How To Talk To A Woman Wearing A Leather Jacket And Telling You To Get Off Her Turf

These days, women form gangs to collectively liberate themselves from the oppression of a male-dominated society, countering a violence both sexual and systemic.

Yet, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them.

Of course, not all women are open to being approached, because not all women have easy access to a good burial spot if and when you won’t accept “no” for an answer.

However, if a woman wearing a leather jacket and screaming “go the fuck back to your penthouse” is single and hoping to meet a new parole officer, she will usually be keen to take off her helmet, check for witnesses, and give you an opportunity see what’s for lunch in Hell.

What to Do to Get Her Attention

1. Stand in front of her, placing your legs between the front wheel of her motorcycle to impede her ability to deescalate.

2. Make an esoteric, ambiguously menacing gesture to suggest that perhaps you’re from a friendly, affiliated gang — she might think she met you before, at that co-ed gang mixer a while back and just doesn’t recognize you without the wraparound sunglasses and Elizabethan neck ruffle.

3. If she seems confused or tries to turn away from you, regain control of the situation through levity. Say “How can you be a real girl ganger if you’ve never heard of [make up some gang name here)?” Put a reassuring hand on the handlebars on her motorcycle to show that you’re joking.

4. When she turns to face you, compliment her. Women like it when you acknowledge that other men exist. “Did your boyfriend buy you that ‘Kill Your Rapist’ patch?”

5. When her friend takes her helmet and jacket so she has nothing to weigh her down when engaging with you, it’s good to do what we call “Acknowledging Your Impending Death”.

See the conversation below:

You: I know it’s not normal for people to get in the way of a motorcycle to escape the drudgery of this farce we call “life”, but I saw you and thought “wow, she’s hot, probably because she just set some rival gangs’ clubhouse on fire, I just have to talk to her.” I’m Joe and you will literally have to get past me to do anything else with your night. What’s your name?

Woman: Coral.

You: That’s not a very tough name.

Woman: (flips open switchblade) I’m the last thing you’re gonna sea.

You: Oh my god! That’s wonderful. I’m so glad I came over to talk to you. I know it’s not normal, but the spurs on your boots which almost look like they’ve been carved out of human bone were just calling to me.

Woman: (possibly walking towards you, knife drawn)

You: Anyway, I guess I’ll just go back to harassing random women in the area until one of them explodes at me, because that’s what it takes to pierce my veil of numbness and isolation. What’re you up to?

Woman: You’re in the wrong neighborhood, sweetheart. If you don’t want to get hurt, you should be moving along.

You: Don’t you think creating an alternative to patriarchal capitalism by demanding that you get to unofficially “own” a patch of land and make it a “safe space” from oppression by using force to keep the oppressors out of it kinda hypocritical?

Woman: I will cut you.

You: Well, actually, you won’t be cutting me, just my skin, fat, and maybe some of an organ. I as an entity exist in a holistic abstract. It’s like they say — “no can can make you feel stabbed without your consent.”

Common Mistakes That Guys Make When Approaching A Girl Gang

1. Suggesting You Might Be A Cop Or Some Other Authority Figure

Contrary to popular media depictions, even the most devil-may-care union of delinquent dilettantes understand that any harm that befalls a police officer will be met with a wildly disproportionate retribution from the police and justice system. A pig stubs his toe and suddenly your apartment complex is being run over by a tank.

You don’t need to scream “I bet you want to hurt me, cuz I’m a cop!” like you’re doing a very committed cosplay of a right-wing chain email to make women laugh at you and walk away. That power was in you all along.

2. Ask Them A Bunch Of Ignorant Questions About Criminal Activities

Most day-to-day girl gang activity is really mundane — collecting dues, repairing motorcycles, processing how the club character may be reinforcing patriarchal notions and excluding the sort of women who need the camaraderie the most.

Extortion, gun running, and locking rapists in industrial walk-in freezers constitute so little of their day to day activities, and it can be exhausting to have the larger issues facing these women ignored in favor of a prejudiced sensationalism.

Contraband smuggled by a girl gang will only earn .70 to the dollar that same exact drug sold by male gangs. Women who participate in large-scale burglaries are often confined to the duties of recon and infiltration, despite being as or more flexible than male teammates. If you really want to engage with a girl gang, these are the issues that should be on your mind.

3. Having A Girlfriend or Female Friend Present

If the member of a girl gang defeats you in a motor race or hand to hand combat, any women or non-binary-identified people accompanying you are automatically inducted in that girl gang. It’s the rules.

In Georgia, a man tried to sue a girl gang for incorporating his grandmother after their leader helped his grandmother with a crossword puzzle answer he couldn’t get right. It went all the way to the steps of the Supreme Court, whereupon his grandmother put him over his knee and swatted him with a wooden spoon, in front of all the lawyers and press, for being “a spoiled brat and a tool for the establishment”.

Girl gangs create an environment where women are affirmed for looking out for each other, even and especially if it hurts a man’s self esteem. As a man, the best analogy for this is to think of literally almost any other space you share with other men.

Approaching Your Inevitable Beatdown

As you may have noticed, women usually don’t approach men in public. A trunk can only fit so many bodies, and even doing something clearly coded as wanting private space like being on a date with another woman or wearing headphones will not discourage men from approaching them at all hours of the day.

Women know that is the man’s role to be confident enough to walk all over their boundaries and autonomy, so that patriarchy has a chance to reassert itself into every interpersonal dynamic. That’s why women avoid men. That’s why they go to the bathroom in pairs and party in groups and even form gangs to fend off male aggression.

So, don’t ever think that you’re doing a bad thing by allowing a woman to pummel you to death in full view of witnesses in order to stress that she and her friends are not on the fucking menu. You’re saving lives. You’re the real feminist here.

Most single women aren’t open to being approached by a potential boyfriend. Don’t let that step you. You never know. If they ever recover your body, she might meet some lifelong friends in jail who will braid her hair, believe her when she tells stories of her past, and all the other things you could never do for her.

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