“How Are You” Isn’t a Question Anymore

Jessica Galfas
Aug 26, 2017 · 6 min read

“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

-Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

People have evolved language dating back to ancient times. In modern culture we conditioned ourselves to understand the words “how are you” to mean something other than the original definition. So now it can be difficult to find out how someone is by using those words.

It’s counter-intuitive, so you might not have ever thought about it. That’s the point though, “how are you” is not a saying we think about much.

Even “how are you” is an acceptable response to “how are you.” How can that be?

Kids wave hello in Tibubeneng, Bali

Those three words aren’t heard as a question so much as a statement. So it’s normal to reply with the exact same words that were just said to you.

When it is taken as a question, it’s rarely taken as an inquiry into someone’s mental or emotional state. I asked someone recently how they were and they responded with a list of activities they did over the weekend. I tried again, “no really, how are you?”

It’s a part of everyday life. It’s quick and it’s casual.

That’s not wrong or mean or uncaring — just don’t expect someone to give you a real response.

There are more thoughtful ways to check in on the people we care about.


As I process losing Mark, the man I planned to spend forever with, the question has been more difficult than ever for me to answer.

It’s too tough to respond with the casual “fine” or “doing better” I imagine my questioner hopes to hear. And it’s upsetting to me that I can’t give them what they want.

I imagine that the responses that come to my head when asked how I am might not make sense to most people now that I’m moving towards a radical acceptance of what is; nothing is good or bad anymore.

My thoughts certainly wouldn’t be what people are used to hearing. I’m not really in a “normal” state of mind. For me to explain myself would take more time than people are planning on listening.

I’m not “fine” and I’m not good at lying.

When I was asked “how are you?” immediately after Mark passed, I noticed that I would become very agitated. I could feel anger rise into my throat like a rock blocking my breath. My amygdala, the part of the brain associated with survival instincts, would light up and I felt like I needed to fight or run.

I got so mad at hearing what I thought was a ridiculous question that the most I could manage would be laughing. I didn’t know what else to do. There’s no way anyone really wanted to hear how sh*t-tastic I felt.

And I didn’t really want to tell them. After all, you give energy where you put your attention. So by talking about how you feel, you put energy there and enhance it. It’s one thing to acknowledge how you feel to yourself; it’s another thing to keep your attention on it by explaining it to someone else. This is what you’re asking someone to do when you say those three little words.

Asking what’s going on inside someone is a request for intimacy. I didn’t feel like that was being acknowledged.

There wasn’t enough tissue in the world to dry up my tears. I would take a shower just to cry and let the water wash it away. You’d think catching someone fresh out of the shower might be a safe time to check in, but you just don’t know what’s going on with someone at any given moment.


I knew people meant well though, so I didn’t defensively attack them on what felt like getting punched in the heart. I realized that people wanted to say something, anything to break their discomfort in proximity to my pain. Maybe they even realized how helpless they were to me since no one can go back in time to change what happened. So they spit something out and there it was.

That’s part of why I began travelling, so that I could allow myself to grieve and feel everything I was feeling in it’s totality, without making someone around me feel more uncomfortable than they already were.

My loved ones don’t like seeing me in pain. That only made it harder.

It may seem ironic but knowing that it hurt them made it harder for me to allow myself to experience and accept my emotions. It sparked an urge to suppress my pain to protect them from it.

Accepting your experience is one of the best ways to progress in grief. For me it got to a point where stepping away from loved ones was something I chose to help me acknowledge and allow what I felt, when I felt it.

Now when someone asks me how I am, if I respond at all, I often find myself answering “still breathing.” It’s honest, so it’s easy for me to say. Sometimes it also raises their level of awareness too.


STEP UP YOUR GAME

So you’re thinking no, I really want to know how you are! There are ways to check in on someone so that they will know you are sincere. When you’re in the moment with another human being, especially one that may be going through a lot in their personal life, it’s not easy to be mindful.

To step up, you have to heighten your awareness. This seems to be the key to a lot of life, but most people don’t know where to start.

Here is your step-by-step guide on how to be more aware and thus more thoughtful with your inquiry:

1) Before you say “how are you,” ask yourself if you are genuinely interested in a response. If yes, proceed. If not, don’t ask! You can acknowledge someone’s presence without asking that they share themselves with you. Maybe you just smile, head nod, or say hello instead. It’s perfectly polite and socially acceptable not to ask.

2) Ask yourself how you are before you ask someone else. If you are in a rush, if you are distracted, if you are lost in your own thoughts or emotions, maybe upset or agitated, that’s fine. Now you know. Try another time. If you’re ready to listen, proceed.

3) Be mindful of time and place. Are you in a loud setting? Are there lots of people moving around you? Or sitting beside you? Is it very late at night? Do either of you have time constraints? Give people the time they deserve and require to provide a real answer. It can help if you ask one-on-one, so they only have to tell you and not the other people that may be nearby.

4) Notice your body language. Are your arms or legs crossed? Where are you looking? Are you still or in motion? Try to face the person, uncross your arms, and give eye contact. If your legs are crossed, cross them toward the person, not away from them. You may want to sit down so they know you’re not about to run off.

5) Choose your words with intention. You may want to add an extra word to the classic phrase. Try, “how are you feeling?” This indicates to the person that you’re interested in more than their previous actions, future plans, or daily activities. Plus the language is rare enough that you may pique the person’s attention. This comes off differently than the good ol’ “how are ya?”

In the book Option B, Sheryl Sandberg discusses how the question “How are you?” can come off particularly insensitive when someone is dealing with adversity. In addition to many other specific suggestions on supporting someone, Sheryl suggests asking “how are you today?” to acknowledge their struggle to make it through each and every day.


Keep in mind that even if you set everything up just right, it’s still possible that someone might not want to open up in that moment. That’s okay too. I mention this so that you can keep in mind that being attached to a certain result or outcome can make this whole thing crumble.

All you can do for someone is hold space. That’s it. You can’t solve their problems and people usually aren’t looking for you to suggest solutions. Agreeing with everything they say and being silent doesn’t really give the feeling of support either.

It’s really nice to know someone cares, so if you take the time to try these suggestions it will be enough for someone to feel that you care, even if they’re not in the mood to talk.

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Jessica Galfas

Written by

Full-time truth finder sharing vulnerable stories for collective healing.

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