Battling My Perfectionism
Anxiety. Need of external affirmation. Analysis paralysis. Busyness. Obligation. Perfectionism. These things have kept me from doing what I enjoy for so long.
In fact, for so long I don’t even think I knew how to enjoy things. I remember as a 9 year old on the way to Disneyland worrying that I wouldn’t know how to enjoy the trip to the fullest. I remember being so frustrated and sad that I didn’t know how to live in the moment.
I remember of being terrified of not “getting it right” for so many things.
There are many reasons my thoughts and anxieties manifested in this way. Regardless, at 23, I want to turn it around. It needs to change.
From an early age I began to bite off way more than I could chew. As a result, I would either fail, or would exhaust myself trying to meet my own expectations. And I was so scared of failing. I’ve struggled to breathe, to get a hold on the situations my perfectionism so often places me.
It’s not a unique struggle; so many find themselves caught in this battle. And after all these years, I realize that the best antidote is to do the opposite of what I’ve been doing. To give myself opportunities to try to develop a skill incrementally, not overnight.
And so I’m gonna start writing. A few pieces, a few musings a week. With just a little bit of forethought, but not excruciatingly much. And I’m just gonna publish, publish, publish.
I’ll write pieces here on medium, and the pieces I want to polish more, I’ll put on my blog. Improving just a little bit at a time. To grow in humility. To grow in patience. To be able to look back and see the progress made slowly. To prove to myself that it’s possible to do a job well done, and enjoy it.