From Feeling Insignificant to Confident, Expressed Through Reality Bites GIFs
I was recently asked to journal, in just one line or sentence, about my feelings after hearing a laundry list of terrible, scary, uncomfortable things that had happened in close proximity to and focused directly at one of the businesses I am a part of.
I wrote: Squashed. Insignificant. Like I don’t matter.
To be clear, it wasn’t just because of the unsavory things that had been happening near my job that I felt this way. These are things I feel often and have struggled with for most of my life. Feelings of not being good enough or smart enough, talented enough or strong enough. Basically just lacking CONFIDENCE. That thing that, when nurtured, acknowledged, and tapped into, helps us own up to the unique magic of ourselves, keeps our heads held high, choose the path best suited for us — even if it is the path less traveled.
Whenever that familiar feeling comes on, I get really down on myself and actually feel my energy deflate. I feel low, heavy, burdened by my imperfections, not feeling as if I could possibly go on, not feeling as if I could possibly compare to someone — anyone! — else. Once those thoughts and voices start their condescending rants, it is really hard for me to pull myself up and out of it. Sometimes I’m stuck there for days. I often refer to this as being “in the Bell Jar” (thanks Janeane Garofalo/Reality Bites!).
This time, though, was different. Once I got home, dropping my keys onto my key plate by the door, my heart was still low, but as I started to take my coat off I saw where I had been sitting earlier at my desk while on my computer and was reminded of all the work I had accomplished that day alone: All the emails I sent pitching story ideas, all the ads I had created for social media to promote my classes and workshops, ACTIVELY TRYING TO BE SIGNIFICANT.
It was at that point I realized I had a choice: I could either let myself stay feeling defeated or remind myself of everything I do. Not just the stuff that brings in a paycheck, but that I am playing a diligent role in promoting myself and putting myself out there, which definitely takes some confidence.
Taking a look back at myself, back at my life two or three years ago, I was definitely more timid, afraid of saying things on social media, let alone say things that built myself up to make it seem like I was someone people should listen to. Perhaps I have my move to DC to thank, relocating to a place where I knew no one, my name unknown on the schedules of the yoga studios I first started teaching at. I had to go outside my comfort zone to take charge of my life — and my future — as a yoga instructor, as a reiki healer, as a writer if I was going to succeed. WHICH TAKES CONFIDENCE. Confidence I didn’t even know that I had.
I also had to believe in myself, believe that if I showed up and did the best that I could each.and.every.time. things would shift, people would like me, people would want to come to my classes or schedule a session with me, or like the idea I had for a potential story. Every move was (and still is!) a risk, every post another chance to strike a cord with virtual unknowns, chances I took to put myself out there in hopes of attracting abundance my way.
There’s a saying that goes “Abundance flows when I flow,” and I see now that I AM FLOWING. I saw it that night after being so hard on myself and making me feel defeated. ME. The only person I can truly rely on for anything, I was putting myself down. As I took off my coat and looked around my apartment, I also disrobed myself of all those negative things I had said to myself earlier. I’m insignificant? FUCK NO. LOOK AT WHAT I DID TODAY, LOOK AT EVERYTHING I’VE DONE UP UNTIL THIS MOMENT. I AM SIGNIFICANT AND NO ONE — NOT EVEN THOSE NEGATIVE VOICES IN MY HEAD — CAN SAY OTHERWISE.