Uh oh. He’s old enough for a cell phone, now what?

Books By Jess
Aug 24, 2017 · 5 min read

My son is just on the verge of turning 12. That actually scares the shit out of me. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that he’s gaining on me in the height department, that he steals my socks, or that he’s now at the age where conversations will need to be had about certain body parts, certain feelings, and certain—just no.

My husband and I decided it was time to draft a contract for big guy and his shiny new phone. Using a dash of inspiration from an old friend who years ago posted a few similar rules, the following is what we’ve come up with.

Enjoy.


CELL PHONE CONTRACT

We love you unequivocally. We look forward to sharing millions of text messages with you in the years to come. The following are the expectations you are to adhere to with the phone we have given to you while you are living under our roof. Whether you buy the phone or we buy the phone, we are currently paying the monthly service fee for you. That makes us super cool parents. Even in the event we decide it’s your responsibility to pay the monthly service fee or even buy your own phone, as long as you are living under our roof, you’ll have to abide by these guidelines:

1. The password isn’t private. If you change it, you need to notify us immediately. This is for your safety and our sanity.
2. Mind your manners. Don’t ever ignore a phone call if the screen reads ‘mom’, ‘dad’, or is one of your brothers, even if you are ‘on the other line’. This is non-negotiable.
3. Plug in the device downstairs in the office area by 9pm every single school night and by 10pm on the weekends. It needs to remain off at night. If you wouldn’t go knock on someone’s door after that timeframe, nor should you be calling or engaging in communication with others at those late hours. Listen to your instincts and respect other families the way that dad and I would like to be respected.
4. Do follow all school rules regarding electronic devices. If you choose not to follow the school rules and get caught, you and you alone will have to accept the consequences. Dad and I will not bail you out.
5. If your phone falls into the toilet, a random body of water, pile of snow, smashes on the ground, is stolen or lost or otherwise vanishes into thin air, you’re responsible for the repair or replacement cost. Currently, your phone costs $429. If you don’t take care of it, plan on getting a job so you can pay for it out of your own money. Mow a lawn, babysit, stash your birthday or holiday money. It will likely happen — so be prepared.
6. Don’t use this technology to lie, fool or deceive another human. Don’t involve yourself in conversations that are hurtful to others. Be a good friend and always treat people the way you want to be treated, even if they aren’t kind to you.
7. Don’t text, email, or say anything through this device that you wouldn’t say to a persons face. Be sure that while you’re at school and at home, you still converse in person with the people you text. It’s a life social skill. Don’t be a hermit.
8. Don’t text, email or say anything to someone through your phone that you wouldn’t say out loud with dad or I in the room. Censor yourself.
9. No pornography or other inappropriate material. Search the web only for information you’d be okay having an open conversation with dad or I about. If you have a question about anything, ask a human, preferably dad or myself.
10. Don’t send or receive pictures of your private parts or anyone else’s private parts. Don’t laugh. Someday you’ll be tempted to do this despite your extremely high intelligence level. It’s risky and could ruin your teenage/college/adult life — forever. It’s always a bad idea. I promise. The world wide web (or, the Internet, as you know it by) is a vast bottomless pit of omnipotence. Things of this magnitude would never disappear. Once you put something ‘out there’, even if you ‘delete it’, it can and will still be found — forever. A bad reputation will follow you for all eternity.
11. Do turn off your phone, silence it or put it away in public — especially in a restaurant, at the movies, or while speaking with another human. You aren’t a rude person, don’t allow the phone to change that.
12. Do leave your phone at home sometimes. Feel safe and secure in that decision. It’s not alive. It’s not an extension of you. Learn to live without it and be bigger and more powerful than the FOMO — fear of missing out. I dare you to try it at least once per week. It’s liberating.
13. Do download music that’s appropriate — songs that you’d feel comfortable playing out loud with dad and I and your little brothers listening.
14. Do read a book. Play a game with words every now and then. Don’t be afraid to do other activities outside of your phone. There are a lot of wonderful things to do in life.
15. Do keep your eyes open. See the world around you for it’s sheer beauty. Draw a picture. Stare out a window. Listen to the birds, climb a tree, take a walk. Watch a sunset. Talk to someone new today. Wonder about the world around you.
16. You’ll mess up. You’ll get your phone taken away. We’ll sit down and talk about it. Then, we’ll start all over again. We’re always learning together, know that we are on your team, always. We are in this together.
17. Keep ‘Find Friends’ on and ‘track my phone’ on, always.
18. Lastly, xxxx. 4 x’s. Burn them into your brain. If EVER you are in an uncomfortable situation, one where a phone call won’t work because of listening ears around you or prying eyes over your shoulders, just text dad or I 4 x’s. It doesn’t matter the time. It doesn’t matter the day, it doesn’t matter the distance — we will come to you. Wherever you are, always always know, that no questions asked, we will be there. Peer pressure is real, and we are here to help you learn to make good decisions in life.

We adore you, Noah. We trust you. You’ve earned this phenomenal privilege, and for that and a world more, we are so so proud of you.

So, there you have it. Not just a shit ton of don’ts, but for good measure, a few do’s in there too.

Sidenote: The boy loved the rules. #momwin


For other fun posts and banter with myself, please feel free to follow me over on my Facebook page.

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Books By Jess

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Three rowdy boys = 1 rowdy mom

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