Working Mom’s Are Carrying The Load And Need More Support And Appreciation
A Look In The Mirror:
You don’t have to look far to see a co-worker, family member, or friend that is stressed about work or striving to find that “work-life balance.” In fact, all you may have to do is look in the mirror. Work stress has become one of the top three concerns in 2021 for all people according to Headspace for Work 2021 Mental Health Trends Report.
It’s More Than Just Stress:
As I researched this information to better understand stress in the workplace, it reminded me of what my life used to look like before my transformation in 2018 catalyzed by my gift wrapped in sandpaper. As a former workaholic, I can attest to living a life with stress, but for me it was even more than stress. I felt emotionally drained and burned-out. I started working from home when my oldest daughter was five months old, in 2013. In 2015, it hit me, I felt a lack of motivation and ability to focus, I had difficulty sleeping, I always seemed irritable and the smallest things could set me off, I was burned out.
Now, with many employees still working from home, in back-to-back meetings, endless actions, and deadlines, the lines between stress and burnout start to blur. Burnout is more than stress; it occurs when you feel overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. Emily and Amelia Nagoski wrote the book Burnout for women (or anyone) who has felt overwhelmed and exhausted by everything they have to do, yet still worried they weren’t doing “enough.” Yes, that is how I felt like there was too much to do and not enough time, and never any time for me. It was exhausting.
For me, as a working mom, it was more than just work stress. I felt like there was never a break, if I wasn’t doing something for work, I was doing something for the kids, or the home, or family. There was no break, and I seemed to be doing all the work myself even while married. This added an additional layer of struggle. I felt like I had to do it all on my own which came with feelings of anger, hatred, resentment, and rage. The only time I felt like I could ask for help was when I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t take it anymore.
We Are Not Alone:
I felt so alone in my struggle, like I was the only one who felt this way. I felt like I couldn’t do it all. I was guilt ridden, would easily lose my patience, and I wasn’t enjoying the activities with my kids. Then when I did ask for help, I typically heard, “well you let the kids stay up too late”, or “I already told them to get in the shower” or the famous “they don’t listen to me.” Research shows that mothers are more than three times as likely than fathers to be responsible for most of the housework and caregiving. It is no wonder we are so stress, overwhelmed, and overworked.
Apparently, how I felt, the struggles of burnout I faced, is how most American’s feel. In Mind the Workplace 2021 Mental Health Report nearly 83 percent of respondents felt emotionally drained from their work. With over 40 percent stating they strongly agreed with the statement “I feel emotional drained from my work.”
What I learned from research, coaching, and running workshops is so many women struggle with burnout in all areas of their lives. Many women feel the same way I did, and sometimes still do. In 2020, a full 97% of Millennial mothers (24–39) reported feeling burned out by motherhood at least some of the time per Motherly’s 2020 State of Motherhood Survey.
Signs of stress and burnout:
- Emotional Exhaustion includes both emotional symptoms (anxiety, irritability, feeling trapped, etc.) and physical symptoms (fatigue, headaches, etc.)
- Stomach problems are among the most common symptoms of stress and anxiety
- Emotional Numbness while on the surface it may not look so bad, inside it’s just too much
- Shoulder, neck, or back pain, general body aches and pains
- Stress and anxiety often lead to insomnia and sleep problems
- Stress can also cause changes in mood and increase irritability with those around us
What happens to employees who are stressed and burned-out? A few things…
- Disengagement: research shows when employee’s wellbeing is not supported, their employee engagement drops
- Reduced productivity and focus
- Employees overwork themselves at the expense of their own wellbeing impacting their physical health and driving up healthcare costs.
- Increased emotional stress adds a layer of complexity to relationships, projects, and deadlines.
- Retention Reduction: In fourth quarter 2020 23.1% of employees left work due to workload/stress
What can we do to help?
- As a company: There are many ways to help employees who feel stressed and burned-out. Offer employees parenting and homeschooling resources, mental health counseling, health services, personal well-being and enrichment programs, and bereavement counseling. Per the Headspace for Work 2021 Mental Health Trend Report: 5 Trends Shaping the state of employee mental health“Now is not the time to scale back” now is the time to support our employees.
- As a manager: Listen to your employees with compassion and empathy. Work to understand their unique situations and create flexible workspaces while support all the person. Ultimately, take care of yourself, and be the example for your employees.
- As a spouse/partner: Support your significant other, don’t wait to be asked or told to do something, even if you think you will do it “wrong.” Do your part. If you are doing things to help and your partner still seems stressed, be a compassionate listener, don’t try to fix the problem, no blame, and no shame, just listen.
A Message For The Moms:
If you are the stressed, overworked, overwhelmed, guilt-ridden mommy reading this article and need support for yourself know that while it may feel like there is no end in sight, life can be different. There are many things we can do for ourselves, self-care, taking time to blow off steam, talking with friends, working-out, talking with a mental health professional. However, I have been in your shoes and the last thing I need is for someone to tell me to do something I don’t have time for or give me a list that causes more stress and guilt, as to what I’m not doing. So, I will share with you what I believe to be one of the most empowering things we can do for ourselves, and that is to love yourself. To love yourself exactly as you are, without trying to fix anything, or change anything, or control anything. I say this like it is easy but I know it is not. I have been working on loving myself for three years and it is a process. Know this… You are doing amazing, look at everything you have accomplished, look at your children, really look at them, and know that you, the mommy who is doing it all, you, are doing your best, even when it may not seem like it. Love yourself for that.
