Nobody Likes These Five Songs

Sources confirmed Wednesday that there are five songs that have been floating around the airwaves for decades that everyone pretends to like, but nobody really does.

“When one of these five songs begins playing on the radio or by a live cover band,” the report reads, “friends and patrons will turn the volume up or shout the lyrics in excitement, although deep down they have no affinity towards the song whatsoever.”

According to the report, the five songs that nobody actually likes are:

1) Journey — Don’t Stop Believin’

2) Bon Jovi — Livin’ on a Prayer

3) Green Day — Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)

4) Oasis — Wonderwall

5) Aerosmith — [Any Song by Aerosmith]

It was reported that cover bands will play one of these five songs towards the end of their set, when the crowd’s initial excitement has dwindled and patrons are leaving the bar in hopes of “finding something else.” Allegedly, the five songs in this list are capable of bringing a false sense of energy back to a dying crowd.

“It’s like magic,” said the bass player of local 3-piece band Baxter and the Kicks, “as soon as Bax starts wailing out the opening lyrics of Don’t Stop Believin’, people flock right back to the dance floor! They must really love that song!”

I had a chance to interview Jason Finley after the show, one of the young males in the crowd who had been spotted singing his heart out to the classic Journey hit.

“Yeah, it’s just….really catchy…you know?” Finley said. “All the girls I was with started singing it and I didn’t want to be the only one not singing,” he admitted. “I wanted them to think I’m outgoing and fun.”

Live bands are not the only perpetuators of these five catchy but secretly-loathsome songs. I had a chance to speak with one of the reporters of this study, who conducted a widespread survey on these five songs and asked if anybody liked them.

“Nobody likes them,” she said, “and I was shocked to find this out myself.”

I asked how many people she had surveyed, to verify that she was getting a large enough sample of the population.

“Everyone,” she said. “I surveyed everyone.”

“And nobody likes these five songs?”

“Nobody. Not your cousin, not your brother-in-law. Not even the group of girls up there doing karaoke right now to Livin’ on a Prayer. They can’t stand it individually.”

The study also showed that people who think they like one of these five songs changed their minds “when given a brief moment to pause and actually think about it.”