… asked my friend after I confided in him that although I feel satisfied with my life at the moment, it’s not fulfilling because I don’t have a someone.
I realized I never really meditated on his question. So I decided to do the 5 WHYs.
WHY is it important to me to be in a relationship?
I want to be touched and made love to and held tightly as I fall asleep, and kissed all over as my eyes awake.
WHY is it important to be touched?
I want to build intimacy with someone, both physical and emotional. I want to share special moments with the someone, as well as life’s banalities and little annoyances.
WHY is intimacy important?
I want to build something with someone, a project, a human, a space, the magic happens when you do it together.
WHY is it important to build something with someone?
I want to be exposed, and work through my deepest wounds when that figure of attachment, that a partner embodies, holds up a mirror to my face.
WHY is it important to be exposed?
Because my purpose in life is to continue to grow…
Can’t you grow through other ways?
So why do you want this someone so badly?
And then the raw, scary, familiar answer came:
I want to belong in the consensus society we live in. Most of my friends’ plans are now centered around couples and children and so are the conversations, I feel left out. I feel irrelevant.
I don’t want to end up alone at 60, in an apartment, with no friends to call when I am sick, with no kids’ achievements to brag about, with no skills on how to be with someone, with so many wrinkles to turn off any man. I will be judged for the fact that no one even proposed to me. I will be sinking in the mud of shame with no one to save me. Something is wrong with me.
And then the real, brave answer spoke up:
There is another story. The story of a woman who did it her way, who felt whole at every life stage. Who inspired other women and men to do the same. Who never settled, even when they told her she was digging her own grave. The story of a woman that knew that she can only give herself love, she can only break her own heart, and she can only rise up and love again. The story of a woman that trusted in the wisdom that life threw on her path, and knew that nothing lasts.
That is the story I choose today.
Pre-order your copy of child of the moon my first illustrated book of poetry:
about child of the moon:
in between being your mother and father
i forgot to be your daughter
and became the child of the moon
inspired by the author’s traumatic childhood experiences and set against the backdrop of the lebanese civil war, child of the moon is a powerful collection of poetry reflecting on fear, shame, despair, suicide, and the unconditional love that leads to healing.
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