Finally the truth.
A few months back, I broke down in front of a girl and cried as I told her I couldn’t breathe. I told her I feel there isn’t enough oxygen in the air, that my body tires so soon of even standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth. Literally. I had to sit the fuck down to feel I’m okay. I told her that I wake up at 6 in the morning just to open the windows because even in my sleep it felt like I had weight over my chest.
All she said to me was “I totally understand. I have a friend who has even more emotional roller coasters ride than you do.”
I couldn’t stop crying, but in my heart it really stung to hear her call my condition an “emotional roller coaster”. She definitely didn’t understand.
Of course I don’t blame her. I don’t intend to convey the message that if people don’t understand what you’re going through, it’s offensive. It’s not. (We’re humans, not gods). But it’s a bonus if someone can.
First I thought I had cried in front of the wrong person, but then I thought that at least I exploded and it feels a bit better.
You are so right. We are all alone in this. I’m so glad you said it. When we’re stuck like this, someone saying the truth sounds more generous than those implying they can understand. Because clearly they cannot.
What I wish is for my parents to understand. It’s so hard to struggle to be better when your core strength: your family isn’t your core strength at all when you actually need it. To be told “it’s do or die this year” makes it worse. I want to go to my mom and cry and cry and cry in her bosom and tell her “not now mom, I need a break. I’m done. It’s over for now. I’m broken. I’m not stronger than this. I need to recharge. I need time.”
But I know what her response will be, not because I’m just predicting, but it’s something based on my whole life’s experience of sharing my feelings with her. Same case with my dad.
So they say “it’s do or die this year” and I’m wondering if it’s the latter.