Alex Jones Officiates A Wedding

[Transcript of marriage ceremony of Travis and Nico Soutter. September 16, 2016.]

Alex Jones: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here IN DEFIANCE OF OUR CONDITIONING AT THE HANDS OF A GLOBALIST CONSPIRACY TO ENSURE WE VIRILE AND PURE DEFENDERS OF THE NEW REPUBLIC CAN NO LONGER BREED A NEW GENERATION OF LIZARD-SLAYING ASTRONAUT KINGS to witness the union of Travis and Nico.

When Travis asked me to come out here and give my blessing for this melding of genetic goodness UNTAINTED BY THE CLANDESTINE INOCULATION OF OBAMA’S APPARATUSES OF GENOCIDE THEY CALL “HOSPITALS” THESE DAYS, I said I would on the condition he tell me how many vantage points a sniper could use at this venue to PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY OF THE CONSTANT WAKING TERROR OF MY OWN INABILITY TO PROTECT MY WIFE AND CHILDREN FROM ABDUCTION AT THE HANDS OF COMMUNIST COMPUTER DRUIDS.

And you know what? He was way off. We could all start dropping dead any second. They make drones right now that fly up your urethra and blow up and give you frickin’ polio. But I’m here. Why? Because I’M A HUMAN. MY HEART IS POUNDING RIGHT NOW. THE SHADOW OF DEATH PUTS THE FIRE IN MY COCK. IF ANY OF YOU DIE I AM FUCKING YOUR WIFE. THE REPUBLIC WILL NOT BE INTIMIDATED.

That goes especially for you Travis. You been taking my supplements?

Who gives this womb of liberty to be married?

Nico’s Father: I do.

Alex Jones: Have you ever been vaccinated, bud?

Nico’s Father:…what?

[Alex is asked by an unknown member of the wedding party to keep his shirt on.]

Alex Jones: Do you, Nico, under the penalty of banishment to the multicultural reeducation camps, take this WHITE AND HETEROSEXUAL SABOTEUR OF SATAN’S INFERNAL DESIGNS OF HUMANITY to be your lawfully wedded husband, even after we burn all the books of law and bring the lawmakers to the most primitive notion of justice, I’M TALKING FULL ON LORD OF THE FLIES, NICO. THEY ARE SO EVIL, NICO. WILL YOU GIVE THIS MAN BABIES SO THEY MAY GROW TO SET FIRE TO THE HOUSE OF CORRUPTION AND LIBERAL TIMIDITY?

Nico: I do.

Alex Jones: God bless you, child. The wings of your sacrificial grace will shield us from the rains of malice. WHO’S FUCKING PHONE IS THAT? HOW DARE YOU BLIGHT THIS JOYOUS OCCASION. OBAMA, IF YOU’RE LISTENING, IF YOU REQUIRE BLOOD ON THIS DAY TO SATE THE WHIMS OF YOUR GLOBALIST MASTERS, I WILL LOOK THE OTHER WAY JUST THIS ONCE. Is your wife here, sir? YES. JUST THIS ONCE.

Travis, the goblins who drink the blood of children at their fancy hotel buffets have robbed us of the capacity to form the language to describe the daunting, terrifying task that stands before you, as a MAN, as AN AMERICAN.

The struggle against tyranny and all its machinations seems infinite, and your hands only able to do so much. There will be days you feel defeated, days you feel so crushed by the weight of the world you won’t be able to recognize yourself in the mirror. Every instinct not yet dulled by the constant subliminal bombing of Marxist reprogramming will tingle with the desire to flee, your head caving in like your sinuses have filled with apathy and temptation.

The loss of this sense of self is no less a sacrifice than the loss of a limb in battle. There is no shame in this. Look at all these feeble ghouls who came out to help themselves to some free cake and champagne. They understand. And I understand.

You can’t let their sacrifice be in vain, Travis. You need to fuck this woman. Early. Often. RAIN OR SHINE, TRAVIS. SLEET, SNOW, FUCKING GAY FROG APOCALYPSE. LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU, YOU POINDEXTER PUKE.

Do you take this valkyrie of the Rebirthed America as your wife?

Travis: I do.

Alex Jones: BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME WHEN THE FIRST CAVEMAN LOOKED AT HIS WEAKER NEIGHBOR AND SOUGHT FOR HIMSELF THAT WHICH HE DESIRED BY KILLING HIS OWN BROTHER, I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MARTYRS OF THE SPIRIT OF ’76.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE, UNLESS THAT’S TOO “POLITICALLY CORRECT” FOR ALL YOU MARXISTS CABALISTS, SUCKLING THE TEAT OF THE FALSE PROPHET YOU CALL EQUALITY.

KISS HER, GODDAMIT.

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