I feel everything. A lot. All the time. When it is painful. Such as Panic. Despair. Rage. I wonder if this life is worth it. In the moment, the pain may not be designed to be held by one body. One soul. It feels bigger than oneself. But there is no other self to carry it with you. In fact you do not want another self to taste it. Why would you want to bring such calamity to someone who is going by with their day?
Suicidal fantasies become appropriate. Provide relief. A sense of exit. Of perceived control.
People say reach out. If you are suffering.
The fantasy is that you pick up the phone call a friend. Friend says the right thing. And you feel better.
First, we might not even be in the right place to consider calling a friend. We might be caught up in anxiety repetitive thoughts, or drowning in unrestful sleep that the idea of seeking help does not even cross our minds.
Second, insert shame. Shame on its own, can suck away all your energy leaving you in disarray, unable to even dial a number. The shame of being a certain age, still dealing with same issues while your friends moved on to next stages. The shame of being too much. That might already been inflicted on you by society and your family.
Third, you are an adult. And you really want to start relying on yourself and saving yourself. You want to break the pattern of needing others.
Fourth, your friend has a life. They might not be available. They might be drained themselves.
When I feel the pain of the world in my being, I sometimes do not call a friend. I sometimes do not call or write anyone. I sometimes have to dream. Of this body being taken away from me. The pain dissipating. On those days, there is no other way. And I have no shame about it. One less thing to be ashamed of.
Pre-order your copy of child of the moon my first illustrated book of poetry:
about child of the moon:
in between being your mother and father
i forgot to be your daughter
and became the child of the moon
inspired by the author’s traumatic childhood experiences and set against the backdrop of the lebanese civil war, child of the moon is a powerful collection of poetry reflecting on fear, shame, despair, suicide, and the unconditional love that leads to healing.