Recently getting dumped by the cheater hurts; no other pain hurts more. The story of my feelings begins here.
It begins in October, with a queasy feeling tightening knot in the stomach. Something is going to happen, something with me, with someone I know or even someone I could say the love of my life. Not knowing what was going to happen; I lived day by day working and doing my best to figure what it was. Soon it hit me HARD. The day the person was leaving for a tournament for the National Team she had her mind set and ready to go. To put it into perspective, have you ever had a gut feeling so intense you want to puke? Or a feeling so strong that it’s true when the answer reveals itself? That’s how it felt. Wanting so hard to warn her actions I let it be because there was a strong sense of trust. A week later, she cuts the tie with me and says it’s not working out because we aren’t connecting. Wait,… what?!? It is or is it not connecting? You were the one that stopped replying me! You were the one who kept distancing yourself… I even offered to make it work, to talk about it and also have things work in her favor. But of course, once someone has had their mindset for something they are driven to execute. It turns out she lied to her friends about us breaking up and lies about her not being in a relationship and turns out she has been reciprocating actions to what the guy did to her. It turns out she cheated on me (to make it as evident as possible) then dumps me.
I didn’t know how to process this new information and became lost. The sense of self-disappears and questions begin to flood my mind. What if it’s my fault? Am I inadequate? What makes that guy better than me? What did I do to deserve this? Is it her? Is she following her heart? Or was she doing it for validation of herself being? What is it that I could have done to change it? Did she plan this the whole time? Is she the one who’s been playing me the entire time? Why can someone I loved so much and was planning to marry, do this to me? She knew how much I loved her, how much I would do to let her be who she is and try to better each other day by day.
This feeling from the beginning begins to sink in. Not knowing what to do still, I was unable to focus. The feeling of being empty, hurt, lost confused and thousands of other emotions continue to burn deep into my memory. Like no other to feel betrayed by someone you trust, someone you love and someone you thought could be with forever. The thought of them being together just refueled the pain. What made it worse was when photos came up surfacing that they are holding together like a couple, they were a couple and doing everything together.
Finally being able to digest the information slowly, the feelings became more apparent. I began to lose my drive for anything from work, gym, or anything I had once found interest I had lost it all. There was no sense of self without my other half right? What is it that I can do without her? What is it that I cannot do without her? These questions and the ones from before begin to flood the gates once again. So frustrated with myself and her actions, I start to learn to accept that the truth is that she did you no justice. At the same time, she did you justice. The moral of her actions became murky for me. I began to create excuses for her actions for her feelings and why she left me. There was no real reason to develop such assumptions; I was only digging myself a hole into something worse.
So, I begin to look for solutions by reaching out to my friends. Friends at this point didn’t know we were in a relationship or had a hunch we were (thinking about it, this should have been a red flag). We kept our relationship pretty secretive.
Accepting what had happened to me was the most painful part of it all. Questioning myself about it didn’t get me anywhere but rather what happened and facing the truth would be more apparent. The reality that someone you love doesn’t love you as much as you thought they did. The problem within the relationship of always trying to get the other person to compromise and find equal grounding. Reasoning with the person that would never change and the truth she too was hurt in the past yet did something similar in the past also. Regardless what the true intentions were, I could say the way she had executed it was wrong.
What worse than to always blame someone that it was their fault for bringing you to where you are now. Being able to forgive someone of their actions is harder said than done. The heart of a hurt lover will somehow always be trying to justify why the other did what they did. I had forgiven her for everything she had done to me because maybe it’s her way of doing things to keep feeling validated or loved or even perhaps she’s following her heart.
No one can tell you how much you are worth. Do not let someone you love tell you that or anyone on the street. No one deserves to be cheated on, but also no one deserves not to find true love. The worth of everyone is equal. There is no one above or below because like many people say “You are worth it. You are enough.” But you have to believe in it to move on a little.
To learn she had moved on faster than anyone, it pained me. But to know that she’s with the guy now and it’s long distance I genuinely wish it works out for them. It is going to be a tough journey for both of them but, if someone I love doesn’t love me, I can only wish for happiness for them. Of course, I sound fake, but the truth is I want to it doesn’t work out and never find true love. Of course, this was in the moment of feeling frustrated and hatred towards her to only hope all the ill things on her. I didn’t realize how dark I had become of me for a split second. Yet, I had every right to feel that as so did she for her actions. As of right now, I know I am still trying to move on and continually seeing photos of them together on that trip pains me but, again, maybe they are meant for each other or if not then so be it. And as clique as this sounds and I am sure everyone has said this to someone at one point in time will heal your wounds, just believe and time will help you pass through this tough time. I too can vouch for that time can heal because I have lost someone who had meant the world to me since the day I was born.
I wished that she would change her habit sooner or later and the sucker that I am will always have a spot for her in my heart… Meaning I would allow her to come back if she ever desired to but I will not forget. If she changed, it would be her fighting her own battle to become maybe one day loyal to someone who she truly loves and someone that truly loves her the same way.
The truth is I’m beyond hurt; lost for words to explain how I feel. The trust to love someone will be harder than ever before. Being able to open up to someone is hard enough especially when you know that the person seems always to have intentions of doing something. The history not so clean, maybe being hurt from previous relationships and yet the benefit of the doubt perhaps, just perhaps the person has changed. But, my friends keep telling me cheaters are going to cheat for life. And the thought of that made me realize Beyonce is right she might be the “Best Thing I Never Had.”
So if you’re ever hurt the way I ever was, the only thing you can do to better yourself is to take care of yourself and to learn to love yourself. A quote by someone somewhere “The hardest relationship is the relationship with yourself.” And if you’re still hurt check this video out to give yourself some perspective: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-BHuQZv7Y8