I’ve never felt nothingness cut so deep before. It’s quite like the manifestation of multiple tries on an evil plot. This time I’ll get there. I’ll tear her guts out like a cannibal. I’ll scoop out every bit of her insides. I’ll suck on her blood like a parasite and cling on to her hair. I’ll stay till she screams. I’ll stay till I’m satisfied with the results of my silent psychopathic approach towards visible insanity…because suffering inside the mind is not enough.
Yes. Yes. Yes. You won. You sadistic demon. You have fucked with me for so long, I am old now. Not in years, but in the heart. You rusting wind, you mocking mirage, you little satan residing in my very mind.
I hate you.
You have destroyed the only bit of peace I had saved for this vulnerable hour.
Take your reward.
Take and leave.
They are all sitting back now in their thrones to watch what have become of me, of my unkempt hair, of my body they evied, of my skin they tried to damage (an attempt successful), but most of all
of my calm indifference towards oceans of spite and hatred.
I am not looking forward now. It was just a tiny while I thought I was. Well, no thank you.
Have you prayed for amnesia?
Have you prayed for death?
This world is too fucking hopeless.
“There were days I couldn’t even get up from my bed”
Are you serious?
I had months. All of them bunched together. I couldn’t get up. I’m sorry I don’t have the energy to now either. As I said, I am old. Rotten. Stinking. So much spite inside me now my own stench repels me at this very moment. That tiny satan still cheers me on.
I hate them all, it whispers.
I hate them all,
Like that one time when I was “done”, exhausted by their emotional abuse and rumors, and couldn’t concentrate in class and walked back to hostel to pack up and go home. The principal decided to show up in the way and ordered his assistant to fetch me. I was already moist eyed, when he asked me if I was feeling alright, I just burst out. He pat me on the shoulder and told me this was no excuse to miss classes. But he didn’t get it. That wasn’t the excuse.
He walked me back to class and made sure I was in my seat before he left.
Then months after, I won my first ever gold medal in a first ever game I tried: lawn ball. Of course the principal was there to honour the medalists. When I stepped forward for mine, he stopped mid-motion to take a good look at me, then he frowned just enough for only me to notice. He turned around to face people from the management in the background, and offered a lady to do the honors.
This man is a doctor.
First ever medal, who doesn’t want the moment to be memorable?
Too busy in his own way to insult me in public, he didn’t realize students are already in a lot of pressure. Those days I was the joke the day every single day. He just made me hate my existence a whole lot more.
This man doesn’t deserve to be called a doctor. He didn’t deserve to be the principal of a medical college when he didn’t even understand basic student pressure. That sometimes it’s okay to go home instead of sit through the offensive jokes. It’s okay to collapse when you’ve had enough, to hide away, to rest and recharge your energy.
I am human. I am not wired the way another human is. We aren’t robots designed to work exactly the same way.
No one ever says that. No one.
Whoever made him the fucking principal? Well, in the next decades the trolls from my class will be getting similar “respectable” positions, and history will repeat.
And that was one time.
Let’s not count. We’ll end up dead. Besides, we don’t have the time.