How to take a new profile picture when you should be doing anything else

Messy hair? No makeup?
Didn’t sleep great the night before?
Overcome with the stress of packing your life into a suitcase and moving to another county?

Don’t let that stop you from taking a new profile picture!

Step #1: Red Lipstick

Really lean into that edgy I-had-nightmares-all-night style with your own iconic red lip.

You didn’t forget to put on makeup today — you’re wearing a classic French look.

It’s the only accessory you need. You planned this look for days.

Step #2: Pout

Smiling is weakness. Stare into the camera — not your face on the screen — so they cannot predict the exact moment of your attack.

If you can’t pout, smiling with your eyes is allowed, especially if you do it while thinking of a secret or cake.

Step #3: Instagram Filter

The makeup of the internet.

If you don’t post #selfies just go through all the steps of publishing to Instagram and then screen shot and abort mission.

I went with Clarendon but you have options here. Make sure to spend at least 15 minutes trying all of the filters.


Do whatever and then slap on a black and white filter. Just understand this comes with the added responsibility of constantly having fresh-cut flowers to decorate your loft and quoting 1930’s films.

Yes, you need to buy a loft now. Don’t complain to me — I don’t make the rules.

If you are not ready for that kind of commitment, use the scary picture and text this one to a friend with no context.

Voilà! Now get back to packing, missy.

Co-founder of The Writing Cooperative. I paint landscapes in portrait and smile at strangers.

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