I wonder what pressing “pause” in life is like.

Do people start staring?

Do they start comparing

You with your apparantly enthusiastic peers

“Immature, less capable

Less likely to be emotionally stable

Professionalism = zero

(Robotic, monotonous, overworked) 5 to 9 employees with absolutely and most importantly no breaks are the heros!

Attending at least 75% bland info-feed lectures is the key to success

What a shame this youth is wasting a year to ‘catch a breath’

They’re just an indecisive, irreversible mess!”

And what will my parents say?

I’m scared to talk about it because the last time I told a story about a boy who repeated a class

I was judged on just that

So on I continued racing on my hamster wheel

And suddenly one day

I snapped

  • I stopped going to class
  • I couldn’t score well anymore
  • I misdiagnosed a patient
  • The guilt and insecurities ate at me
  • I didn’t go to class more often
  • I spent most time loathing myself on being a loser and not being able to do as well other peers
  • I cried every night
  • I cursed everyone and stayed in a bad mood
  • No one understood me

The world does not believe on pausing for a while to collect themselves, to reflect on themselves, and somewhere in the universal race, they leave their real selves behind. They don’t know who they are anymore.

When someone asks me about my hobbies, honestly, I just blink at them.

I don’t know what are my hobbies. Do I even have hobbies in the first place? Is it natural for every person to have one? And if yes, then why can’t I think of my own?

What is a hobby?

I am numb.

I “eat food” instead of “having a good meal”. I realized only a few days ago that I have separate boxes for both in my personal journal in the phone. And I haven’t checked “had a good meal” in a very long time. (also funny how I never noticed this before)

I laugh but not feel that tingling happiness inside my chest and tummy while I do. Instead it just really tires my lungs out and I have to catch my breath afterwards and sigh as if I just put down a weight off my chest.

Since when was education supposed to be a race? I need a break from the whole info-feed thing.

“Do what you’re passionate about”

Really? Athletes love to run and they still need to stop and catch their breath. Everyone needs a fucking break. Stop being jerks to your kids. If someone is facing burnout, cooperate instead of loading your horse cart with more bricks and lashing it forward.

Do you not get it? Don’t any of you understand?

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