Why tech is making us lonely (and how to reverse that)

José M.
José M.
Nov 3 · 11 min read

Humans are social animals

I could quote several philosophers and poets for saying, in a very eloquent way, that humans cannot live alone, they need to live in society, and interact with his fellowmen for having a meaningful life.

And I could also quote several studies (like the “Harvard Study of Adult Development”, the “2005 Australian Longitudinal Study of Aging” or “Social Incentives in the Workplace”) that prove than persons are happier, live longer and work better if they have friends and loved ones.

But I don’t think this is necessary, since it’s something that most of us already know, either by personal experience or by mere instinct. In short words: solitude is bad.

People eating in restaurant
People eating in restaurant
Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

People who grow up without social networks and cellphones (i.e. pre-millennials) may remember some the challenges for socializing we had back then (and that don’t exist anymore):

  • Want to say hi to someone on his birthday? No problem, you just have to first know his birthday, remember it when the day comes and then call him at a time you knew he would be at home.
  • Meet someone interesting in a party but forgot to ask for his number? Okay, just call all the other people you knew in that party, hoping to find someone that knows that person (and cross finger so no one spread the word that you were asking for her/him).
  • You go out with some friends and get split up? You had two options: you either pray to find them by chance, or you call it a day and go back home (in fact, it was pretty common to set “meetings points” in case someone got lost).
  • Need to get back in touch with a pal you don’t see from high school? You can do it with your eyes shut as long as your pal’s parents haven’t changed their phone number (and that you still have that number) or if you know someone which is still in touch with him.
  • Were a teenager and wanted to call your crush? Sure, just be aware that his father/mother may answer the phone (and interrogate you about why you want to talk with his daughter/son), that the conversation may not be private (landline phones were normally at the kitchen or in the living room, were families normally gathered) and if you get nervous the other person will know by the tone of your voice.
  • Relocating to a foreign country and want to meet other expatriates? I’m just guessing, but you can try going to your consulate and befriend the employees or go to bars to eavesdrop conversations until hearing someone with some non-local accent.
  • Need to talk to someone in another country or continent? You can send a letter, if you don’t mind waiting a few weeks or months to get a response, or you can call him by phone, if you don’t mind having a heart attack when you get the phone bill.
Man alone with his phone
Man alone with his phone
Image by Pexels from Pixabay

But‌ ‌right‌ ‌now,‌ ‌things‌ ‌are‌ ‌much‌ ‌simpler:‌ ‌

  • Birthdays?‌ ‌Practically‌ ‌all‌ ‌social‌ ‌networks‌ ‌has‌ ‌reminders‌ ‌so‌ ‌you‌ ‌can‌ ‌salute‌ ‌your contacts‌ ‌(LinkedIn‌ ‌even‌ ‌reminds‌ ‌you‌ ‌about‌ ‌”work‌ ‌anniversaries”,‌ ‌which‌ ‌I‌ ‌didn’t‌ ‌know‌ ‌they‌ ‌were‌ ‌a‌ ‌thing‌, ‌until‌ ‌I‌ ‌got‌ ‌a‌ ‌reminder).‌ ‌
  • Don’t‌ ‌find‌ ‌you‌ ‌friends‌ ‌after‌ ‌a‌ ‌concert?‌ ‌Just‌ ‌call‌ ‌them‌ ‌or‌ ‌send‌ ‌them‌ ‌a‌ ‌message‌ ‌(centennials‌ may‌ ‌not‌ ‌remember‌ ‌it,‌ ‌but‌ ‌that’s‌ ‌why‌ ‌cellphones‌ ‌were‌ ‌originally‌ ‌invented‌ ‌for).‌ ‌
  • ‌Get‌ ‌back‌ ‌in‌ ‌touch‌ ‌with‌ ‌old‌ ‌friends?‌ ‌That’s‌ ‌why‌ ‌social‌ ‌networks‌ ‌exist.‌ ‌
  • ‌Get‌ ‌some‌ ‌info‌ ‌about‌ ‌someone‌ ‌you‌ ‌knew‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌party‌ ‌(i.e.‌ ‌stalk‌ ‌him)?‌ ‌That’s‌ ‌the‌ ‌other‌ ‌reason‌ why‌ ‌social‌ ‌networks‌ ‌exists‌ ‌(in‌ ‌fact,‌ ‌some‌ ‌of‌ ‌them‌ ‌even‌ ‌track‌ ‌your‌ ‌movement,‌ ‌not‌ ‌necessarily‌ with‌ ‌your‌ ‌consent,‌ ‌you‌ ‌they‌ ‌can‌ ‌suggest‌ ‌you‌ ‌people‌ ‌you‌ ‌may‌ ‌have‌ ‌crossed‌ ‌paths).‌ ‌
  • ‌Chat‌ ‌with‌ ‌your‌ ‌crush?‌ ‌Just‌ ‌sent‌ ‌a‌ ‌message,‌ ‌him/her‌ ‌will‌ ‌not‌ ‌know‌ ‌if‌ ‌you’re‌ ‌nervous,‌ ‌the‌ ‌conversation‌ ‌will‌ ‌be‌ ‌private‌ ‌(in‌ ‌principle)‌ ‌and‌ ‌you‌ ‌can‌ ‌even‌ ‌unsend/delete‌ ‌a‌ ‌message‌ ‌if‌ ‌you‌ ‌regret‌ ‌what‌ ‌you‌ ‌wrote.‌ ‌
  • ‌Hangout‌ ‌with‌ ‌another‌ ‌expatriates?‌ ‌They‌ ‌are‌ ‌social‌ ‌networks‌ ‌created‌ ‌only‌ ‌for‌ ‌that‌ ‌purpose.‌
  • ‌Talk‌ ‌with‌ ‌someone‌ ‌on‌ ‌the‌ ‌other‌ ‌side‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌world?‌ ‌As‌ ‌easy‌ ‌as‌ ‌talk‌ing ‌with‌ ‌your‌ ‌neighbor ‌(just‌ ‌keep‌ ‌in‌ ‌mind‌ ‌the‌ ‌timezone).‌

