How To Find a Therapist

Recently, I’ve had a lot of conversations with friends who are considering therapy for the first time. I’m pretty open about loving therapy, and how much you can get out of it, etc. It’s not just about dealing with crisis, or repairing problems- it’s also about growing, listening, being good to yourself. I won’t really go into reasons why you might seek therapy in this little piece (there are so many great reasons!!). But, if you’re already thinking about starting therapy — good for you :) I’m supportive.

Finding a therapist you want to work with is really important, and it’s often where people get stuck.

So, let’s start there.

You’re looking for someone you’d be willing to have a second session with — not the ‘right fit’.

I think a lot of people assume they’ll be able to tell if someone is the right fit. That when they find the right fit they’ll know it. But in all my years of therapist finding, it was only ever obvious to me when someone was NOT a good fit. It’s just hard to know definitively if someone is the right fit after meeting with them for an hour.

So, instead of evaluating if a therapist is the ‘right fit’ for you, evaluate if you’d be willing to have another session with them. Don’t feel the pressure to need to ‘know’ the person is the right fit in order to keep going.

More importantly, if you DON’T feel certain about someone, it doesn’t mean it’s the wrong fit. Remember that it’s therapy — it’s probably going to be uncomfortable. That’s just the nature of opening up and talking about tough, painful, challenging, hard to admit, scary topics. And those could all be reasons you leave a session feeling uncomfortable, rather than bad fit.

On top of that, you probably don’t even know what you need yet.

Let me introduce a job-hunting comparison here. If it’s your first job, and you don’t know if you like big companies or small companies, you make the best decision you can, pick one, and see how it goes. For your next job, you might try smaller or bigger. But only after you kind of do a few will you really understand which thing suits you, and why and why not.

Knowing what kind of therapist you want is kind of like that. You don’t even know what therapy is like, so don’t sweat not having clear criteria yet.

No matter what, just get started. At the end of the day, getting started alone is going to have more impact. And sessions you spend with a therapist you don’t continue to see aren’t ‘wasted’. Having sessions with different therapists — even if you’re not sure if you’ll continue with them yet — is still therapy. And once you start, you’ll have way more information about what you need than before.

Now, here are some actual steps.

1. Read the bios of a few therapists. Start anywhere. I’ve found good and bad fits through all of the following.

• Search online for websites, profiles and descriptions.
• Read yelp reviews.
• Start with your health insurance website if you want to stay in-network.
• EAP programs through work are a great option.
• If you have therapist friends who know you well, ask them for referrals.
• Ask friends who are in therapy to ask their therapists for recommendations.

2. Email 2–3 who look promising, and reach out (I prefer email). A simple note will do — let them know you want to start therapy, and would like to see if this might be a good fit.

3. Go in for a first session! Some will schedule a consultation call (usually free) and then ask you to come in for an initial session (probably paid).

You could go to first-sessions with a few therapists, and then pick one to continue with. Or, you could just go for one person. I like going to a few first-sessions before choosing someone to work with, because comparing makes it clearer to me what worked and didn’t work (easier to make a choice).

4. Feelings! Take note of how YOU felt with the therapist. There’s not really a strict checklist or criteria to go off of here — be observant and go for it. Here are some things for you to think about:

• Did you feel safe? supported? heard?
• Did you feel interrupted? rushed?
• Did you feel nervous? uncertain?
• What felt good? What didn’t?

5. Decide if you want to go to another session with the therapist. Check-in with yourself, compare how you felt with each, and decide which felt best for you at this particular time. And then go back for another session.

❤ And, if you’re in a crisis, skip these steps and just find a therapist to talk to, anyone. ❤ If you’re working, EAP is a great resource for quick help. ❤

Here’s what some good fits and wrong fits looked like for me:

Good fit: Speaking of EAP…. The first therapist I ever saw I found through Google’s EAP benefit. She just happened to be the first to respond to my voicemail, and she was kind enough to make room for me despite being fully booked. It was a few days before my ex-boyfriend’s funeral and I just could not deal with all the feelings. I was in such a crisis that I was just trying to talk to anyone, but still, she was kind, shared wisdom when I was in need of guidance, and helped me understand how I was feeling with compassion. It can happen — picking a random therapist could result in a great fit.

Wrong fit: Old-fashioned Google search. I once went in for a first session to meet a new therapist and came out feeling dead tired. The way that she challenged me … I was just so exhausted and withdrawn and didn’t have the energy to hold a conversation for a few hours. Just not the right approach for me, no bueno :/

Wrong fit: I found a profile through my health insurance portal, scheduled a first session, and honestly just don’t remember anything about the session. I didn’t particularly feel supported, challenged, didn’t really feel like I got to know myself better. Nothing here :/

Okay fit: Found someone online I felt matched my background. After a few sessions, I just didn’t feel comfortable. It got harder and harder to say what I was thinking out loud (and that’s like, the whole point of therapy). My schedule changed so I couldn’t continue anyways.

Good fit: Old-fashioned Google search. Sessions felt safe, it felt like we were untangling my feelings together, which gave me space to understand myself and ask questions.

A quick note on the urge to look for a therapist who shares similarities with you.

I’ve heard it a lot — It seems logical that finding someone who has a similar outlook, approach, or culture means that you’ll get better help or have an easier time being understood.

For me it was culture. I believed that someone needed to be asian-american to understand what it’s like to be of two cultures that can pull in different directions. And, I thought that if they weren’t, they just wouldn’t understand the nuances. So I found asian-american therapists who I thought would help me better. I can tell you that I didn’t feel any more understood, and there were good fits and bad fits all the same.

If you’re curious why, we should talk about it.

It might feel safer at first to find someone who has similar leanings, opinions, choices, which is totally a real feeling. But it doesn’t NEED to be the case for someone to help you.

And you know what? It’s okay to be on the fence about therapy.

It’s not uncommon for people, myself included, to “think about going to therapy” for a long-ass time before actually going. If you’ve been thinking about it for a while but haven’t actually started yet — maybe it’s not the right time or you’re still getting used to the idea, and that’s fine. I hope you’ve read something here that encourages you to be open and keep thinking about it, and eventually, make some moves.

Going to therapy is for nobody but yourself, and you’ll get there when you get there.

Good luck, and remember to forgive yourself ❤

Footnotes. I’m no expert, so take what you read here with a grain of salt and know that everyone’s experience is different. If you go to therapy, and have thoughts, I would love to hear them! If you don’t yet, and this was helpful to you in some way, I would also love to know :)

Aaaand a quick update — I’m looking for people who are willing to share their therapy stories with me (why you go or have gone or have started to go, what you get out of it, etc.) I intentionally skipped over the ‘why therapy’ part of this topic for this article, because it deserves some extra love and attention. And now I want to give it that love and attention. :)