and after another failed relationship I’m back living with my parents. I’m working a relentless job that takes up most of my energy and I’m not yet familiar with work-life balance. Whilst my closest friends are getting engaged and having children, I’m third-wheeling my mum and her partner on Saturday night.
Heavily bound by a scarcity mindset, I fall prey to the narrative of never having enough time. Despite this perceived lack, I spend most of my existence wrapped up in my thoughts. Dwelling on the past and anticipating unfound happiness in the future. I catch glimpses of stillness and clarity in the present moment but get distracted easily and lose track.
Round and round the cycle continued to play out until I started to wake up.
Whilst lovingly tending to the pieces of my broken heart, I vowed to make purposeful changes in my life. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results; I was insane. Back at the drawing board, I searched for new tactics and redesigned the game plan.
Allured by the promise of self-study, I tentatively decided to look inward. I dedicated my time to reading books and listening to podcasts with people who claimed to have the answers to the questions I was asking. Their freedom and peace felt unreachable but with continued study, wise words began landing on my path, ushering me in the right direction.
In honour to free yourself from pain, you must first honour its existence — Michael Singer.
People only change when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change — Tony Robbins.
I noticed the discrete veil of distraction covering my pain was starting to wear thin. The ‘I’m fine’ rhetoric I had become so accustomed to, turned sour as I tasted the words disguised as truth and saw the fear behind the lie. At first, I didn’t know how to face my pain but at the very least a willingness to explore it was a step in the right direction. My tried and tested means for external validation were not providing any lasting fulfilment. The safety of rich experiences and deep relationships could only get me so far. True and lasting change would have to come from within. That was a hard pill to swallow.
It was becoming increasingly difficult to ignore the potential of meditation. I’d heard endless success stories but wasn’t convinced about the hype. My inner monologue of ‘I can’t meditate’ or ‘I’ve tried it and it’s not for me’ was keeping me stuck in the confines of my egoic mind. Nevertheless, I was desperate for change and so, through painstaking resistance, stuck with it. My meditation teacher spoke of meditation as the practice of getting to know yourself… I thought I already did.
Slowly and gradually (very slowly and gradually), I began noticing small incremental improvements. I commit just a few minutes each day and began building a habit. Like a muscle, the more I did it, the easier and less painful it got. I found droplets of peace in my meditation practice that started to spill out into other aspects of my life. The discomfort of sitting with myself started to ease and transmute into calmness and clarity. I’m 376 days in now and it’s become my top priority each day.
Along this journey of ‘getting to know myself’, I’ve found space from emotional reactivity and acceptance of the present reality. By quieting my internal chatter and sitting with myself long enough to hear what’s going on, I have been able to hear what I need and implement boundaries to honour those needs. I have started to enjoy my own company without the need for distraction or frenetic escapism. Instead of recklessly busying my calendar with socials and novel experiences, that were merely masking an inner emptiness, I leaned into discomfort and found comfort within.
Blindspots were illuminating left, right and centre. I saw the red flags of my serial monogamy as a cry to escape loneliness. Relationships were my comfort zone. If I could rely on love to be given to me by someone else, I could escape any darkness. It hadn’t dawned on me that the love I craved was from the self. I couldn’t love anyone else or even open my heart to love until I loved myself. So, disciplined to find love within, I withdrew from courtship and braved it alone. Fully enticed by the potential of self-study as a conduit to relinquish my suffering and bring peace. Once I gained the awareness, surprisingly, I found my rhythm with ease. Surfing on the waves of my own existence and in doing so, deepening my bonds with friends, family and the external world.
Until my next hurdle… New Year’s Eve.
Having spent most of my adult life in a relationship, I’ve been comforted by a partner with whom I can revel in the excitement of our shared hopes and dreams for the year ahead. I’ve had a sure thing lined up for a midnight kiss, reaffirming my worthiness and value. For the last few years, I have been blissfully at home with my partner, ready for a feast of M&S finest. When you’re in a relationship, it’s perfectly acceptable to stay at home in your pyjamas. This year, flying solo, I’ve practically felt myself recoil into shame when posed the dreaded question about my NYE plans. Craving a socially acceptable activity that demonstrates an appropriate amount of fun and sophistication, I felt my anxiety levels rising. Grasping at single friend lists with whom to make exciting plans. Knowing full well my closest friends would be blissfully unaware with their partners, feasting on their own M&S buffets. I began scrolling through over-priced ticketed events, mentally preparing for big crowds and long queues to get a drink in a lipstick-stained glass when I caught the moment. No. Not this time.
Contrary to societal norms, this year, I am spending it alone. Shame can come knocking another day. I intend to welcome the new year with the person who will be with me every second of the way. Whilst I am aware this pressurised holiday is a purely human construct, I am still seduced by the symbolism of a new year. Fresh starts and new beginnings. I will welcome it with open arms, grounded in myself and open to the realm of possibility, knowing I am exactly where I need to be. I will nourish my body and soul with yoga and breathwork. I will create stillness in my mind and meditate on my intentions. Intentions I have set for myself to honour my growth and develop my awareness. I will wake up fresh-faced on January 1st, brave the cold British waters and go for a swim. Kick off the year by achieving something hard and starting the year as I mean to go on. Spending NYE alone has become a choice. Once that happened, it became empowering.
I am alone but I am not lonely. I am single but I am whole. I am love.
It’s time we change the narrative.
At the start of the year, in the midst of my emotional upheaval, I went on a healing retreat looking for answers. Hopeless and directionless, I set my intention to open to life with vulnerability and acceptance. I asked for the courage to stand strong in myself — to be the oak tree in the hurricane. Perfectly imperfect. Living from the heart. This is my most vulnerable writing yet. There is no marketing screen or project brief to hide from. I am here. This is me. Committed to getting to know myself and growing in the process.
Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light — Brene Brown.
Happy New Year.
Intentions for 2024:
- Embrace presence. Drag yourself back to the present moment at every opportunity you get. The Now is all we really have.
- Cultivate discipline. Create habits that are going to help you become the person you want to be. Take care of your mind and body like it’s with you for the rest of your life.
- Take action. Your existence has purpose. Be bold. Be brave. Take the big steps, even if they’re little ones. Only when you are connected with your true self will you attract what you are truly in harmony with.
- Speak up. Find the answers you need and ask for clarity when you don’t understand. Stop second-guessing and writing the script for other people.
- Practice gratitude and surrender. Love is all there is.
