When Did I Lose Myself?

I’m sitting on my couch watching shitty television shows, eating Hershey’s with Almonds minis (they were supposed to be for trick-or-treaters), and knitting. There are tears crawling down my cheeks and hanging on my chin until I wipe them off. My mom is already in bed because she wakes up at 3 AM every morning to get ready for work. So here I sit, alone on my couch, counting every tick of the clock that keeps me awake at night.

Reflecting on the past year of my life has proven to be nothing but heartbreaking. Then again, reflecting on the last decade of my life is just the same. Time after time, I’ve gotten so wrapped up in men that somehow I have lost myself along the way. When did it happen? I’m at a loss. How do I get myself back? I’m at more of a loss.

I’m the same person that I was. I have just developed this bitterness that presents itself at the first sign of trouble. Sometimes, I let anger take hold of me. I let sadness envelope me. It feels like hands are grabbing at my ankles, trying to pull me somewhere I don’t want to go.

I don’t know where to go from here.