Seasonal Down In The Dumps (Merry F*cking Christmas)

It’s hard living in my body.

I suffer from severe anxiety and depression. I have found that unless people also suffer from these terrible pains in the ass, they don’t really understand what it’s like. It may not be a “big deal” to some, but for those who do deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis, it can be downright crippling. I am here to let you step into my world for a few paragraphs. Hopping on this roller coaster might not make sense to some, but this is what I deal with daily. So, if you don’t feel like trying to decipher what is about to come…Well…I wouldn’t blame you.

Here goes.

Wake up. Usually about an hour or so before alarm is supposed to go off. Lay in bed staring at the tapestry on my wall. Is that an elephant? How many faces are in this goddamn tapestry? When is my alarm going to go off? Check phone. Damnit, it’s only 5:43. Wait. Check phone again. 6:12. MotherFUCK. Annoying standard alarm tone chimes, just as I’ve gotten sleepy eyes again. Hit snooze. Five minutes later, hit snooze again. Do this until 6:45. Begrudgingly roll out of bed.

Change into clean clothes for work. Exit bedroom, go pee. I wonder how my day will be today. Will I feel sick at all? Say hello to cats. Put on coat, grab keys. Make sure wallet and cigarettes are in the pockets and phone is in hand. Make sure all lights are turned off as I exit apartment, lock door.

Drive. Get breakfast at McDonalds. Drive. Think about work. Drive. Think about what would happen if I crashed into this conveniently placed solitary pole. Shake head and cringe. Drive. Count down minutes until I’ll be at work. Show up at work a half hour early (every day) because being early is being on time, and being on time is being late. Being late is unacceptable.

Clock in at 8 after eating breakfast. Talk to boss about random things. Stomach starts to gurgle. Back and legs start to ache. Make some comment about how I feel like shit. Either put away things that arrived in our delivery, or sit there waiting for customers. Mind wandering the whole time. Stomach continues to gurgle. Nausea. Clammy hands. Pace back and forth repeatedly while waiting for customers. Feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. When will this end? I wish I was home. I wish I was home.

Run to Dunkin Donuts to get a hash brown and a coffee. Walk back to work and wait for my time to go home. Finally get to leave. Practically book it out of there and to my car. Drive.

Count down the minutes until I get home. Think about my day at work. Think about crashing into poles again. Think about how I can’t do that because my mom would have to pay off my credit card bill and I wouldn’t want to stiff her like that. Drive. TURN ON YOUR FUCKING BLINKER YOU GODDAMN SON OF A BITCH. Think about how I have barely any money to last me until my next paycheck. Think about paying my bills. Drive.

Get home. Put stuff down. Talk to cats. Sit on couch. Contemplate turning the TV on. Mostly just sit there staring at nothing and thinking. Maybe take a nap. Wish I felt like doing something. My stomach hurts. My back and legs hurt. Everything hurts. Why does everything hurt?

Play on my phone a little. Talk to some friends online. Try to keep myself occupied. Want to go do something but don’t feel like driving anywhere. Driving makes my skin crawl.

Do absolutely nothing until my mother comes home (unless I have chores to do). Watch TV with my mom. Eat whatever I can find for dinner. Watch more TV. She goes to bed around 7pm. Lately I’ve been going anywhere from 6pm-7:30pm.

Wake up and do it all over again.

That is just a typical work day in my life. Weekends are even more difficult for me because I literally don’t know what to do with myself. I feel guilty because my mom tries to get me to go out and do things with her, but I feel like I can’t. I feel like I’m a prisoner trapped in my own body. I would LOVE to go do things. Lunch. Shopping. I don’t give a shit what it is, I’d really enjoy doing those things with my mom. For some ungodly reason, I’m super-glued to myself and can’t get out of the hole I’ve been forced into by my brain.

The holidays are even more tough. This whole seasonal depression thing is no joke. I hate going to sleep at 6 pm. I feel like an old lady most of the time.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to go talk to my doctor. I’ve tried to make an appointment on several occasions, but for some awful reason, they put me on hold for over 10 minutes and I’m too impatient and anxious to wait (go figure). I will be successful though, because I can’t put it off any longer. I know that I need help. I know that this is no way to live.

I just wanted to give a little bit of insight to those who haven’t experienced any level of anxiety or depression. Not everyone with it is like this. This is just my personal experience. There are many more things that I am anxious about, but for now I’m just detailing my daily work routine.

I guess the point of this post is for those of you who don’t know what it’s like to have this problem. I want you to read this and understand how uncomfortable anxiety and depression are. I want you to take away some kind of new understanding from this. It isn’t something we can just turn on and off. I can’t just “calm down” when I’m in the middle of a panic attack. I can’t just “stop obsessing” over some task when it isn’t done to my standard.

So please, have a little sympathy for those of us dealing with anxiety and depression.

Oh, and Merry Fucking Christmas.

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