How to Pick-Up a Woman Wearing Headphones

These days, you can’t turn a corner without spotting a woman head-bopping her way down the street, just waiting for a man to strike up a conversation mid-song. It may be a BOSE, but the average woman doesn’t want to cancel you out. Only everyone and everything else. You’re not at all annoying or super creepy. In fact, she wants to draw you in and keep you hooked, starting with her head-gear.

Who to Target…

Walking Girls

Say you see a pretty piece walking home from work, listening to her My Boss is a Dickface playlist and she breezes on by. And keeps walking. You’ve done the right thing by letting her pass uninterrupted, right? Pfft. No! She spent one verse and a chorus waiting for your witticisms at the tail-end of her long, shitty day. She secretly loves when randos try out their second-rate material, allowing her to practice a cute, fake laugh for awkward family gatherings. Sure, she may feel uncomfortable and a bit annoyed, but she needs to work on managing those negative emotions. You’re just being helpful.

Commuting Cuties

What about the chick on the train…she’s passing her commute in the corner, earphones on, head pressed against the window, along with the rest of her body. Since you sat down in the seat next to her, she’s politely given you every inch of available space to show off your manhood, automatically recognising your overwhelming masculinity. How could she not? She hasn’t tried to move and the rest of the carriage is empty! She’s interested, right? If she’s still not glancing at your cock at least twice a minute, take up a bit more room and press your knee to her thigh. It will give her a tingling thrill before you gesture for her to remove her earphones. Between you and a poppy, nostalgic playlist, who wouldn’t pick you? You’re awesome. She knows it. You know it. Oh, yeah.

Workout Warriors

When you pass a woman working on her body, it’s hard to focus. Admit it. There’s something about a huffing, puffing face; slick, sweaty cheeks and that breathless vulnerability that makes you want to go full cave-man on her Lorna Jane sports bra. She wants you to track her route, slowly work it into your own and start to keep pace — like it’s hard, she runs like a girl — in a bid to get some running/walking/cycling tips from your manly self. You’re just naturally programmed to know more about the sport she’s pursuing, you can’t help it, even if you don’t know a thing about it. Keep an eye out for slightly porkier princesses — anybody above an Instagram size 0 — they love the attention and they’ll serve as practice until you can get in with her box-gapped counterpart. Getting her to take off her headphones shouldn’t be tricky — let her know you’ve noticed something about her technique and you’d be happy to help her work on it. She’ll be grateful that you noticed.

Still at a loss?

Does she keep knocking you back with dirty looks? 
Need a few tips to tide you over until you work out your own game? Go no further.

Engaging the Prey…

The moment she takes off her headphones, she’s listening. There’s a little work to do before you can go for sex-con one, but you’ll definitely get the ball rolling with these winners.

Be really aggressive. Women like confidence, aggressive confidence. Get in her space and wave in her face. Her space is a 1.5 to 2.5 metre radius. If she doesn’t respond right away, get closer and keep waving.

Smile and look confident. Make it nice and wide. Some might say it’s unsettling, but they don’t know anything about women — unsettling is just another word for butterflies.

Basic Movements
Add words to the wave. You should still be waving and smiling confidently. If she hasn’t responded yet, she’s probably juggling feelings of excitement and nerves — she wants to make a good impression since you’re such a charmer.

Open-Ended Gestures 
When she looks up, point to her headphones and gesture their removal. Say something like, Can you take off your headphones? Keep it direct and slightly mysterious. If she realises you want to chat from the get-go, she’s more likely to say no at first. Women are naturally demure and hesitant to engage with such blatant displays of manly self-assurance, though they love it deep, deep, deep down. Somewhere.

Dealing with Dumb Girls
If she’s a bit thick, take your gesticulating to the next level and mime a conversation between the two of you, while pointing back and forth. Not only will she appreciate your creativity, she’ll be super thankful to you for lowering yourself to her level.

Reaction Times

The average lass won’t part with her headset straight away, but persistence pays off. A smart man will leverage the systemic sexist socialisation of women, forcing her to play to expected gender norms. If you stick to the plan, she’ll give in out of politeness, fatigue or insatiable curiosity. We all know it’s really the third one. But women aren’t supposed to have any sexuality but that which men give them — men chase, women wait.

Handling Rejection

In some cases, rare cases, a woman will continue to ignore your overtures. There’s nothing wrong with you. She’s obviously a) a bitch, b) a slut, c) a crack-whore, d) a lesbian, e) a feminazi, or f) in self-hating denial. Probably all the above. You have no accountability here. You did not invade her personal space. You did not make her feel unsafe or try to talk to her in a quiet, personal moment. She should be grateful you even looked at her.

