So, you’re a modern man. You are in a stable, seemingly endless, relationship with a woman who, while perfectly fine and all, isn’t really revving your engine these days. You’re bored and uninspired. Now you have visions of becoming a real-life Lothario. Before you dive in, or even if you’ve already begun your journey to the magical land of fooling around, there are a few things you should know. Behold, a comprehensive guide to getting it on out of wedlock.
Find a Mistress
Lucky you! You live in the digital age and it’s never been easier. Obviously finding someone local who you can meet and canoodle in person is simple. Options like Tinder, Plenty of Fish, hell, even Craigslist if you’re desperate, make finding willing participants relatively easy and user-friendly. But is that really what you’re looking for? I don’t think so. You’d rather keep things superficial, flirty, digital. With less time commitment and, frankly, less chance of drawing attention to your secret life, sticking to an online relationship is the best. You still get the female attention, the sexual attraction. You make yourself feel like the big guy in town. Plus it’s not really cheating if your parts don’t touch, right? Yeah, sure! Twitter is a good place to start. There are a lot of women there, you can remain fairly or completely anonymous, and if you put enough lines in the water you’ll get a bite.
Land a Mistress
Once you’ve established a baseline familiarity and flirty atmosphere you can begin building up to a more sexual relationship. You’ll want to do it in a non-threatening way. I recommend using, “I had a dream about you.” Which, obviously is a lie, but you don’t have a problem with lying, do you? A dream allows you to disclaim all responsibility for having these impure thoughts. Sexual fantasies will be discussed, pictures exchanged; Congratulations, now you have a mistress!
Do’s and Don’ts
Don’t ever ever ever use the words “mistress” or “adultery” or “affair.” Nothing ruins the mood more than calling your mistress your mistress. Tell her you’re “just hanging out, getting to know each other” / “why do we have to label things all the time?” / “isn’t it enough that we like each other and we both know that?” / “we should just see where things go.” Adultery is bad. Affairs are bad. What you’re doing isn’t adultery! It’s not an affair! This is just some fun times with a couple of consenting adults! Plus, it’s not like you’re actually going to act on any of this, probably. No one believes in 100% emotional and physical fidelity these days. It’s 2015, for Christ’s sake! Wedding vows just haven’t caught up with modern technology.
Don’t get ahead of yourself. If you’ve gotten this far, you’re probably starting to get a little full of yourself. Resist the urge to embark on several of these mistress missions at the same time. While building a digital harem may seem fine at first, I assure you, no amount of machismo can sustain that regimen.
Don’t leave a paper trail. If it’s possible to get a phone that your significant other won’t see the bill for, use that. Insist on voice communications because you “love to hear the smile in her voice.” If you don’t have access to a phone without the prying eyes of your pesky spouse to whom you’ve committed your life, stick to internet communications that allow you to delete the conversations, or — better yet — delete them for you automatically. Snapchat has a text feature that will delete messages automatically. It also allows you to send pictures and videos without leaving behind evidence.
Do be aware of the screenshot. If you’re involved with a smart woman, there is a very good chance that she will keep photographic evidence of at least portions of your conversations. Be aware of this. There really isn’t any way around it. You can use a false identity that isn’t traceable back to you. Don’t allow her any access to information which would make her capable of contacting your spouse. I feel like that should be obvious. But, then again, you’re the kind of person who thinks he can get away with adultery after reading an article online, so I guess it’s worth saying.
Do make the time commitment. Caring for a mistress takes time and energy. You’ll need to talk to her most of the time to make sure she doesn’t get cold feet. Regular calls and messages are necessary to keep her interested and to keep her from thinking too much about why she’s better than this and should find someone who respects her and has more to offer.
Don’t get too attached. Probably the biggest benefit of finding a mistress online is how simple it becomes to pretend that she isn’t a person with human emotions for whom you should express empathy. You hardly know her, after all.
End things amicably
Here comes the tricky part. Your mistress has worn out her charms. The grass that was once vibrant green and dewy in the mid-day sun is now a little faded, turning brown, this grass sucks you should’ve gotten better grass. Convince her that this is her fault. Tell her she’s gotten unreasonable or jealous. Tell her you need to dedicate more time to your kids. Something, anything, other than, “I was just using you to fill a void in my sad, pathetic life and now I’m bored with you.” If you don’t end things amicably all hell will break loose. I assure you that there is no better private detective than a woman scorned. She will find you and she will destroy you.
