The Feminist’s Guide To Why Every Kink Is Bad

Everything is about sex, except sex itself, which is about power. As feminists, we must avoid all engagement with systems of power. I myself am known to Sharpie out the power button on my electronics. I’m not saying that you should go to similar lengths to combat the internalized oppression actively undermining your politic — just that you could.

Societal advances for (some) women and LGBT people have enabled us to present an understanding of sexual activity and desire that goes beyond vanilla missionary sex.

This is bad. Meeting your desires is dangerously close to empowerment, and you cannot be empowered without taking power from someone else. It’s a binary — you either have power or you don’t. This is why power buttons only have two states, and why I had to Sharpie all my electronics to prevent this house from reflecting and reifying institutional power. Now I don’t know whether or not the TV “is empowered”, only if I’m receiving it’s message.Think about it.

People have been having sex since before recorded history — while you’re getting wet at being flogged while tied up to a chain link spiderweb, the originators of impact play and eroticizing the ensnarement that spider webs represent died from a harsh winter or maybe eating a bad turnip and didn’t benefit at all from your consumption of their sexual culture.

This is called A P P R O P R I A T I O N and must be avoided at all costs if you never want anything you helped create or support called out on social media by a more righteous feminist with more followers than you who can crush you beneath the boot of her discourse IN A VERY UNPLEASANT AND NOT SEXY WAY. Your mentions will be filled with tryhards, her boots will be very dirty and chapped by too much exposure and too little polish, and you’ll never get your takes on “passing privilege” retweeted in this town again.

Feminism isn’t about elevating women and non-men to equality in society. It’s about knowing just how much force with which to kick each other so that we’re all planted face-down in the same amount of gorilla shit.

Kink is so problematic, that even researching why it’s problematic can be punishable by thinkpiece in some jurisdictions. It’s best to reserve your energies towards purer pursuits, like explaining to the brainwashed masses why apathy towards the victims of drone murder and children who die in animal attacks is actually the more compassionate politic.

Therefore, I’ve provided you a quick cheat-sheet of some known kinks and why they should be avoided and their practitioners shunned into the obscurity of Ello or wherever the people who Facebook doesn’t think is a real person because they’re trans or indigenous end up.

Master/slave (also known as M/s): diverts leather collars away from the pet population and encourages the occasional True Dominant™ to spend money that should be going towards female infosec pundits on Gor novels.

Cuckolding: romanticizes a culture of hypermasculine possessiveness that probably led to some dudes getting killed in duels, I’m sure.

Medical play: forces some people to relive the shame and chagrin of realizing the character in Motley Crue’s song “Dr. Feelgood” was not actually a doctor who played fast and loose with professional ethics, but a drug dealer with a rat tail.

Watersports: it appropriates the experiences of people urinating on not-toilets while not-sober. Your privilege doesn’t get to call its mama and flee the country just because a boy in a yellow hanky says he’d like it.

Fisting: you should be raising those fists high in the air where the kyriarchy can see them.

Uniform fetish: Reminds me of my dad in that way where you know certain smells and textures of your childhood should tingle certain synapses in your brain and make you feel good or at least nostalgic (??) but it just gives me an awkward and slightly nauseating gut feeling like I’m touching a nerve that doesn’t exist anymore maybe oh god there it is again —

CBT: might lead people on Twitter to think you’re a mental healthcare provider, and unknowingly spam you with articles on why long walks and St John’s Wort are a better treatment for borderline personality disorder than clinical, researched and regimented therapies. Please respect their time and emotional labor.

Piercing: 👏 Don’t 👏 impale 👏 yourself 👏 unless 👏 you’ve 👏 lived 👏 under 👏 the 👏 tyrannical 👏 rule 👏 of 👏 a 👏 violent 👏 religious👏 zealot👏 who 👏 would 👏 would 👏 help 👏 form 👏 the 👏 basis 👏 of 👏 vampire 👏 myths👏 in 👏 The 👏 West.

Chastity/Orgasm Denial: cock cages and chastity belts appropriate the experiences of go-go dancers, MMA fighters, giant mech pilots and others whose lifestyle under capitalism (or fighting giant extraterrestrials) requires regularly encasing themselves in metal.

Pet play: your butt plug tail and doggy ears make a mockery of the thousands of years dogs, cats, and livestock endured to be domesticated by humans. No, I am not affiliated with PETA, I am just a concerned vegetarian here to remind ask you people protesting the murder of children by police what you’ve ever done for the planet.

Navel worship: the “inie/outie” belly button binary gratifies the cisheterosexist views on gender and sexuality. Also, if you change the “e” in “navel” to an “a”, you get an accurate description of the military culture surrounding the British Empire. Think about that the next time some bullshit “porn safety standards” initiative wants you to jerk off on a pair of goggles.

Whippets and sodomy: you better pick up every cartridge when you’re done and put them in the recycling bin and not the trash or so help me fucking God.