Making Contact

Now that we’ve established you’re never the problem, let’s have a look at how a successful conversation post-headphones might play out:

You: [Be aggressively confident. Smile. Maintain continuous eye-contact] Hey — I just met you, and this is crazy, here’s my number, call me maybe?

Kidding. As if you’d quote a Carly Rae song. You’re still suppressing the side of yourself that likes silly, girly pop music. Be a man. She doesn’t know you’ve watched/wanked to that Chat Roulette video.

Start again.

You: [Be aggressively confident. Smile. Maintain continuous eye-contact] Hi. I’ve noticed you lately and I think we could have something special. You’re really hot. My name is Bruce, what’s yours?

Woman: I’m kind of busy.

Classic, hard-to-get-line.

You: Haha, that’s a bit of a strange one. Your parents must have had a sense of humour. Hey, listen, I can hear your music from here and I could really open up your Spotify experience. We need to develop your musical tastes a bit before I could commit to anything beyond a casual bang, but I think there’s potential. What do you say?

Laugh off her rebuff with a joke. Make fun of her a little too, women like that. Remember– your way is always better. Add a little negging in for good measure. Always offer to help — she desperately needs male guidance — and drop in the fact you’re going to be inside her later.

Woman: Ahhhh….

She’s can’t get over how great you are. She feels so lucky, she’s speechless.

You: Yeah, I know it’s really hard breaking old habits. Not everybody has great taste like me. But we can work on you…you know…speaking of working out, do you exercise properly or are you a hobbyist? I think I could really help you develop your technique. I can already tell you’re a bit off in your regime just by the size of your calves.

Be aggressively confident in yourself, physically and verbally. Show a dash of empathy but balance it with more negging. Women thrive on continuous criticism — they have entire internal monologues unpacking their physical, emotional and mental weaknesses almost down to the minute. Point out a problematic area of her body and how you can make her more palatable to your tastes.

Woman: [Starts to walk away/ moves closer to the train or bus window and turns up music].

She really digs you. She just can’t handle it. She needs to get away to think. Try again tomorrow and she’ll be warmer or at least less resistant, little by little. Wear her down.

Set-Up Next Time…

Catching public transport? Pop one headphone off or out of her ear and let her know you’ll catch up again soon. When her stop comes up, make sure to grope her butt a little as she passes — something to build suspense until next time. Outside? Great. Follow her for a little while and keep trying. Nobody likes a quitter, least of all her. What woman doesn’t want to be followed home or around her exercise route? It will make her feel special.

Some Final Tips

Don’t be a Pussy: Compassion, listening skills and consideration are for women and pussy-whipped limp-dicks. Don’t be shy. Don’t ask how she is and care about the answer. It’s not about the answer, it’s about the opportunity to speak again. Whatever she says in-between is just filler.

Be Consistent: Figure out her bus-runs or train times. Plot her exercise routes. What are her possible paths home? Become an everyday facet of her life. She’ll come to rely on you for validation and self-worth.

Control the Conversation: Don’t let her get a word in, and if she does, who cares? It will give you time to figure out what to say next. Don’t worry about her comfort, she’s too busy being in awe of you to concern herself with safety, boundaries or red flags.

Make Sure She Knows You’re DTF: She wants your peen. If you give her a compliment, focus on how hot she is, how big her boobs are, what her butt looks like, how her legs make you want to dry hump or whatever gets you off. Find her on Facebook, Insta or any social feed and send her a dick pic. Better yet, offer to show her a photo on the train or during a chat, and flash your favourite photo!

Remember, headphones are just accessories to women. They don’t listen to good music, like ever, so who gives a $h!t about interrupting them? They’ll be thankful when you do.

From the author: This post is intended as snarky satire. Sadly, every single word of it has happened to somebody you know. Somebody you love. Your sisters, your mothers, your daughters, your cousins and your friends — women are constantly objectified, harassed, watched, stalked, criticised, monitored and more, all in public AND private spaces. There are men out there who would take this post seriously, despite the rancour and tone — they look at women like commodities, like objects and sex toys. They feel entitled to our spaces. They feel entitled to speak for us. They feel entitled to our discomfort. They feel entitled to our bodies. They feel entitled to our fear…because it will always come second to what they want.

What can we do?

Stick together. Call it out. Say something. Tell someone. You’re not alone.

Note: The words women, woman, girls and girl refer to female passing, gender fluid and trans individuals.

Inspired by: Dudebros everywhere. Peen pics. Instagram. Oh, and this