I have no idea how this works. None. I literally just signed up for it five minutes ago, downloaded the app, and now I’m writing. I’ll be honest. I don’t know if this is a blog, a place for short stories and prose, something resembling an open mic night but online or what. I didn’t really take time to research the app or read anyone else’s stories.(?) I’m just in the mood to write so here I am. I don’t think I have followers so I’m going to proceed as if I’m writing to myself. Like this is a journal and I’m a more experienced, smarter version of my 13 year old self.

There is always a lot on my mind. It’s always going. I’m either worrying, stressing, planning, thinking, being in love (with my boyfriend, with a band, with a makeup brand…just something). I can’t remember the last time my mind relaxed and that’s ok. It sounds exhausting and it can be but it’s who I am. I’ve come to terms with that. I’ll never be someone who goes straight to sleep when I lie down. Ill always wonder how people can be so cold or callous or care so little about what others think of them. Ill always be an overthinking machine. And I’m done trying to change that. I’m ready to just embrace it and stop using the energy I do have to fight it. It doesn’t make me a sad person. It doesn’t make me a happy person. It makes me a person and that’s simply it.

I’m not trying to be clever or cute. I’m not trying to be quirky. I hate that. I hate quirkiness for the sake of quirkiness. I have friends that are genuinely quirky, genuinely different and I love that. I love them. I crush hard on them (friend crush of course). But there is nothing I hate more than quirky for the sake of quirky. Like….if you’re a basic pumpkin loving fools, be a basic pumpkin loving fool. I am and Thats okay. If you’re an underachieving toker who squeaks by each month on the rent but is happy, by all means be you. If you’re a businessperson (pc Jessie lurks) then be ruthless. Go for the throat of your adversaries. But for the love of God. Don’t be something for the sake of being it. It’s too exhausting.

Wait, where was I going with that? Oh yeah, I’m not trying to be clever. At least I don’t think I am. The way I’m writing is the way I talk to myself although admittedly my inner dialogue is a little less formal and a little more crude. But as a writer (and dang it, I am a writer! Maybe not a published one but I’m writing so I’m a writer) I have the constant inner urge to be engaging and relatable so these are my thoughts but in a smarter tone. (Yes, I guess I am trying to be clever subconsciously.)

There’s a lot on my mind tonight. Per usual. But the thing that’s most prevalent tonight is who the heck I really am. I’ve always heard people talk about trying to find themselves. I’ve heard, as we all have, the tired cliche about loving yourself before you love others. I thought it was hogwash. Garbage. But the older I get, the truer I see that it is! As much as I hate to admit it, finding yourself is a real thing. Accepting your findings, though, is what hurts. Not hurts like depression hurts but hurts like growing pains hurt. Especially if it goes against the things you always thought you were or weren’t or what you’ve been taught to be by your conservative family or what your pressured to be by your liberal counterparts and friends. It’s hard to go against the grain. Sometimes it’s hard to admit you are in agreement with the grain. But I’m getting there. Maybe it’s my failed marriage leading me to where I’m at. Maybe it’s growing older, wiser. Maybe its all bullshit and I’m being really pompous. Who knows?

But I’m figuring things out. Not that you (whoever you are) care or should you. I’m not so douchey to believe that anyone should be mesmerized or drawn into my self discovery journey of sorts. So if ya wanna resume your own life, go ahead. I wouldn’t blame you. But I wanna get it out so maybe I can get some friggin sleep for once. So here it goes. And disclaimer. In hopes of maintaining some brevity, I’ll condense greatly.

The first thing I’ve discovered is that I believe in God. That may seem strange to you all because I’ve grown up in church. Always been a believer. Br what I mean is I believe in God with my whole being. I’m sure he’s real. My faith is strong. My mind is made up. I’ve felt him, I’ve seen his works, I’m convinced. And I love him.

That being said, I don’t believe God is waiting to damn me to hell. I believe I can say “curse” words because that’s exactly what they are. Words. Nothing more nothing less. The meaning behind them is whatever I choose it to be. And having a drink or a glass (or two) of wine won’t send me to hell. Neither will sleeping in on a Sunday or having a (gasp) gay friend. What will, in my opinion, send me to hell is judging others in a cruel manner that leads them away from God. Or not helping those in need like Jesus not only instructed but demonstrated. Yes, I should attend services. Yes I should proclaim my beliefs. And yes, there is right and wrong and I shouldn’t sugarcoat that to myself or anyone else. But I don’t believe that God, a loving merciful God that I choose to serve, is waiting on pins and needles for me to mess up so he can make me pay. Now understand. I may be wrong. This is my interpretation and opinion. I could be very wrong. So believe as you will.

Secondly, and this may disappoint some of you, I hate politics. I used to care so much. I used to be a diehard republican fighting against all the immoral injustices of this world. Then one day, almost literally, I woke up and I decided that two people who love one another getting married is none of my business. Why was I wasting my time and energy going against it? It was simply none of my business. In my opinion, when love wins (again cliche but true) we all win. So much hate in this world, so much pain. What’s it hurt me or you if a man shares his life with another man? And vice versa? It doesn’t. Not at all. As far as what the scripture says about it, I am responsible for interpreting it as it pertains to me and other than that, each person must make his or her decisions. But I’ve decided, for me, it’s not enough to have gay friends. In fact, when people say, “ I have nothing against gays. I have gay friends”, that’s borderline offensive. Like we, “the straights” are doing them a favor by extending our friendship. Screw that. I love my gay friends, I love my Straight friends. I love my friends not because of who they are or in spite of who they are but because in some way they’ve touched my life. So I have to agree with all their decisions? Nope of course not. But I love them and I’m happy they’ve found love.

Now, on the same subject, I don’t think its “hate” to speak out against something you believe in or don’t believe in. Through this “path of self discovery” (ugh, gross) I’ve also come to see that it’s okay to believe in things . If someone doesn’t agree with a certain lifestyle, it’s okay for them to talk about it. In fact, they should. A belief doesn’t have to be politically correct to be heard or valid. Jesus wasn’t politically correct. We don’t always have to be either. But what we must do is speak with kindness and love and compassion. And not just lip service compassion. True compassion. And more importantly, allow ourselves to feel empathy deep in our soul. Not sympathy. But true, put yourself in another’s shoes empathy. We can disagree to high heaven with something someone does but still love them and respect them. And it’s not that hard. In fact, it’s harder to harbor hate than to just love.

You know what else I love? Selfies. Makeup. Contouring. New clothes. Cats. Dogs. Facebook. My boyfriend. Liam. My momma and family. My church. Wine. Books. Newspapers. Sushi. Cursing a little. Sports. Traveling. Sleeping. Donuts. Stephen King. Harry Potter. Tattoos. The Bible. Jesus. Preppy clothes. Writing.

Know what I hate? Exercising. Eating healthy. Water. Beer. Poetry. Nicholas Sparks. Eyebrow rings. Politics. Donald trump. Hilary Clinton. Growing old. Being an underachiever( and I am. No doubt. I’m too smart to have lived the life I’ve lived up till now but working on it.) cowboy boots.

Trivial? Yes. Controversial? Not really. Interesting? Probably not to anyone but me. But the point is, I don’t like something because others do. But I don’t dislike something because others like it either. I like what I like and I am what I am. I don’t need your permission or your approval nor do you owe it to me. You don’t owe it to anyone. But please, please, please…can we be a little kinder? A little nicer? A little more understanding. Can we all find ourselves but be careful that while we do we don’t make others regret who they are or feel as if they’re less than human?