It was all a dream

originally written July 21, 2016

There is a certain anxiety that arises when you approach a threshold where a reality you once could have sworn was real begins to shift. It starts to move and quiver. If you are lucky it doesn’t shatter but gently cracks and piece by piece layers peel away to reveal the truth.

My experience is a story yet to be told. My reality has begun to shake. Things that I once thought to be only a passing thought have solidified into something tangible. Dreams that were in my subconscious now see the light of waking day. And each breath I take carries with it the weight of a lifetime. I feel gratitude and excitement mixed with fear and confusion.

Waves of emotion crash around my feet with an intensity that could and do bring me to my knees. But through my practice of yoga and in turn, meditation, I was given access to a space. It is like being given a private theater in which I sit and watch myself, my thoughts and actions. I watch myself experience and live. What a gift. Waking up into myself and realizing that my reality is a constantly shifting entity to which I know no bounds.

Right now these insights come to me as a whisper of what is yet to come. A not always gentle reminder that each moment and person is so incredibly important and the more difficult lesson I am learning is that nothing lasts forever. The things and people you hold dear, they have their time and place in your reality. They are meant to be released, to be honored in that present experience but not held onto for a second longer than they are truly there to support each other. To hang on creates suffering. To do so is dishonest. To do so is theft. We lie to ourselves and others so often to hang onto a person or idea of who they are and who they are in relationship to ourselves. We steal our own reality by attempting to hold onto a memory, We trick ourselves into thinking that if we remember than it must be real… in truth, no memory is real. Memories can be the grand thief and vampires of the soul. They hold your mind, your spirit and sometimes your body captive in a moment that died long ago.

I keep waking up, more and more as time progresses. Usually it is late at night just before I think I am about to fall asleep. I get a sensation of expansion… literally it seems as if my consciousness grows in a split second giving a deeper glimpse into the truth of this moment. An awareness of some knowledge that I did not have access to before. It frightens me because somewhere deep inside I know this is not something I can talk about or try to explain. These mystic moments have laid the foundation for what I know as my spiritual life. Funny in its way because these moments leave me feeling as if I now know more than I did before, but that knowledge forces me to let go into accepting what has become my new mantra; Allow the unknown to simply be unknown.

Realization brings with it the responsibly of action. As I realize that the life I had dreamed for myself is not based on who I truly am but on the ideas of what I thought a happy life should look like, I am given the daunting and trying task of creating and allowing who I am to surface. To get to know my authentic self not inhibited by memories and scars… the wild and free expression of my deepest desires and honest passions. To own my feelings and actions totally. To trust my intuitions and love myself unconditionally. This is my reality. Until it is not.

Jess Nickerson Yoga — Long Beach, Tofino, British Columbia, Canada