One More Thing

The first time I was told I’d be a terrible teacher, I cried

I cried as I stepped out of his office, down the stairs to the crosswalk

I cried as my fingers slipped on the faulty phone keys

I cried in failed attempts to call home

When you have anxiety, you do not get many positive moments

even when I’m walking to the grocery store I’m thinking,

are they staring at me? Do I look okay? They’re probably not staring because they don’t think I’m attractive enough, is my eyeliner messed up?

Why did I wear sweatpants, how unattractive are sweatpants

I hate myself, I hate the way I look, I don’t feel comfortable

I don’t feel comfortable even in sweatpants, I have to go home and change

I’m too far to go home and change, I’m stuck, I’m nervous, and I don’t know why

When I was told I’d be a terrible teacher, all I could think about was all the times I had failed

How could I possibly make two big mistakes on my paper, how could I plagiarize without intent?

It’s pretty easy actually. What they don’t tell you about anxiety, is that you’re great at homework, in fact you’re the best at completing as many tasks as you are given and more

You can’t sleep at night and therefore you have more time to write some of your own writings, or lay there thinking about all the things that you are going to do tomorrow,

You are nervous, and you don’t know why but you continue to go on with your normal routine like your not, because you have too many things on your plate and also,

you need to keep moving

Even the deep breathing your mom told you about isn’t helping, you sit there typing, you lose your appetite, your mind goes blank

you fall asleep at your computer,

you wake up frantically finding your paper far from finished and you need to finish this perfect paper tomorrow or you won’t graduate

you stay up all night,

you are biting your nails, nervous

you contemplate all of the scenarios that might happen from not getting a perfect A on this one paper,

you think of all the people that will be disappointed in you as you fail

to graduate this term

There’s a lot of people counting on you,

you turn to caffeine, to music,

all the things that make you stay awake because you can’t fight the energy it takes to calm yourself down during a nervous attack

you finish the paper.

You sleep two hours, only to get up and get to the computer lab right as it opens,

even though you have class in six hours, just so that you won’t be late

you turn the paper in

You leave class hoping that the paper was okay, you worry that the professor won’t like it,

you worry that you’ve made too many mistakes

You don’t eat your dinner that night

you bite your nails again

you fail to even sleep right

He calls you to his office to talk

He tells you

you plagiarized.

the paper that you wrote two days ago, that you stayed up all night writing, that you worked so hard on

I didn’t mean to.

as he looked at me like I was stupid, like I was stupid, Like I was stupid

he finally said “ you’re going to be a terrible teacher”,

and I just didn’t feel right,

because I spent more time finishing the paper than I had correcting it,

that if it wasn’t for five high volume English classes with books and papers to read and write

and other things that took my mind to flight, that I might have remembered to cite,

When I told him I wanted to be a teacher, he raised his eyebrows, and sighed

“You are going to be a terrible Teacher”, and I started to cry

These thoughts in my head are never silenced, they’re always awake

Suddenly, my thoughts weren’t making any sense,

I was nervous about the way my hair fell at it’s natural state

I was worried if these pancakes were going to make me gain weight

I was nervous about meeting new people and where it would lead

I already was thinking about my boyfriend jetting off on a horse with that girl we just met,

just breathe

My pulse is always racing,

sometimes my temperature runs hot

I refuse to look in the mirror and face the disgrace

It’s easy to count me out, I made one mistake,

Love me, or leave me, my heart will never break,

I’m going to be a teacher, and I’ll do whatever it takes

One More thing,

I wish I said with dignity,

anxiety can be a strength, so let it be mine

I walked into his office,

I looked down at his desk,

He handed my paper to me, with a smile

lifting his fingers, from it’s grasp

I had gotten an A

and this was just one more thing

that I thought of instead

of success.

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