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Jess Kopp
Studying abroad because I heard so much about Walmart. Lifestyles Editor @GriffonNewsCom

10 tips to improve your (cat) petting game

Petting your cat (not an euphemism, by the way — we’re talking about the animal here, so get your mind out of the gutter) seems pretty straightforward if you’ve never actually petted a cat. They can be snuggly little bundles of joy or furballs sent straight from hell. It’s all about the petting job you do. Read these ten tips and improve your cuddle game, brought to you by a crazy cat lady in training.

  1. You’ll want to start off slow. Approach the cat of your choice carefully and let her sniff your finger. Over-eagerness hasn’t helped anyone in these kind of situations, ever. Say “here, kitty kitty” and “such a pretty little kitty cat” over and over like an idiot so the cat knows you mean business.

2. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT grab the cat’s tail under any circumstances. Imagine someone did that to yours.

3. Now that you have the cat’s attention you may start gently petting her. Begin with the classic back-rub. Apply light pressure in a smooth motion from head to tail-root (do you call it that in English?). Rinse and repeat.

And that’s how it’s done.

4. Now that you made the cat comfortable, you can try some more advanced petting techniques. Try the tail-root-scratcher or the chin-tickler. Keep an eye on her face and tail. If one of them is twitching, be careful.

If your cat is a weirdo try this.

5. No fast movements! It’ll guarantee that you’ll get scratched. Gentle and slow. Gentle and slow.

6. If you’re dealing with a reserved cat or a plain asshole, break out the cat treats. Watch your fingers. Tell the cat your thumb is not a cat treat. The cat will still try to eat your finger. Hold the tears in. Good job.

7. Depending on how friendly the cat is, you may try to pick her up now. Squeeze the hell out of her.

8. DO NOT try to blow raspberries on your cat’s stomach if you do not want to lose an eye. She’s not a baby (or what I call them, “cat-sized humans”). They don’t have claws to defend themselves from indignities like that. Your cat does, however.

She’s sick of my shit.

9. Only raise your cat over your head while singing “The Lion King” theme song. It’s a universal rule.

10. If the cat comes to you out of her own free will, be grateful. You’re the chosen one. Don’t mess it up.