And yet, although we are more connected than ever, studies (from several parts of the world) indicate the loneliness is increasing, especially among millennials (which ironically became both the most connected and the most loneliest generation).

So, why is this happening? Shouldn’t be opposite? If technology is making our lives easier, why we aren’t taking advantage of it for having more friends and spend more time with them?

Why technology make us more alone

One of the many uses we give to technology is to boost efficiency: we want things to be done faster, better and cheaper. And in many cases this involves removing (or at least reducing) the human factor (because, for some tasks, people are slow, clumsy and expensive compared to machines), which normally produces the side effect of either preventing or reducing human interaction.

Feeling alone even when surrounded by people
Feeling alone even when surrounded by people
Image by Grae Dickason from Pixabay

Let me illustrate with some examples:

  • Just Google it: Been able to have an immediate answer for most of our everyday and work questions is great, it saves us a lot of time, improves our productivity and, why not, make us wiser. But it’s also hurt casual conversations: before search engines, if you had a doubt, you normally had to consult a friend or coworker with expertise in the area, and that led to conversations (because, you first had to ask how he was, how things were going and things like that). But that no longer happens: you have a question, and you get an answer, only an answer.
  • MOOCs: Online courses are great, you can get access to formations from any part of the world, at cheaper prices, and you normally can do it at flexible hours. They are democratizing education. However, one of the downsides is that, unlike onsite courses, interaction with your classmates and teachers is usually scarce. In best case scenarios you will have a forum in which to ask and respond to questions, but normally they aren’t very active.
  • Texting: Sending text messages is a very convenient form of communication: you write your message, the other person receives immediately (in most cases), and answer you when it’s better for him. However is also a poor form of communication: most people abbreviate what they want to say (in order to avoid having to write long texts), you can’t always get the “tone” in which the message was written (no matter how much you know him or how many emoticons he uses), and usually you don’t get the full attention of the other person while texting (i.e. most people text when doing something else). As a consequence, it’s more difficult to establish a bond with someone if you text him instead of calling or talking face to face.
  • Remote working: The rise of remote working is highly tied to the improvement of communication-related technologies, and it’s a trend that will continue to rise, since it has a lot of benefits: it gives a better work-life balance, reduces commute time, saves money for both employers and employees, have a positive environment impact… and so on. But it also has some disadvantages, being the most obvious the isolation and the lack of relationships with coworkers: since you don’t share an office with them, it’s more difficult to build bonds and have a sense of camaraderie, and it’s more easy to feel alone.
  • Video on demand: Almost everyone will agree than replacing video stores by video on demand services was a great improvement: you have a broader selection of films, you don’t have to leave your house to rent a film nor wait for the shop to be open, and all films are always available (i.e. you don’t have to wait for all copies to be returned), among other things. But I said almost everyone, because there is something that hardcore cinephiles are missing: the friendly neighborhood (video store) employee, that person to who you could ask for recommendations, when you didn’t know what to see, or to who talk about to the last film you watched, without spoiling him. Of course now you have forums and social networks where you can do that, but that simply isn’t the same.
Man sitting alone in stadium
Man sitting alone in stadium
Image by wgbieber from Pixabay

So although the technology is not directly preventing us from going out with our friends or to spend time with our family (in fact, it tends to facilitate it), it’s reducing the need to have face to face conversations with the people we know (texting and social networks do not count as quality time) and to meet or interact with new people (you may not befriend each person you know, but having to interact with strangers it’s an important part of your social life).

