“Back when I was beautiful”
Thoughts framed in response to “What does a post-patriarchal world look like to you?” www.post-patriarchy.org
In a post-patriarchy world, Facebook might give me a “on this day” notification, leaving me staring at pictures, but the only thoughts that reverberate throughout my mind would not be “back when I was beautiful.”
In a post-patriarchy world, I’d experiment with vulnerability and seek comfort from those close to me. I’d get real about this. I’d ask others if they too are sometimes too embarrassed to leave their room, flaking on plans if they even felt courageous enough to set them, not wanting to be seen. I’d ask if they have ever covered their mirrors in post-it notes so they didn’t have to see themselves, kept their head down while washing their hands in bathrooms, or avoided looking at their reflection in windows and buildings on the street.
In a post-patriarchy world, I’d be able to see these pictures for what they were. I would remember these memories, and the context that surrounds them- how there was so much back story than what is seen in these pictures, so many more emotions- both positive and negative. It’s been said time and time again that a picture is just a captured moment of time. We tell other people to remember there are unseen circumstances and emotions in every photo, but what do we tell ourselves? I know firsthand the stress, tears, and anguish behind each one — I lived the full story. In a post-patriarchy world, I would think about what was behind the picture and not how I’m displayed in front. In a post-patriarchy world, the memories, the context, the story, would be more front and center than what’s currently in my mind.
In a post-patriarchy world, I wouldn’t be comparing myself today to how I have only looked four times in my life. Makeup, hair, nails, a fancy dress, I never put this much effort into how I look, so I’d never compare myself to how I did on those four days. In a post-patriarchy world, I’d not only recognize that these comparisons don’t serve me and only make me feel bad about myself, I’d be able to drop them.
In a post-patriarchy world, there would be far more things important than the physical beauty of the 15, 16, 17, and 18 year old ‘on display’ in these photos. In a post-patriarchy world, I wouldn’t care that I’ve changed since 5 years from the most recent picture and 8 years from the oldest. In a post-patriarchy world, being appealing to other’s eyes wouldn’t matter more than the fact that I’m most certainly a kinder, more generous, more open, more ambitious, more intentional, and wiser human being (who is obviously still so flawed but doing her best). In a post-patriarchy world, women wouldn’t be subconsciously taught that looks are where our value lies. In a post-patriarchy world, we wouldn’t have living proof and muscle memory from being rewarded in endless ways that we feel less valuable when our appearance changes.
In a post-patriarchy world, no woman would critique another woman for not looking so good. In a post-patriarchy world, no woman would look at a picture of another woman and say she let herself go. In a post-patriarchy world, no woman would pity another woman for her appearance.
In a post-patriarchy world, “back when I was beautiful” wouldn’t cross my mind because there would be no past tense to being beautiful. In a post-patriarchy world, I would be able to recognizable my beauty in the present. In a post-patriarchy world, I would feel the freedom that comes from feeling beautiful. In a post-patriarchy world, I would be able to see my beauty by looking at my soul, looking at the people I’ve attracted around me (who really prove it twice over).
In a post-patriarchy world, my body would be beautiful for it’s strength and softness- how it’s carried and continues to carry itself, my mind, and my spirit with courage, resilience, and intentionality, as I navigate a chronic disease and many different levels of trauma, daily.
In a post-patriarchy world, I’d be able to feel an emotion other than shame. In a post-patriarchy world, I’d say fuck it- this emotion is killing me, literally. In a post-patriarchy world, taking ownership would be easy, shutting out the shame would be easy, shifting my perspective would be easy.
In a post-patriarchy world, there wouldn’t be industries making billions on making women feel insecure — that they need to buy their product, follow these tips, fix themselves.
In a post-patriarchy world, women wouldn’t be encouraged to focus on their appearance, while never acknowledging they like the way they look. In a post-patriarchy world, there wouldn’t be songs telling women that they’re beautiful because they don’t know it. In a post-patriarchy world, women wouldn’t be criticized for not having confidence, and criticized for feeling confident.
In a post-patriarchy world, I’d be able to change not just myself but this paradigm on a larger scale.
In a post-patriarchy world, no woman would need to look outside herself for validation.
In a post-patriarchy world, the male gaze wouldn’t be so permanent that even the most passionate feminists can’t transcend.
In a post-patriarchy world, I’d look at these pictures without shuddering in shame.
In a post-patriarchy world, I’d reminisce in nostalgic, bittersweet joy over 4 years of prom seasons. In a post-patriarchy world, I would think about way more when I see these pictures than “back when I was beautiful”.
In a post-patriarchy world, this exhausting energy wouldn’t be taking up space that could be filled with even greater levels of passion, love, motivation. In a post-patriarchy world, there would be more room for positive emotions, fueling feelings, steady focus that nourishes growth and transformation on personal, collective, global levels. I can only imagine what all women, all beings, could do in a post-patriarchal world.
