Christmas Music is the Goddamn Worst

I love Christmas music. I really do. I am one of those people who starts playing it right after Thanksgiving, who has a “Christmas” station on her Pandora all year, hell I even use one of the presets on my car radio just for a station that plays 24 hour Christmas music in December. And yet, here I am boldly stating, as a matter of fact, that Christmas music is the goddamn worst. But I don’t expect you to just take my word for it. By way of proof, I have compiled three compelling examples. I feel confident that the evidence before us shows that Christmas music sucks jingle bells.

Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” is the goddamn worst.

This one starts out alright.

“And in our world of plenty, we can spread a smile of joy; Throw your arms around the world; At Christmas time”

Okay, I’m with you so far. A song about selflessness, nice.

“But say a prayer to pray for the other ones.”

The other ones? Uh oh. Where are we heading with this?

“There’s a world outside your window
And it’s a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears;

And the Christmas bells that ring there
Are the clanging chimes of doom”

Okay this got really dark, really quick. What place is this song about? Is it actual hell?

“Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don’t you put that on me. I never said that.

“And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time. The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life. Oh, where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow.”

What? We were talking about Africa this whole time? Jesus you made it sound like it was Dante’s Seventh Circle of Hell. Okay, now that I’ve pivoted here and realize we are actually talking about the continent of Africa, let me note a few things. First of all, it does snow in Africa. There are several mountainous regions throughout the continent, including the Atlas Mountains, which have pretty regular annual snowfall. And even if there weren’t, so what? There won’t be snow in Florida either. Secondly, “nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow”? What the hell? Yes, Africa is primarily a desert climate, but there are tons of rivers in Africa including a little one called the Nile that you might have heard of.

“Do they know it’s Christmastime at all?”

Um. About 25% of all of the world’s Christian population lives in Sub-Saharan Africa. Which rivals the number in Europe. You know, where the Vatican is. So to answer your question: Yes. I think they are aware of the significance of the date.

“Little Drummer Boy” is the goddamn worst.

First of all, 33 of the lines in this song are just variations of the noise “Pa rum pum pum pum.” And, not to be jerk to a kid who’s just doing his best here, but banging a goddamn drum for three minutes isn’t exactly the gift every newborn baby wants. You know what newborns like to do? Sleep. You know what is pretty much guaranteed to wake up a sleeping newborn baby? Banging a goddamn drum in his face. Also, a single drum is not a “song.” It is, AT BEST, rhythm. And, given that the drummer in this case is a child, and only apparently knows that one beat, more likely it is just noise.

“Baby It’s Cold Outside” is the goddamn worst.

I know much has been said about this song, so I won’t beat a dead horse here. I will hear none of this “it’s a product of its time” bullshit. It propagates a harmful, “no means yes” mentality that we have no room for and cannot tolerate as a society.

We all look the other way because it’s only once a year and no one wants to be a Grinch (speaking of which, “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” is the goddamn worst, but we’ll save that for another time). But it’s here. In black and white. Before our very eyes. Christmas music is the goddamn worst.

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