If you aren’t convinced, I propose you two exercises:

  1. Pretend you aren’t allowed to use a computer or a phone for a whole day, and then count to how many people you will to talk or interact for doing you daily activities: if you want a pizza, you can’t order one by just opening an app, you’ll have to go to the store; if you need to know a cooking recipe, you can’t just see a YouTube video, you’ll have to ask someone; if you want to salute someone for his birthday, you can’t write him a generic message in a social network, you have to actually see him; and so on.
  2. Now pretend that is not a working day, you are alone at home and you don’t want to see or talk to anyone (absolutely anyone), and now imagine all the things you can do under these conditions: you can do your groceries, see a movie, enroll to a course, buy new clothes, search for a job, open a bank account or plan a trip, among many other possibilities.

How to use technology to fight solitude

So progress can’t be stopped (e.g. you can’t replace ATM machines by cashiers only to allow your clients to have someone to who chit chat), but as developers or as an entrepreneur they are several things you can do to prevent solitude.

  • Get notifications right: Notifications are, in fact, a good way to reduce screen time, since it prevent users from having to open your app/site to check if there are any news. However they must be used wisely (remember that with great power comes great responsibility), because when users check their phones they normally take the opportunity to check their social networks or browse something. So you must 1) not bother your users with meaningless notifications, and 2) let users to customize them. Most apps barely let you to turn notifications off (and some of them don’t eve that), but they should allow you to choose a custom sound, set “don’t disturb” timeframe and to set a frequency limit.
  • Let users know when they are done: Of course you want your users to use your app and make the most of it, but that doesn’t mean you must allow them to use it with no purpose, you should warn them when they have finished. For example, Instagram tells you when to stop scrolling, once you have viewed all of the new posts, and Slack puts a red line for separate the unread messages. Giving users a reason to close your app might sound like a bad advice for reduce screen time, but in fact, you are making your app more efficient, and users will appreciate that.
  • Warn users about time usage: In some cases, like games or social networks, you can’t tell users when they have finished (there is always something to do). But what you can do is to allow them to decide when they are done, by giving them the proper information. A good example of this is the Diablo 3 game, which displays an in-game clock (with the current time) on a screen’s corner, and the total hours played with each character; I don’t know the exact reason why they added these features, but in my case they were great for preventing me from gaming too much.
  • Gather your users physically: Most apps and sites allows users to be connected and to send messages, but you should also encourage them to meet face to face. For example some MOOCs support study groups, where students set a date and place for gather to study; the Pokemon Go game has gyms and pokestops, which are places (in the real world) where users must go to train or combat with other users; and some remote companies host and sponsor events, so their employees can meet physically. You may think that everything that happens outside the scope of your app/product is meaningless to you, but you’re wrong: having your users interacting in the real world will increase engagement and fidelity. In fact, in some cases you can even use this as a monetizing strategy: like when Pokemon Go made a deal with McDonalds in order to set pokestops at their restaurants in exchange of getting money for each user that goes there.
  • Pay for coworking spaces: If you employ remote workers, you should offer them to pay (at least partially) for a coworking space (or if you are a remote worker, you should consider to pay it yourself). There are several companies that already do this, and for a very good reason: in most cases it increases productivity, since the worker tends to be more focused (don’t have as many distractions at home and will be more easy to separate professional from personal lie), more happy (it will socialize more and will feel part of a community) and even more creative (since it will interact with other professionals working on other projects or fields). So you should consider this an investment, and not an expense.
  • Analyse your users behavior (but be careful): This is a controversial topic, due to data privacy concerns, but we could analyse users behavior in order to detect unhealthy habits, like sedentary lifestyle, isolation and even depression (for example, researchers invented an algorithm that can diagnose depression, with a 70% success rate, from Instagram photos). However we should be careful about how we present this data to users, in order to not make them feel like we are watching them. For example, some Samsung phones comes with a step counter, that congrats users after they reach some threshold (encouraging them to walk more); note that this a better approach compared to telling users something like “I noticed you didn’t leave the home today”, which sounds kinda creepy.
A kid helping another
A kid helping another
Image by Sasin Tipchai from Pixabay

Final thoughts

You may have noticed that I didn’t mentioned some things like turning off your phone when you go to a party, calling instead of texting or put your phone away before bed, because these are actions that we can do as users to be less lonely, and I wanted to focus on what we can do as developers/business owners to prevent that our products/company increase the solitude problem.

If you are interested on knowing why, as users, we are letting technology to isolate us, I can recommend you the TED talk “Connected, but alone?” from Sherry Turkle.

At the end, all is in hand of users (is up to them to decide how they use technology, we can’t force them to go outside and talk to people) but we can put our grain of sand, in some cases we can encourage them to socialize, and in other cases we can at least try to not make the problem worse.

José M.

Written by

José M.

Software developer, writer and animal lover.

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